emnorth2002@yahoo.com
Pairing: W/A
Rating: PG
Dedication: Inell, the living, breathing reason why I post
Distribution: Angelic Vamps, Bite Me, Please? and Soulmates. Anyone
else, if you want it, just ask. I always say yes.
Disclaimer: Joss owns Willow and Angel and Bill Withers owns the
song "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone"
Spoilers: End of Buffy's season 5 and Angel's season 2
Summary: Angel regrets the love he ignored
A/N: Song lyrics are in asterisks
*Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away*
*Ain't no sunshine when she's gone*
Angel sipped at his beer and grimaced. It tasted horrible but it was
the only thing they had on tap. The place was a dump, really. Angel
hated clubs. He asked himself again why he was there. Oh yeah,
because of Willow. Because she had left him.
*It's not warm when she's away*
They hadn't been together all that long. She had only shown up on his
doorstep three months early, crashing back into his life with the
news that Buffy had died saving the world, again. And while Angel was
adjusting to that news, she dropped the other bombshell: his soul was
permanent.
*Ain't no sunshine when she's gone*
It turned out the Romany were a little craftier than the Sunnydale
crew had realized. The loophole in the curse was there on purpose.
They wanted the curse to be broken. They figured that the soul would
fall in love, experience true happiness, and let out the demon. The
demon would be pissed off over having been caged, and would attack
anything the soul had loved, especially whoever made him happy. And
once that person, the person who broke the curse, was dead, the curse
would finally be complete and Angelus' soul would be permanently
restored. He'd have eternity to wallow in guilt over killing the one
person who made him truly happy. It was an inspired plan for
vengeance.
*And she's always gone too long*
Of course, it didn't work out quite as they had planned. They had
figured that Angelus would kill the girl relatively quickly, turning
him back into his guilty soulful version before the demon had the
chance to do much damage. They hadn't imagined that he'd fall for a
slayer who could defend herself. They had thought Angelus would be
loose for only a few hours, at most. They didn't even bother to keep
complete copies of the restoration ritual, assuming that he'd be
permanently souled before it was needed. But when the ritual fell
into the hands of sixteen-year-old Willow Rosenberg, she didn't know
about the original plan for the curse. She just knew that her friend
had lost his soul and that everyone she loved was in danger. So the
spirit of the constantly vengeful Kalderash took possession of her
and set things straight. Angelus would regain his soul but its would
stay in danger as long as the one who had made him happy lived. Only
when she died would he be able to experience happiness without
endangering his soul.
*Anytime she goes away*
Willow had figured out that loophole two years earlier, but had kept
the secret to herself. How could she tell Buffy that the only way for
Angel to be able to achieve happiness was if she died? She decided it
didn't make a difference, anyway, as long as Buffy was alive. But
once Buffy died, Willow knew that Angel had the right to know, and it
wasn't the kind of news you could give over the phone. Anyway, she
had been desperate to get out of Sunnydale. The reign of the Scooby
gang was over. Dawn's father had packed her up and taken her away,
taking Spike along for the ride since the vampire refused to leave
the girl. Giles was headed back to England. Anya and Xander were
concentrating on comforting each other. And Tara had died, destroyed
by the backlash of Glory's power when Giles killed Ben. So Willow had
packed a bag and headed to L.A.
*Wonder this time where she's gone*
In typical Willowy fashion, Willow had dealt with her pain by
supporting Angel through his. After she told him the news, she
refused to leave his side. It wasn't long before she ended up in his
bed. It wasn't about love or even about passion. Angel needed a warm
body to cling to, and Willow needed to be needed. The sex was
desperate and violent and Angel often broke into tears as he came.
Willow would wipe his tears away, and whisper in his ear that
everything would be alright, and then hold him all night long.
*Wonder if she's gone to stay*
She had fit surprisingly well into the L.A. gang. She took Fred under
her wing, helping the very confused girl make a life for herself
again. She worked out her differences with Cordelia and the two
Sunnydale girls became very close. She supported Wesley through his
research, and even bonded with Gunn. Lorne adored her. She set up a
computer system for the office, organized the files, took over coffee-
making duties, and consistently worked to pull Angel out of his dark
moods.
*Ain't no sunshine when she's gone*
Angel took everything she offered: her energy, her cheerfulness, her
comfort, her affection, and her body, and gave her very little in
return. He believed he was mourning his soulmate and took a perverse
pleasure in being moody and depressed. He was so wrapped up in his
own feelings that he didn't notice the sweet, devoted redhead, warm
and living in his arms, who was falling in love with him. It never
occurred to him to appreciate the role she filled in his life. Of
course, realization struck like a bolt of lightening when she left.
*And this house just ain't a home*
He had called out Buffy's name while making love to Willow. It was
such a horrible cliche but that didn't make it any less painful for
Willow. Willow knew he didn't love her but she had held on to her
hope that he might learn to, eventually. When he yelled out Buffy's
name in her arms, she decided that she was a fool to hope any longer.
Cordelia helped her find a new place. Gunn and Wesley helped her
move. They all refused to tell Angel where she had gone. In fact,
they barely spoke to Angel at all. They made it very clear to him
that he had screwed up the best thing he had when he let her leave.
*Anytime she goes away*
It only took him a few hours to start missing her. Within a day, he
was craving her, lost and disoriented in his own house without her to
make everything make sense. He ached for her touch, her smile, the
simple knowledge that she was nearby and that he could look at her
and touch her whenever he wanted. After two and a half centuries in
the dark, she had become his light. His love for Buffy had been based
in desire and admiration for the admittedly beautiful girl mixed in
with a desperate need for approval and a hidden yearning for
forbidden fruit. His love for Willow was warmth, passion, affection,
and real understanding. With Willow, he could truly be himself. He
could talk to her about anything and show her any side of his
character and she was never disgusted or upset or confused. She had
loved him with no holds barred, accepting every part of him in a way
that no one had before. And Angel loved her completely, as well. He
loved her nervous habits, her sharp mind, her constant enthusiasm,
her passion for cookie dough ice cream, her endless kindness, her
obsession with John Cusack, and her absolute loyalty to the people
she loved. He loved every inch of her body and every nuance of how
she felt in his arms. And he loved how he was a better person, a
kinder, warmer, happier person, just being near her.
*And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know I know, I know, I know*
He was wretched without her. She had permeated his life so completely
that everything he saw reminded him of her. That's why he was at that
miserable club. He had killed a demon about a block away and had come
in to have a drink before going home. He knew that drowning his
sorrows wouldn't solve his problems, but he couldn't bear to go back
to the hotel where even the sheets he slept in still smelled like
her. He wondered if this was another obscure clause in his curse:
he'd find happiness, lose his soul, regain his soul, lose the woman
who gave him happiness, and then be so galactically stupid that he'd
be so busy mourning his lost love that he'd miss his chance for
happiness with his true soulmate. Nah, not even the Rom were that
cruel. It was no one's fault but his own. He knew he didn't deserve
Willow or the sweet ecstasy of her love, but God in heaven, how he
wanted it.
*Hey I'll leave the young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone*
His chance was gone now. She had left him. Even if he could find her
(which was a big "if" considering that Willow's computer skills made
her exceptionally adept at covering her tracks) she'd never want to
see him again. He hadn't just broken his own heart, he'd broken hers,
as well. In all his years as a vampire, he had never felt so cold and
so alone.
*Ain't no sunshine when she's gone*
Only darkness everyday*
And then he saw her. She was on the dance floor, pressed against some
idiot in a leather jacket. Angel instinctively vamped out when he saw
the man wrap his arms around *his* Willow. She looked so beautiful.
Beautiful, and entrancing, and damnably sexy (he wanted to rush over
and throw his coat over her revealing dress and then rip out the eyes
of every man that was staring at her) and heartbreakingly sad.
She was dancing with her back to the man's chest, grinding against
him and curving her body around his as she moved to the seductive
rhythms of the music. Her eyes were closed. Despite her constant
contact with the man behind her, she hardly seemed aware of him as
she danced, absorbed in the song. For the first time since he had
entered the club, Angel actually listened to the music.
*Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away*
Angel watched as a single tear slid down Willow's cheek.