Fears

Author- Fayth

fayth82@yahoo.co.uk

This is an unfinished fanfic by Fayth.I'm posting exactly as=20
written,rather than editing it in any way,because I think you all=20
deserve an all-Fayth-written fic.I'll post as many parts as I have.


Pairing- W/S/A
Rating- No idea yet
Summary- Willow goes away to get some help.
Disclaimer- Joss owns everything except me=85 but I'm open for=20
suggestions.

Distribution- Breathe, Bite me Please, NHA, Redssoulmates, Fangs and=20
Red Witch, Eternal=85Literally, Rapture, Any one else just ask.=20
Warning- In my story Buffy is a bitch. I started to dislike her more=20
and more from season 5 and this is the eventual culmination of that.=20
If you like Buffy you may not want to read and so any feedback about=20
how my Buffy character is OTT will be relegated to the Spuffy bin.=20
Its my story and I'll hate her if I want.
Dedicated to Gabrielle Leider who inspired my first W/S/A even though=20
i think Angel is a pansy

She sat on the floor of her bathroom shaking like a leaf in a=20
hurricane. It was worse tonight, everything just hurt so badly inside=20
of her. She felt like she was being torn apart by the feeling raging=20
through her. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to be sick or just=20
pass out. Everything was spinning and the yearning was so intense it=20
was like a living breathing entity trying desperately to get her to=20
succumb, tempting her with its whispers in her head and in her soul=20
pushing at her to give in, to stop resisting because it was=20
inevitable.

Willow felt like giving in to the screaming in her veins, it would be=20
so easy to just surrender, it would be so damn easy and she could=20
rest, the screaming would stop and she could sleep, but that would=20
mean defeat and if there was one thing that could not happen it was=20
the demise of her wavering self control, her fragile grip on life. So=20
fight it she would, no matter the craving, no matter the pain and=20
longing and shattering and heaving and dammit...it hurt so bad.
Looking down she saw her hands had been so tightly squeezed as she=20
fought with herself that her nails had bitten into her palms and=20
little rivulets of blood ran from her hands down to trickle on the=20
floor. She laughed mockingly as she saw it and then bit back tears.=20
She didn't deserve to have the comfort of tears; she was paying for=20
her arrogance.

Suddenly she no longer wanted to be alone, she knew that Buffy had=20
said to speak to her anytime she needed a friend. She could trust=20
Buffy, she had never kept things from her in the past, except for=20
that whole heaven thing but she had promised no more secrets. Willow=20
had to go to her.

She pushed herself up from the wall and clutched the hand rail as the=20
room started to spin.=20

Buffy was on patrol, so she needed to go out and find her.
Without hunting for a jacket, Willow lurched down the stairs and=20
walked out into the night searching for her friend, the one who would=20
help her.

The cemetery was dark and the night creatures peered in wonder at the=20
small figure staggering along in the darkness, unafraid of anything=20
except her own failings and urges. They knew better than to take a=20
bite out of something that held that much power and pain. They kept=20
their distance as she searched each of the graveyards.=20
She was feeling dizzy and tired, but the cool wind was helping her to=20
focus on her mission, as long as she had a goal she would be okay, it=20
would be okay as long as she didn't fixate on the way her will was=20
being bent and her insides grated away by her desire to concede=20
defeat.=20

Willow tripped over a grave and sank to the floor,=20
"Buffy?" she whispered desperately. As she laid her head on the cold=20
headstone she realised that Spike would know how to find Buffy. They=20
often went on patrol with each other and he had that whole=20
preternatural scent thing, he could find her. With a new goal in=20
mind, she clawed her way to her feet and stumbled on towards Spike's=20
crypt.=20

The crypt was up ahead and black against the night, but for Willow it=20
held comfort, the possibility that Spike would help her find Buffy=20
who would help her ride out this feeling, help her come back to life=20
and ease her fears.

She reached the door and leaned against it in relief. Almost there.=20
She pushed against the door with what strength she had left, which=20
wasn't much, her walk on top of her withdrawal having sapped her=20
energy to a scary degree for someone used to feeling vitalised.
The door edged open and Willow shuffled forward ready to enter when=20
she heard a raw scraping sound. She looked up and her eyes froze on=20
the scene.

It was something out of a nightmare. Spike was pale and gleaming,=20
cold, naked in the dusty depths of the crypt and had Buffy pushed up=20
against a wall, her skirt around her waist, blouse torn and her head=20
thrown back, the oddest mixture of pleasure and disgust on her face.=20
She was clutching his arms with fingernails that were so tight he=20
bled, drops falling down his arm.

Willow looked at her own fist covered in the crimson blood matching=20
his forearms.=20
They were bleeding. Him and her both, bleeding from Buffy, bleeding=20
for Buffy. Both for different reasons. Buffy had lied, she had=20
secrets.
Willow let the door close and she walked away, hurting more than she=20
had thought she could.

Buffy has been sleeping=85having sex=85doing whatever with Spike and she=20
had lied to Willow. No more secrets, what was it with them, did=20
everyone know and she just didn't trust Willow? No if Xander knew=20
then he wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret, he hated Spike=20
that much. Why would Buffy lie? They may not like each other's choice=20
in love but they respected their right to choose who made them=20
miserable, Oz, Angel, Cordelia, Anya, Parker, Riley, Tara.=20
More than anything right now Willow wished Giles was here. She needed=20
him, she needed someone. She pressed her hand to her head as she=20
fought the urge to scream at the world who insisted on hurting her=20
more.=20

Then, like the eye of the storm, a strange calm came over her.=20
Sunnydale didn't want her around anymore and she wanted to be here=20
even less than that. Buffy didn't trust her, Xander hadn't seen her=20
and Dawn hated her, Giles left her and so had Tara. It was time to go=20
away. Somewhere maybe where she couldn't feel the magic pulsating=20
beneath her fingers and feet, begging her to use it, abuse it.=20
She sat on the bed reaching for her stationary to write a goodbye=20
note, she wouldn't just leave like that, she wasn't Buffy. Having=20
written a few words she threw a few clothes into a case dragged out=20
from under the bed and grabbed her personal items from her desk draw,=20
money, passport, car keys, savings books and purse. Her parents had=20
bought her a car last year for graduating, not realising that she had=20
graduated the year before but it didn't matter as she had never had=20
reason to use the vehicle before now.=20

Willow took one last look around the room she had lived with Tara in=20
for the last few years and quietly shut the door on her past, leaving=20
the house as quietly as she could.
Having walked nearly all over Sunnydale Willow was physically=20
exhausted by the time she got to her parents house but knew that if=20
she stopped tonight, by the morning she would have changed her mind=20
about leaving, coming up with some ridiculous reason about duty and=20
friendship. Rubbish.
So she got in her car and threw her bag on the backseat, she rested=20
her hands on the steering wheel, shaking from all the effort she had=20
expended tonight and kicked it in drive.
The road was long and winding, the trees flew past in the darkness=20
telling her that she was actually going somewhere, she was leaving.=20
The "You are now leaving Sunnydale" sign had never looked so sweet.






Part 2 - By Fayth

Spike leaned against the crypt and watched as Buffy pulled her
clothes back together. He braced himself for the ritual "You are
disgusting and this will never happen again" speech. Oddly enough
that didn't matter so much to him anymore. Buffy wasn't the woman he
had fallen in love with, if he had ever been in love with her in the
first place. She was cold and heartless, he'd seen that first hand in
the way she treated the witch after she had collapsed, ok so she had
hurt Dawn but she had been in some serious pain herself and all Buffy
could do was yell at her and make her feel worse. Spike had felt a
strange sort of kinship with the redhead at that moment. He knew how
it felt to have the one you loved leave you for no other reason that
you were a bit different to how you had been before. He knew how love
could pull you under its spell and drown you and, after all hadn't
she been there during his spectacular drinking binge after Dru?
Watching her lying on the floor sobbing those raw sounds of pain
mirroring those he himself had done on her shoulder. He had wanted to
return the favour for her. It was odd feelings for him, the feeling
of wanting to comfort someone instead of destroy them. Maybe because
the girl had always been the best of the bunch, she had never treated
him like dirt or a creature that wasn't worth noticing. Whatever it
was there was this part of him that had wanted to go to the girl and
make her see that what she was doing was dangerous, maybe talk to her-
sympathise and maybe stop her before she got on the selfsame
destructive path that made him this loser he had turned into but he
had never gotten around to it. Too busy being the Slayer's sex toy he
thought disgustedly at himself.

"I can't believe I did this again, I feel-" she swallowed "Never
again."

"Alright then if you insist, shut the door on your way out." Spike
said as he made his way over to the bed. He turned to see the look on
Buffy's face and was rewarded by her open mouth and stunned eyes.
"I mean it." She glared at him.

"Ok." Spike nodded and sat on his tomb- bed "Night then." He nodded
to the door.

Buffy seemed too shocked to reply to that and left. Spike let a huge
smile grace his features as the feeling of satisfaction swamped him.
She was gone and he had been the one to end it. It was therapeutic in
a way, ok she had been a great shag but afterwards he had always felt
bad, like she wasn't the only one who was empty. Well no more, this
loves bitch was holding out for the real thing now, accept no Slutty
substitute.

Buffy made her way home, her mind whirling at the latest development,
did Spike mean what he'd said or was he just gloating because he knew
she'd be back? Would she, could she go back?
She sighed in revulsion at herself, since she had gotten back…no been
torn from heaven she had felt distanced from everyone and everything.
Spike had helped her feel something and that was welcome but at what
cost to herself and her own self esteem, after all he wasn't really a
person, he didn't have a soul. He was just a thing, a thing that she
was supposed to destroy and slay, not sleep with.
Buffy shut the door behind her, was he serious? Would he refuse to
have sex with her and leave her like this?
She paused outside Willow's room considering going in and asking
Willow to look at the spell that bought her back to see if something
was wrong but then she remembered with disgust that Willow was a
magic junkie, she'd probably be in there crying and whimpering
because she couldn't use magic, Buffy couldn't handle pretending to
be interested right now, if ever. So she bypassed the room and walked
into the bathroom to shower the smell of dusty crypt away from her.

***

Angel smiled down at his son as he lay sleeping in his cot. He was
perfect and Angel couldn't believe how lucky he was to be able to
have a child. A living, breathing child with no horns and a distinct
lack of two heads. It was a mini miracle. Angel found himself
grinning inanely at the sleeping infant, Connor was adorable, so
amazing his own mother had sacrificed herself for him. He thought of
Darla toned Angel's smile down, he would never have believed it
unless he had seen it himself; his arrogant, selfish Sire staked
herself for a human. He could see Darla in Connor sometimes and that
made him happy. Contrary to what everyone assumed he had loved Darla,
she had been his Sire. The one who taught him all he needed to know
about eternal life and living through history. He had staked her once
because of Buffy; well actually it had been a mistake. He meant to
hit her just left of the heart so she knew he was serious and would
leave them alone. Unfortunately Darla had always told him that he
couldn't aim for shit and she had been proved right, dead right as it
turned out.
Angel had been in agony and anguish for days, his beloved Sire killed
by his own hand. It had hurt in a way that no mortal could ever
comprehend. And yet they all breezed over it like it meant nothing
more than staking a fledgling.
Angel knew about loss and love no matter what his annoying childe
Spike had claimed. Angel had loved three women in his life, one he'd
killed, one had sent him to hell and the third was currently on a
cruise with a muscle bound Dumbass from another dimension. Cordelia
had no idea that Angel had been falling in love with her and had just
been about to confess and try to make a relationship work when
Grooselug had appeared but it still stung that she dropped everything
and left with the intellectually challenged oaf.
Angel walked away from his son and closed the door quietly; he didn't
want to wake him up having only just gotten him to sleep.
He walked down the hallway and listened to the sounds, Fred was
singing quietly to herself in the lobby and Wesley was sitting in his
office looking up prophecies. Gunn was out with his crew and Lorne
was back supervising the opening of Caritas. Angel found himself
quite content, a feeling that had evaded him for hundreds of years
whilst his soul was in torment, both in this reality and in hell
dimensions. It was…nice.
Maybe he'd go for a walk and take out some of this nice feeling out
on the local vampire population.


Willow stood in front of the Hyperion hotel and stared at the
darkened windows and lamp lit lobby. It looked welcoming and
comforting through the garden-like courtyard, a safe haven. A
position where Willow had no place. She had no idea what had driven
her to come here, or even how she'd gotten here it was the last- the
second to last place in the world she should come.
Angel was the love of Buffy's life, if she wanted to escape from the
shadow of Buffy then this was hardly the ideal situation. If only she
wasn't so damn tired, her limbs aching with the effort that it took
her to remain upright, she had left her bag in the car, unable to
pick it up with hands that shook so badly she kept slipping on the
steering wheel. It was a miracle she was here without having crashed.
If she went in now, Angel and the others would want to know what was
wrong with her, they'd call Sunnydale and Buffy and she'd be right
back where she started only this time they'd watch her to make sure
she didn't leave. Besides it might be nice to have someone somewhere
who didn't think of her in abhorrence. No, this wasn't the right
choice she should leave, if she could just make it to the car without
collapsing; she could sleep for a few hours before having to move on.
She turned and slowly tried to walk back to the car, her vision
swimming as she moved silently, her breath coming in fast pants. She
staggered and fell against a briar covered trellis and felt the sharp
thorns pierce her skin, the pain filled her senses and made her gasp
loudly as her nerves caught fire.
It's the withdrawal, a rational part of her mind told her, it makes
everything so much worse, you are not dying from thorn pricks, you
are not being ripped apart. But the screaming in her head drowned out
the rational part until all she could feel was the pain.
Then like a cool breeze drifting through her
"Willow?"







Part 3


Angel stood in the courtyard and stared in surprise at the slim
figure painstakingly making its way away from the hotel, he'd
recognize the long red hair anywhere.
"Willow?" he called his mind racing through all the thoughts as to
why she would be here.
She turned so slowly that Angel was concerned, wondering if she was
hurt but all thoughts fled when he saw her face. Her hair hung lank
and straggly by her pale face, she was drenched with sweat. Her whole
body was shaking and her eyes unfocussed, as she looked at him she
fell and only his Vampire speed enabled him to catch her before she
hit the pavement.
"WESLEY." He yelled as he swung her into his arms cradling her
against his chest, even in his worried state he noticed frantically
that her heartbeat was way too fast and she barely weighed anything.
He raced into the lobby just as Wesley came careening out holding a
two edged axe. He noted absently that at least the ex-watcher seemed
prepared.
"Good Lord." Wesley exclaimed and dropped the axe on the desk.
"We need to get her upstairs." Angel commanded forgetting that Wes
was actually in charge.
"Yes of course." Wesley added "Fred, we need hot water, towels and
the kit."
"Okay." Fred chirped worriedly and bounded to the kitchen.
Angel placed Willow gently on his bed and stroked her hair away from
her forehead.
"Willow?"
"Angel?" her voice was hoarse and scratchy, like she hadn't used it
in a while.
"What's wrong? Do you need help? What can we do? How long have you
been like this?" Angel asked and she cleared her throat. Angel moved
his head closer to hear what she whispered
"Don't call them." she pleaded before she fell unconscious. Angel
looked up stunned into the curious eyes of the ex-watcher.
"Well that's unexpected." Wes remarked dryly.

****
Dawn had a funny feeling that all her pancake experiments were doomed
to failure. At least Willow hadn't been around to see the way this
one went up in smoke…literally. Dawn hardened as she thought about
the witch. Ex-witch. Whatever she had still nearly gotten her killed
and Dawn wasn't ready to forgive her yet, no matter what angst she
was going through. She beamed as Buffy came down the stairs.
"Morning Buff."
"Dawn." Buffy greeted and headed for the fridge and her morning
juice "Willow up yet?"
"Don't know, don't care." Dawn snapped, her good mood vanishing as
Buffy didn't even look at her, which was happening too recent of late.
"Aren't you late?" Buffy said ignoring her sister's attitude, it
wasn't like she was Dawn's mom or anything.
"Yeah." Dawn picked up her bag and decided to wait outside for
Xander; he was one of the only people that cared about her nowadays
anyway.
Buffy didn't even notice her leaving.

***
Angel sat by Willow laying a cool cloth over her sweaty forehead. She
wouldn't wake up; he'd watched over her all night and although in her
dreams she'd screamed loud enough to wake the dead…in Sunnydale,
there was no sign of her waking.
He knew that she didn't want him to call those in Sunnydale and to be
honest he was a little more than reluctant to call them himself.
Still he was worried about Willow; she had been the only one to ever
treat like a man, instead of a demon, to treat him like he mattered.
For that he would always be grateful to the hacker.
"No change?" Angel hadn't even heard Wesley come in.
"None." He confirmed
"Lorne and Gunn have arrived if you want to go say hi." Wesley came
over and sat by the bed watching the young girl as she tossed and
turned murmuring in her sleep.
"I just want to know what's wrong with her." Angel said quietly,
knowing he could confide in his best friend.
"I know, Miss Rosenberg was always kind to me even when others
weren't." Wesley smiled "She's quite the gem."
"Yeah." Angel said softly "I should go speak to Lorne." He gave her
head one last stroke and walked away leaving Wesley alone with the
redhead.
"Oh Willow, whatever happened to you?" Wesley soothed
"Hurts." She whimpered from cracked lips, making Wes jump
"What hurts?" he whispered
"Everything, help me." She begged and her eyes fluttered open
"Hurts."
"Miss Rosenberg do you know where you are?" he asked softly.
She squinted and then shook her head
"You're in L.A in the Hyperion hotel with Angel and Wesley."
"Don't call them." she urged her eyes wide with beseeching.
"We won't." he realised that he wouldn't get anything out of her
tonight "You are safe here, sleep." He patted her on the arm and she
gave a weak smile.
"Safe." She repeated before drifting off back to a dreamless sleep.

***
Buffy glared at the monitor in front of her wondering why she was
even in this stupid job, she got really high SAT scores, she didn't
have to work in a fast food joint for pity's sake. It was beneath
her, like so many things in this pathetic existence. She was the
Slayer; she shouldn't be trying to scratch out a meagre existence on
minimum wage. She sighed as she tried to remember which darn button
was for Milkshake and counted the seconds until she was off.

**
Angel stopped talking as Wesley came down the stairs.
"Wes?" he moved forward "She awake?"
"For a brief moment, I couldn't get much out of her I'm afraid, only
that she was in pain and she didn't want us to call them." he
admitted wryly. He ran his hand through his shoulder length hair and
briefly debated getting it cut, but it seemed like far too much
hassle at the moment and besides, it made him look slightly less…
tweedy?
Angel frowned "Willow was always at the centre of the gang; whatever
went wrong is obviously bad."
"And you ain't whistling Dixie," Lorne added. Wesley couldn't help
but smile at the picture the Host made with his shiny blue suit and
pink shirt clashing horribly with his green skin and yet somehow
making it work.
"What?" Angel looked at him
"I could feel a magical signature a mile wide when I came in angel-
cakes, either someone's been whipping up some major mojo or that girl
is spilling magic like spin dryer at a wine tasting."
"Magic overdose?" Wesley's tone was revelatory.
"You've heard of it?" Angel asked him recognising the signs in Wes's
voice.
"Yes. Not too frequently actually, the magic user tends to Uh destroy
themselves with their addiction as well as others around them. I have
heard several cases of the user going quite insane and ending their
own life."
"So the girl is gonna go supernova on our asses?" Gunn spoke up for
the first time "Huh, like we ain't all used to that."
Angel gaped "Willow wouldn't do that." he stated firmly.
"I wasn't suggesting that she would." Wes was slightly affronted at
Angel accusatory tone.
"Sorry Wes, its just I have known Willow since she was fifteen, I
don't think she's capable of hurting people, even herself."
"When Magic has a hold of you it's very difficult to regain control
of yourself." Wesley bit his lip in an old mannerism "If Miss
Rosenberg is addicted we may not be able to help her."
"She came here for a reason." Angel said resolutely "We help the
helpless and right now Willow is helpless and I will not let her
destroy herself."
Gunn nodded "Damn straight."
"Uh I agree with the stud muffin, if that Wicca is as big a queen as
she feels she obviously has some purpose here,"
"Of course." Wesley agreed "I always liked Miss Rosenberg, I want to
help her."
"Plus Angel said she was a hottie." Gunn added.
Angel ducked his head sheepishly as Wes raised an eyebrow.
"Well she is."

**
Spike paced around the cemetery waiting for the fledgling to arise,
the darn thing was late. He scuffed at the new earth under his feet
and took another drag at his cigarette. It had been a good day since
he had seen Buffy. She'd left the crypt and he'd told her that it
being over was just fine with him, and surprisingly it was. He'd
spent the day sleeping and now was out hunting and all; he wasn't
going to drop by the Magic box tonight just in case Buffy thought he
was there to pick up where they left off. No, he decided he'd wait a
few days before going to see the gang. It wasn't like they would miss
him anyway- well maybe Nibblet, but she'd be busy taking care of the
witch. Spike paused as he wondered whether he should try and go talk
to her about her lady, make her wise up before she did something
stupid like him, before recalling that she was a guest at Chez Slayer-
and of course the best way to tell Buffy he wasn't interested was to
go to her house and ask to speak to her best friend, someone he would
never normally talk to. Yeah Right. The witch would be okay- she had
her pals, and he had a whole town that needed to be prowled.

**
Buffy watched as Spike dusted the new demon and then picked up his
stake with a jaunty tune and wandered off into the night. He seemed
pretty perky, maybe he was waiting for her to come and tell him that
she was sorry and she wanted to be with him again. She leaned hard
against the wall, trying to conceal her presence, maybe she could
last a few days, make him come to her then she wouldn't have to lose
face. But even as she thought it she knew she couldn't last that long
without feeling something. Dawn would be okay tonight since Willow
hadn't left her room, she was obviously in- I mean where else would
she be than moping in her room and since she wasn't out saving the
world she could baby-sit Dawn.
Buffy considered following Spike but knew that she had to patrol,
after all it was her duty; it was what they had bought…ripped her out
of heaven for. Because they couldn't hack it.
She snarled at their selfishness and headed for the next cemetery.

**
Dawn closed the door behind her and slumped down on the sofa. No sign
of Buffy yet and she couldn't bring herself to call for Willow's
company just yet. She knew she was being a bitch about this but her
arm still throbbed and every time she looked at Willow she could see
her spaced out laughing at Dawn and calling her a party poop. It was
bad enough that everyone treated her like a baby and then her
favourite person in the whole world hurt her, it was like an idol
being knocked off their pedestal and that hurt more than anything.
But what eased Dawn was knowing that Willow was suffering for it, and
maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd try talking to Willow. Maybe they
could hang out and be friends again.

**
Fred nodded "Oh and then we were gonna cut his head off but we waited
and what d'ya know it was a human baby not a demon baby, even though
some demon babies are kinda cute but we didn't want Connor to be a
demon coz then we'd have to cut off his head and I am so glad we
didn't, coz its hard to live life without a head. Although not
impossible I mean there is this demon that doesn't have a head, a
Tutinbauch or something-"
"Tetenbauchen." rasped the figure on the bed causing Fred to jump in
alarm.
"Oh hey, ya'll awake." She grinned widely in a Fred way and then
stopped puzzled as the girl didn't open her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"No." Willow said plainly and then her lips curved "Carry on, I was
listening."
"Oh!" Fred was delighted "I know I kinda ramble a bit but Angel that
was okay, he said it was kinda endearing. Not dear, he didn't call me
dear. Not that I want him to, I mean he's sweet and all and he did
save my life but he broods too much, although less with Connor which
is what I was talking to you about."
Willow let her mind rest for the first time in weeks as she let
Fred's words wash over her. They were soft and lilting with her Texan
accent and they made Willow want to smile for the first time since
Buffy had died. Really smile.
"- so then we were surrounded by Vampires who wanted Connor dead and
Darla was all weepy and emotional which isn't vampire like at all, at
least I don't think it is, I don't know many Vampires socially,
unless you count Angel-"
"Which I hope you do." Came a voice form the door.
"Hi Angel!" Fred bubbled over with enthusiasm "Me and Willow was
getting acquainted."
"Is she awake?" he peered over relieved.
"Hey." Willow croaked, still not opening her eyes.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as he motioned for Fred to move so he
could sit on the bed next to Willow.
"Who drove the truck?" she said wryly, giving him an old Sunnydale
excuse.
"Do you wanna talk?" Fred got up and moved to the other side of the
room letting them have some privacy.
Willow shook her head.
"Willow," Angel was unsure how much to say about what he knew of her
condition. If she didn't want them to know then by telling her he
would just alienate her and for reasons he didn't even know, he
needed to keep her here and keep her safe. He decided that he'd let
Willow tell them in her own time.
"Do you need anything?"
She shook her head "I'll be out of your way as soon as I'm up." She
said softly.
"No, please stay as long as you like Willow." Angel offered "I would
like to have you here."
She didn't say anything for a long while and he wondered if shed
fallen asleep.
"Don't call them." she asked again.
"I won't." He promised.

**
Wesley had always loved the night time, he loved just walking about
in the cool air and surveying his surroundings as the shadows fell.
It helped him think and tonight his thoughts were on the girl in the
bed next to him, she awakened briefly earlier that day and spoke to
Fred and Angel but yesterday she had spoken to him. He had been the
first one she had talked to. Foolish or not he now felt a certain
kinship with her.
He had ventured into the kitchen and made her some soup, he knew she
hadn't eaten in almost two days, maybe more from the looks of her.
She had slept through the first night she was here and the majority
of the day and it was time she had some nourishment.
"Miss Rosenberg?"
She opened her eyes and saw the ex-watcher standing over her with a
tray in his arms.
"I thought you might be a tad hungry." He said indicating the tray
in front of him.
Using shaky arms Willow dragged herself to a sitting position.
"I guess I am kinda hungry." She leaned back against the pillow that
little bit of exertion exhausting her more than she cared to admit.
Her stomach growled in agreement and she blushed at her body's
admission.
"I have soup, and some juice I wasn't sure what you could keep down."
He said as he placed the tray on her lap.
"Well look at you all domesticated." She teased, feeling a little
more human now she had gotten some sleep. Wesley smiled at her
"Its amazing what skills you need when you live alone."
"Alone?" she picked up on the word "No Mrs Wyndam Price yet?"
"No." he laughed "Not as yet."
Willow tasted the soup and found it delicious "This is great Wes
thanks."
"You are welcome Miss Rosenberg."
"Willow." she insisted with a half smile.
He sat on the bed and watched her for a while "I know you told Angel
that you do not wish to talk Mis- Willow, but we do just want to help
you."
The thought that someone actually wanted to help her bought tears to
her eyes, tears which she choked down.
"Willow."
"Sorry Wes, its just it's been a while since anyone has cared." She
swiped at her face with her fists, looking for all the world like a
child trying desperately to be brave.
Wes's heart went out to her. "We do care, I care. What went wrong?"
"Me." She sniffed "I bought Buffy back and it was all wrong. It all
just went so…wrong."
"They were powerful magic's." he said tentatively, not sure how much
to reveal.
"Yeah." her tone was wistful "I was good at it."
"Was?" he picked up on the relevant word, his anxiety level flaring
at the errant thought of what could be wrong with her.
"Yeah, no more magic for Willow." Willow stared down at her almost
empty plate.
"What do you mean no more Magic?" Wesley was starting to panic.
"I mean my magic got someone hurt so I promised that I wouldn't do it
anymore."
"What does Mr Giles say about that?" Wesley stood up and began to
pace.
"Giles is in England." Willow watched as his hands clenched and
unclenched "He has been for months now. He left as soon as Buffy came
back."
Wesley turned away so she couldn't see the rage in his face.
"Wesley what is it." Apparently he didn't do a very good job of
hiding it.
He turned to face her and sat on the bed "Willow what you are doing
now is more dangerous than you can imagine. Magic is a part of you
now, as close to you as breathing. You cant just shut it out and hope
that it goes away."
"But you don't understand I hurt people." Willow bit out
"I don't doubt that you did. But you cant shut it off now Willow,
it's a part of you, an important part of you. Trying to stop is like
trying not to breathe and it feels just as bad doesn't it?" he added
softly
"I'm trying." Her breath caught and the tears shimmered in her
eyes "Its hard so hard but I have to."
"No." he soothed "You don't. You can't. If you try to stop it'll just
build up until you cant hold anymore and then its overflow and burst.
You could kill hundreds of people with a magical backlash like that,
including you. It's already starting to leak Willow. We could feel
it."
"But if I do magic then I hurt people." She said desperately trying
to get him to understand. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and her
breathing became ragged "No matter what I do it seems I'm gonna hurt
someone, better me than them."
"No." Wesley scooted forward and took the tray off the bed, and then
he took her hands in his. "You don't need to stop or go that far. You
just need to control it, go back to how it was in the beginning when
magic was about control- not a quick and easy fix. Master those
skills that they wouldn't let you."
"What?"
"I saw how they pushed you to get better, to get more advanced so you
could help them, but that amount of power needed to be controlled,
tempered and regulated and they never let you take the time to
respect the magic, just use it. Mr Giles should have been teaching
you from day one about the dangers and the benefits and how to avoid
magic dependency."
"He wan-wanted to shield me." She shuddered as the tears came faster.
Wesley smiled kindly "I know, but talent like yours you cannot
shield. You needed direction. And now more than ever. You need to go
back to basics."
"How?"
"Start with cleansing spells, healing, and meditation. Regain control
of the smaller things."
"But what if I slip and mess up and hurt someone. I can't stay here."
She swung her legs off the bed "Angel has a son and if I do something
I c-c-couldn't-"
Wesley stood in front of her and gently laid his arms on her
shoulders. "Don't go Willow, you need someone to help you and we have
a great team, which you could be a part of."
Her lip trembled "Why do you care?"
Wes smiled and urged her to sit down again "Because you are you and I
saw how extraordinary you were whilst I was in Sunnydale as a Watcher…
a rather poor one."
"Could you be my watcher?" her voice was soft and hardly daring to
hope. Her eyes big and round, pleading for help.
"Your Watcher?" his expression was of surprise and Willow mistook
that for rejection.
"S-sorry I -I'll-"
"I'd be honoured to be your Watcher Willow."
"Really?" she looked up at him as she sat on the bed and shivered.
"Yes. Tomorrow we can begin a training schedule of magic lessons and
meditation. I have just one stipulation." His voice was stern.
"W-what?"
"I will not wear tweed."
It was the first true smile Willow had given in months and it felt
good.






Updated 12-15-03

Part 4 - Updating more soon!




The End.