Author: M. Jade
Title: Anonymous
Series: The Phoenix Trilogy, Story 1
Summary: After the events of "Wrecked," Willow struggles to get her life
back in order, with some unexpected help from Giles
Rating: PG-14
Pairing: Eventually W/G
Feedback: You know you want to
Spoilers: Up to and including "Wrecked"
Disclaimers: jossjossjossjossjossjossjossjossjossjossjossjoss – is that
enough?
Distribution: My site, Strange Brew, Bite Me…Please?, Willow’s Lil Secret,
The Data Annex of Fanfiction, the Fire and Ice Archive, ff.n, any others ask
Notes: Since Joss decided to make Willow a junkie, I decided to send her to
rehab
More Notes: This fic deals heavily with the ideas of addiction and abuse,
with magic being the abused substance of choice. Be ready to take a meeting
Big Thanks: To Sammy, who’s idea created the spark for the trilogy, and who
has given me such support. You rock my friend.


****************************************************************


Buffy Summers tip-toed quietly into her best friend’s bedroom, walking over
to the windows and opening the curtains, allowing the light of early morning
to stream into the room. "No sun, please," Willow Rosenberg murmured
groggily from the bed.

"Sorry, Will. It’s time to get up." Willow grumbled as she tried to open
her eyes.

"No it’s not," she protested.

"Yes it is," the Slayer repeated.

"Do I have to get up?"

"You know you do, Will." Willow sat up on the bed as Buffy came and sat on
the side, next to her friend.

"Is Dawnie okay?" Willow asked with a small voice.

"Yeah. She’s still very sore, but she insisted on going to school. Her
note from the ER will get her out of gym, so I figured it was okay. Look,
Willow, last night…"

"I have no excuse for what I did last night," Willow interrupted. "I
could’ve… God, Buffy, I don’t want to think about what I could have done. I
don’t know how you could ever forgive me for what I did," she finished.

"Will, it’s okay," Buffy assured her in a small voice.

"No, it’s not! I made some horrible mistakes… Buffy, I’m not sure I know
how to stop. I know I said no more magic, but I don’t know how. It’s not
like there’s some sort of Magic’s Anonymous I can walk into. You know,
‘hello, my name is Willow Rosenber and I’m addicted to magic’ or something.
I know I need help, but I don’t know where to go," Willow admitted. "Buffy,
I’m scared. I’m scared of myself." For a few moments, Buffy just looked
over to her friend, trying to keep her gaze from showing her shared anguish.

"We’ll figure something out, Will. There has to be something we can do,
right? Maybe… maybe I should call Giles. He may know about something that
could help you," Buffy pointed out.

"Do you have to tell him what I did…"

"Will…" Buffy began.

"Just checking. He would find out somehow, so it’s okay," Willow assured
her. "It couldn’t be any worse than what’s already happened." Buffy
nodded, rising from her seat on the bed.

"Then I’ll call him." She bent down and gave Willow a hug. As she left the
room, she turned to look at Willow again. "Just remember that we’re in this
with you. You won’t be in this alone, Will, no matte what."

"Thanks." Buffy nodded, and quietly left the room. Willow then let out a
sigh and rose from the bed, walking over to the window. She looked out and
watched the beginning of a new day. Some time later, Buffy entered the
room, holding the cordless handset for the phone. Willow had been lying on
the bed, silent up to that point, then looked over to Buffy as she entered
the room.

"It’s Giles. He wants to talk to you, Will." Willow sighed as she rose
from the bed and took the phone, nodding to Buffy.

"Giles," Willow greeted him. "It’s good to hear from you." As Willow went
on, Buffy quietly slipped out of the room, leaving Willow by herself.

"Hello, Willow. It’s very nice to hear from you as well," Giles greeted
her, the tone of his voice telling of a certain sadness.

"I suppose Buffy told you about what I did," Willow said, trying to hold
back her tears.

"Yes, she has," Giles answered softly. She closed her eyes, waiting for
what was inevitably going to come next, but Giles remained silent.

"Are you going to yell at me?"

"No, I’m not. I know how serious your actions were, Willow, and I know that
the outcome could have been far worse. I could say that I’m extremely
disappointed in you, and that you have acted quite foolishly. I could have
reminded you that you could not only have severely injured yourself but Dawn
as well. I could have said all those things, Willow, but I believe you have
already said them to yourself," Giles explained. In a way, his words seemed
to ease her mood, acknowledging her mistakes yet not berating her.

"Thank you."

"Willow, there is… there is a place you could go, where you could get help.
If you’re willing, I have spoken with Buffy and I could make the
arrangements for you. It’s here, in England, but I believe they could truly
be of help to you, Willow, if you let them."

"I… don’t know what to say, Giles. I just … I don’t know what I’m doing
anymore. I don’t know if anyone can help me," Willow said in a small voice.
Over the line, she could hear Giles sigh.

"You are not beyond all hope, Willow. You have to believe that. I know
you’re strong enough to get through this. It’s not easy to admit when you
need help, but it is the first step. The first of many, I’m afraid, and
none of them will be easy, but you’ve come this far," Giles told her in a
gentle voice. "I know you can do this."

"Do you really think they could help me, Giles?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then I’ll do it." Finally, she had made up her mind. She could almost
hear the relief on his end.

"I’ll make the arrangements, then."

"All right."

"I’ll talk to you soon, to let you know the details."

"Thank you, Giles," Willow replied, feeling as though she had had a great
weight lifted from her mind. For the first time in longer than she cared to
remember, she felt like she knew where she was going.

"This is only the beginning for you, Willow." With that he hung up, leaving
Willow to ponder what he had said.

****************************************************************


"I don’t like airports," Anya announced as she, Xander, Willow, Buffy, and
Dawn entered the airport a few days later to see Willow off to England.
"There’s nothing to do and nothing to look at, unless you get a magazine
from the gift shop, which has tacky gifts by the way. Who would you buy a
dumb shirt just because it says ‘California,’ as if it’s a big deal. It’s
just a waste of good money," she declared haughtily.

"Which is one reason our tourism industry is doing so poorly," Xander added
under his breath. He tried to shift his weight as they walked through the
terminal, having offered to carry Willow’s large suitcase while Willow
carried a small carry-on.

"Yeah, it’s in terrible shape," Willow said sarcastically.

"Pathetic," Buffy replied, joining in. Dawn rolled her eyes at the game her
sister and the Slayerettes were playing. The teen had actually asked not to
come to see Willow off originally, but changed her mind at the last minute
and joined them. Even Spike has said his good-bye after casually running
into Willow and Buffy at the Bronze. The vampire had managed a cordial
good-bye and best wishes for the witch after finding out about her
intentions to leave and was civil to Buffy as well. The closer they got to
the check-in desk, the light mood they had tried to create faded.

"Are you sure you didn’t forget anything, Will?" Buffy asked. Willow shook
her head.

"Still the same ‘no’ that you got the first five times you asked me," Willow
said with a grin.

"It’s just… you’re going to a foreign country. It would be bad if you got
there and realized that you forgot something, and maybe they don’t have it
there…" Buffy began.

"I’m sure they have toothbrushes in England," Dawn assured her sister.

"Besides, Giles will be there when I land," Willow pointed out. "I’m sure
it’ll be fine."

"Yes, but be ready to say good-bye to that fine American food you’re used
to," Xander quipped.

"Xander, I’m not going to starve," Willow giggled. "Besides, Giles knows a
place where I can actually get some Turkish Delight, which is pretty cool,"
Willow added with a smile. The others stared at her perplexed. "It’s a
book thing. Didn’t any of you read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?"
she muttered.

"I vaguely recall something about a lion, and three kids… no, it was four,"
Xander corrected himself. "But I’m sure old Giles would have been right on
the first try, maybe even laughed."

"He could probably tell you the character’s names," Anya added. "Is there a
book that man has not read?"

"He once admitted that he never read Oliver Twist," Willow replied
nonchalantly.

"And he calls himself an Englishman," Buffy said with mock indignation.

"And strangely, it cheapens the moment to mock him about it when he’s across
the pond," Xander interjected.

"That’s what the telephone is for, honey" Anya answered simply.

"Sure, long distance mocking. Fun for the whole family, until you get the
bill." As they spoke, they moved ever closer to the check-in, and their
inevitable good-bye. Soon, they were in front of Willow’s destination.

"Well, we’re here," Willow announce. "This is where I check in."

"We could wait for you by your gate," Xander offered, not really wanting to
say good-bye to his best friend.

"No, Xand. I think it’s best if you leave here," Willow answered in a small
voice. "It’ll only make the good-bye longer if you stay." Xander reached
out and hugged the redhead.

"Take care, Will," he whispered in her hear. "Don’t forget to come back to
us."

"How could I?" she replied in a low tone as Xander hugged her. After a few
moments, they parted and Buffy stepped up to repeat the procedure.

"I’ll miss you," Buffy said in a choked voice.

"Hey, I’ll miss you, too, Buffy," Willow answered to try and cheer the
Slayer up. "I’m even missing Spike already," Willow said with a playful
edge to her tone. After mentioning the vampire’s name, however, a look
crossed Buffy face. It only lasted a moment, but Willow knew her friend and
there had to be a story there. A story that would unfortunately have to
wait for later.

"This whole ‘living on a Hellmouth’ thing is definitely having an effect on
your reasoning skills, Will," Buffy recovered with a teasing smile. "Only a
crazy person would miss Spike." Willow didn’t thing the Slayer was as
convincing as she wanted to sound.

"Hence, Dru, and craziness ensues," Xander added. Willow tried to suppress
her laughter, and failed miserably, then looked to Buffy, who didn’t seem to
find the joke very funny, but Willow could tell she was humoring Xander.

"Yeah, well we do live on a Hellmouth, so I have my excuse. Either that or
I’m a crazy person, which, living in Sunnydale, isn’t that hard to imagine,"
Willow joked. The others gave a small laugh as Anya stepped in front of
Willow to give her what must have been the fastest hug on record.

"I’m supposed to wish you well and say I’ll miss you, so I am," Anya told
her matter-of-factly.

"Thank you, I‘ll miss you, too," Willow replied dryly.

"You’re welcome," Anya returned in a pleasant tone. Willow smile sweetly to
the ex-demon, trying to be civil, then walked over to Dawn and reached out
to hug her. The teen was hesitant at first, then allowed Willow to hug her
after a few awkward moments.

"I promise I will make everything up to you, Dawnie," Willow whispered.

"I know," Dawn replied softly. "I just want you to be okay," she added.

"I’m going to be. You’ll see," Willow assured her as she released her from
the hug, struggling to hide her emotions with a smile. "I love you guys,"
she added. "Thank you…for understanding."

"We love you too, Will," Buffy replied as they others remained quiet.
Willow nodded as they began to turn and head back through the terminal. She
gave one final glance to her friends before she turned and stepped into the
lengthy line, waiting to begin her flight. "I know a spell that would make
this so much…" Willow thought as she peered through the crowd, then stopped
herself. Suddenly, she didn’t need to be reminded why she was going to
England. She took a deep breath and settled back into line. After finally
making her check-in followed by a thorough check through customs, Willow
made her way through the terminal to her gate to wait for her flight to
board at last. As she walked towards the gate, she spotted a familiar
figure awaiting her in the corridor. Tara turned to see Willow as she came
up, just a few steps short of the gate.

"Tara," Willow said with surprise to see the quiet blonde.

"Willow," she greeted her, her tone even.

"How did you know…" Willow began, confused.

"Dawn told me. Where you’re going." Willow nodded. "She let me know when
you were leaving."

"Yeah. Giles is going to meet me at Heathrow," Willow told her.

"Good. I’m glad you’ll have someone with you," she answered softly.

"Tara…" she cut her off.

"I …" Tara stopped, not knowing how to go on. "I…I wanted you to know that
I pro…probably won’t be here whe… when you come back," she stuttered.

"No, Tara!"

"Willow, I don’t think I can do this," she admitted with a choked voice. "I
know you’ll get better… but I can’t wait for that. I can’t see you like
this, it’s… I just don’t think I can do it."

"But… I love you. I need you to be here for me…"

"No, you don’t," Tara assured her. "You are going to be fine on your own."

"But why? Have I been that horrible to you?" Tara gave her a severe look,
which stung her to the core.

"Willow, you violated my mind, lied to me, and you broke your promise not to
do it again, knowing what I had been through with Glory. I can’t just
forget that because you said you’re sorry. I know you’re getting help, but
I… I can’t be in Sunnydale right now. I… I need to be somewhere else," Tara
explained, a slight anger edging her tone.

"Where are you going to go?"

"My aunt’s. My mother’s sister," she added. "She has a farm. I’ve always
liked it there, and she said I could stay," Tara answered.

"So that’s it? You’re just going to leave? Just like that?" Willow asked
in a small voice.

"I’m sorry."

"So am I," Willow replied, trying to keep back the tears she knew would
come.

"I love you," Tara told her, her own eyes showing the same wear as Willow’s.
"I never stopped," she added. She gave Willow a hug and one final, tender
kiss. With that, she was gone, and Willow watcher her go. Once Tara was
out of sight, Willow held herself together long enough to get through the
detector, into the waiting area, where she collapsed in a vacant chair and
broke down. Several of her fellow passengers stared at her, and one kind
lady offered Willow a Kleenex, which the witch gratefully accepted. She
knew it was going to be a long flight. Soon after, the plane began to
board, and Willow took her seat, saying her final good-bye to America. She
gazed longingly out her window as they cleared the runway and took off. She
paid little attention to the in-flight movie and only picked at the meal
they offered her. She fell into a blissfully peaceful sleep for some time,
then woke a short time before they were to land. After a somewhat awkward
landing, they touched down at their destination, and the passengers slowly
started to deplane.

After gathering her carry-on, Willow made her way down the jet way and into
the airport. As she entered the bustling terminal, she took a few moments
to find Giles. After a few moments, she found him, standing at behind
several others awaiting passenger from her flight. He turned in her
direction, making eye contact with her and smiled as he made his way towards
her.

"Willow…" he greeted her, taking her in his arms as he came up to her.

"Hey, Giles," Willow said, trying to keep her voice in check, buy failing
miserably.

"How was your flight," he asked casually, beginning to look concerned. She
shook her head, not wanting to answer. "Willow, is everything all right?"
She shook her head again. "What happened?"

"Tara met me before I left. She … um… she told me not to expect her to be
there when I get back." With that, the floodgates opened, and Willow began
to whimper, then she went on to weep. He held her close to him, attempting
to comfort her.

"Shhh…" he said in a soothing voice. "It’s okay, love. It’s going to be
okay," he whispered in her ear.

"How could she leave me like that…" she whispered.

"I’m sure she had her reasons, Willow. I know Tara loved you very much, and
I know how much you loved her as well, but I assure you that you’re not
alone in this. I’m sure it isn’t much of a consolation now, but I am here
for you. Always," he promised her. He took his thumb and gently swept it
along her eyes, wiping away her tears.

"Thanks," she said softly.

"Willow… you should never have to thank me for being your friend."

"Well, thanks for putting up with me?" she replied, trying to lighten the
mood.

"I’ll allow that," Giles said with a smile. "Shall we be off?" he asked.

"Yeah, we shall," she answered with a renewed enthusiasm. After taking a
few steps down the corridor, Giles stopped, turning to face Willow.

"I almost forgot," he said, digging in his jacket pocket. "I brought
something for you." He pulled out a small, wrapped package. "It’s supposed
to be me wishing you well." She smiled as she opened the wrapping paper, to
reveal a elegant black box. She opened the box to find a round pendant on a
silver chain. The background of the pendant was silver, and on the front
was a enameled circle, half in black and half in white, and the reverse side
was circled by some writing, also done half in black, half in white, in a
language Willow didn’t recognize. She looked to Giles "It says strength of
mind, strength of body, and strength of spirit," he told her. "The circle
symbolizes balance."

"I like it," Willow declared with a smile as she took it out of the box,
holding it up. "It’s beautiful."

"I wanted you to have it." He took the necklace from her. "Something to
begin your… recovery, shall we say? May I?" she nodded, looking a little
taken by his thoughtfulness, as he undone the clasp and placed it along her
neck, then redoing to clasp when it was in place. He took a moment to
examine her. "It looks lovely on you," he declared.

"Thank you," she replied. He looked to her soberly.

"I expect that it’s not going to be easy for you to do what you must do
here. I wanted you to be able to have some tangible reminder that you do
have something waiting for you." She looked over to him, not knowing what
to say.

"Wow," was all she could manage.

"Perhaps we would be wise to leave on that note," Giles declared with a
gentle grin, and Willow nodded. They continued down the corridor, Willow
feeling sure that she had made the right decision by coming.

****************************************************************



"I’m so ready to leave," Willow said as she slipped into the passenger seat
of Giles’ car, and Giles got behind the wheel.  "I can’t believe that took
so long."

"There were several very large flights coming in," he pointed out.  "It only
meant there were more people waiting for their luggage."

"I know... it’s just that I wanted to get away from there."  She looked out
at the other vehicles as Giles pulled out of the parking garage.  "I feel
like I should be driving when I sit here," she commented as she settled into
her seat.

"It does take a bit getting used to the roads," Giles admitted.  "I know it
took me several days to get used to driving once I got back."

"Well, the last time I was behind the wheel... you know how spectacularly
that turned out, wrecked car and all."

"Willow..." he began, then she cut him off.

"It’s okay, Giles.  I need to take responsibility for what I did.  I’m not
running away from this," she added, and Giles looked to her.

"And I’m glad you have made that decision, Willow but it will have to wait
for morning.  It’s getting late, and we do have a drive to where we’re
going.  Not a long one, but I thought it would be best if we stopped for the
night.  I made a reservation for us at a small in not far from here," he
explained, and she nodded.  "I know you’ve had a long flight, so I told them
we’d arrive in the morning."

"Does this rehab place have a name," she asked.

"That’s... a little complicated.  It’ll make more sense once we arrive, I
assure you," he promised.  "For now, I think it’s best we rest for the
evening.  Our rooms should be quite nice."

Willow looked at him with a smile.  "You think this inn is nice?"

"I’ve stayed there, once, during my travels.  The accommodations were...
pleasant enough.  Not spectacular, but pleasant, and it also allows us to
have adjoining rooms.  I thought..." he looked to her.

"That’s fine," she told him, allaying any fears he had had about the
arrangements.  "It’s... kinda nice, actually."  He reached over and gently
placed his hand on hers.  The contact with his hand didn’t seem to faze her,
and he looked over into her eyes.

"You know, I won’t be able to stay where you are, but I will be near-by, and
I’ll be able to visit you often.  I hope you understand, Willow." he said
with a sober eye.

"I know.  You let on to as much when we went over the arrangements.  I
expected it, but it’s nice to know that you’ll be close," she added

"That I will, Willow.  That I will."  They drove on in silence, until they
pulled off onto another road, and Willow could see the inn from the road. 
It looked like a small English cottage, with well-kept grounds.  Giles
pulled into the parking lot and cut the engine.

"This is it," Willow said as she surveyed the building, and Giles nodded. 
"It think it’s lovely."  Giles smiled as they got out of the car and headed
for the lobby.  Giles walked up to the desk as Willow walked over to inspect
the large, ornate fire place at the other end of the room.  A young man with
short, blond hair was at the desk and greeted Giles.

"Hell, sir.  Do you have a reservation?" he said in a crisp tone.

"Yes, two rooms under Giles," he answered casually and the young man entered
some information on the computer in front of him.

"Yes, sir.  Two rooms for you and your lovely… friend," he man said with a
smirk as he took the keys and pushed them in Giles‘ direction.

"Just give me the bloody keys," Giles said with impatience.  He didn’t need
this little git’s snide remarks.

"Enjoy you stay, Mr. Giles," the young man replied as Giles took the keys. 
"You and your friend," the man added, his voice taking on a bit of a snide
edge when he called Willow his friend.  Giles ignored the man as he went
over and handed Willow her key.

"Shall we go see our rooms," he asked, and Willow nodded.  They walked up
the stairs to the next floor and took a right, walking down the hall and
passing a few rooms before they came upon the room number indicated on
Willow’s key.

"This is me," Willow said.

"I’ll give us a few moments to settle before I go down and get our bags," he
told and she nodded.  She slipped her key in the door and unlocked it.

"I’ll see you soon, Giles," she intoned with a smile as she disappeared into
her room.  Giles stayed there a few moments, thinking about how Willow
seemed to be okay, but he knew she wasn’t as together as she would like him
to believe.  He could still see the vulnerability in her eyes.  She still
had a long way to go.  He sighed as he walked down to the next door and
entered his own room.  It wasn’t anything grand, a single bed, a small
table, a large dresser and a tv.  There was a small closet by the door and a
well kept bathroom.  The décor was simple and modest, but at least tasteful.
  It didn’t seem like much, but it was neat and clean, and would certainly
do for the night.  He gave the room a once over and then headed out the
door, slipping his key in the pocket of his slacks.  He went down the stairs
and out the main door of the inn, walking to his car.  He opened the trunk
and took out his small suitcase followed by Willow’s.  He walked back into
the inn carrying both suitcases, grateful Willow was not one to over pack
and once again ascended the stairs, knocking on Willow’s door when he came
to it.  She opened the door after a few moments and let him into the room. 
It was much like his own, neat and clean, and she had already sat her
carry-on bag on the bed.  "Thanks," Willow said with a bright smile."

"Well, I’m just glad you’re not one to over pack," Giles commented wryly,
and Willow smiled.

"Well, thank you for bringing my bag up.  I think I’m going to get ready for
bed.  Big day tomorrow," she told him wryly.

"That it is," Giles answered, the knowledge of what was coming the next day
weighing on the atmosphere.  "Good night, Willow."

"Good night, Giles," she replied as he left the room.  He entered his own
room and laid his bag down, then he collapsed on the bed, not knowing if he
could face the next day.  What it would mean for Willow… he laid back on the
bed, thoughts reeling in his mind.  Would Willow be strong enough?  He knew
the seriousness of her situation, as much as she tried to pretend everything
was going to be okay, it wasn’t going to be easy.  She had to be strong, or
Giles knew she would be lost.  If she didn’t make it through, they may lose
her, and that was the last thing he wanted in the world.  He had told her
about the place because he knew the desperation of her situation, and he
wasn’t ready to give up on her.  He couldn’t lose her.  He could not allow
himself to lose Willow.

He wasn’t sure when he drifted off to sleep, but he was soon aware of the
strains of music around him.  He was in a shower, the spray of  water coming
down on him.  A woman’s voice filled the air, and he could feel her arms
wrapped lazily around his waist.

{It’s raining again}|
{Oh, no, my love’s at an end}
{Oh, no, it’s raining again}
{And you know it’s hard to pretend}
{Oh, no, it’s raining again}

He could feel her lips press against the back of his neck, her arms still
clinging to him.  He leaned closer to her, delighting in the feel of her
skin pressed to his.

{Too bad, I’m losing a friend}
{Oh, no, it’s raining again}
{Oh, will my heart ever mend?}
{Oh, no, it’s raining again}

He still couldn’t see her face, not that it mattered.  He was reveling in
the exquisite torture she was wreaking on his senses.  He could feel her
gentle lips as her kisses trailed on to his shoulders and he pressed closer
to her.  Her hands caressed his stomach and torso and he took her palm,
kissing it gently, needing to hold on to her somehow.

{You’re old enough, some people say}
{To read the signs and walk away}
{It’s only time that heals the pain}
{And makes the sun come out again}
{It’s raining again}
{Oh, no, my love’s at an end}
{Oh, no, it’s raining again}

He turned around to finally see her, her red hair hanging down in wet,
dripping pieces.  Her skin was slick against his palms and as wet as his,
and he placed his hand gently on her face, pressed his lips to her and began
to kiss her deeply.  He held on to her tightly as she kissed him back with
equal fervor.  She ran her hands down his back, barely touching him, sending
a shiver up his spine and a soft moan escaped his lips.

{Too bad I’m losing a friend}
{C’mon you little fighter}
{No need to get up tighter}

"Willow," he whispered in her ear.  The shrill ring of the alarm clock came
way too early as far as he was concerned, at he didn’t mean the hour. 
"Bloody hell," he muttered as he turned off the alarm.  Once the alarm was
off, he could distinctly hear the shower running in the next room.  Willow’s
room.  "Of all the bloody…" then he heard it.  Willow’s clear alto voice
coming from the next room.  She was singing.  His heart skipped a beat as he
recognized the song.

{C’mon you little fighter}
{And get back up again}
{Oh, get back up again}
{Fill your heart again}

The song was over as she continued to hum the tune.  The same tune… Giles
shook his head.  He may have heard it… he sighed as he laid back in the bed.
  It was going to be a long day indeed.