Title: To Forsake All Others
Author: Jinni (druscilla@cox.net)
Rated: R
Pairing: W/A eventually
Author’s Notes: This takes place after the events "Hell’s Bells" in BtVS
canon and after the events of "Waiting in the Wings" in AtS canon. For the
sake of this fic we will all assume that Connor is just a baby and in no way
connected to any sort of prophecy.
Summary: Willow pays a hard price to give Angel the ultimate present.

~*~*~

Things had been quiet at Angel Investigations – entirely too quiet for the tastes of one ex-watcher. Without Cordelia around there was no one to nag them, no one screaming from visions, and no one being overly bossy.

‘Come to think of it, that’s more like heaven.’ Wesley smirked to himself. He stood up from his desk, wandering to the doorway of his office. Gunn and Fred were off somewhere; no doubt doing things that would make his heart freeze. With Cordelia gone, as well, that left only himself and Angel in the building.

Wesley watched Angel from his position at the doorway, his heart going out to him. Out of every other employee at Angel Investigations, the ex-watcher was the one who could best understand what the vampire was feeling at that moment. Loss. Sadness. Loneliness. All of those things he himself had felt not too many days before when he had caught Fred and Gunn together. No matter how hard Angel had tried to keep his feelings a secret – it didn’t take a genius to put it all together. Anyone with half a clue should have noticed that Angel had feelings for Cordelia. Wesley sighed, pushing away from the doorway.

"Why didn’t you just tell her?"

Angel looked up at the words, startled. His eyes locked with those of the man standing before him and he attempted to look puzzled. "Tell who…what??"

"Don’t play dumb with me, Angel." Wesley said, his voice little more than a whisper in the empty hotel lobby. He sank into a chair, his eyes never departing from those of the vampire. Unlike himself, Angel needed to let his feelings out. A vampire with pent-up emotions just wouldn’t make for happy inter-office relations. Especially since said vampire tended to take dumb risks when he was depressed. "Why didn’t you tell Cordelia how you felt?"

The dark haired vampire raised his eyebrows, intending to disavow any knowledge of having feelings for Cordelia that went anything beyond friendship. Instead, he found himself telling the truth. "What good would it have done? She loves Groo and he loves her. I could never have come between that. I wouldn’t have stood a chance."

"And now you’ll never know, either." Wesley pointed out quietly. He didn’t for one moment believe that Angel would have had no chance with Cordelia. The two of them would have, in fact, made a lovely couple and there was no telling the happiness they would have shared.

"Let’s face it – things between her and I would never have worked out anyway. When you love someone you want to be with them…in the way her and Groo are probably being together right about now." His normally stoic face was set in a look of utter sadness. "That’s the kind of happiness I can never have, Wes." Without another word he was gone, the stairs creaking slightly as he made his way to his rooms.

Wesley nodded, understanding now the main reason Angel had held himself back – the curse. The vampire could never know true happiness or else Angelus would be released upon the world again. In a none-too-rare act of self-sacrifice Angel had given up on a relationship with Cordelia. He had stood back and let her move on to someone who would be able to share everything with her. It was totally selfless and just what the former Watcher expected of the vampire. ‘He deserves happiness, though.’ Wesley thought bitterly. He looked around the now empty lobby. "He has atoned numerous times over." Wesley whispered, his eyes glaring up at the ceiling – up to the heavens themselves. "Why can’t he have this one thing? Happiness?"

Standing suddenly, the former Watcher strode quickly to his office. He shut the door behind him. There was no good reason why Angel couldn’t have happiness. He wouldn’t stop being the Warrior of the PTBs. In fact, he would probably be even better at it than he was now. The ability to love and find happiness wasn’t a weakness. There was little chance for Wesley himself to ever find happiness – but maybe he could help Angel attain some of his own. Removing the happiness clause from the curse would no doubt enable the vampire to seek out happiness in any form he chose. Not to mention the safety it would give to those around Angel, including the vampire’s infant son, Connor. He sat down at his desk, fingers already moving to the keyboard of his computer. The former Watcher’s face was set in an expression of pure determination.

"Time to get to work, old boy."

~*~*~

Cordelia knocked lightly on the door of Wesley’s office, ignoring the muffled, "Go away", that came from within. Twisting the knob, she poked her head into the office, smiling brightly. She rolled her eyes at the sight of Wesley, hunched over his desk. Papers were scattered everywhere. ‘Doesn’t he ever just take a break?’ She thought before speaking up, still smiling. "Hey, recluse-man!"

Wesley lifted his head from the book he had been looking at, favoring Cordelia with a broad smile. "Ah. You’re back. Did you have a nice vacation?"

"Oh yeah. Tons of fun. We went on a nice cruise and then just laid around my apartment for a week – just relaxing and having fun…And you aren’t paying a bit of attention to me, are you?" Her voice was sharp when she noticed that the dark haired man had returned to the book he had been reading.

"No…no – I’m paying attention." Wesley assured her. His eyes were fixed firmly on the page in front of him. "I’m very happy to have you back."

"Yeah – feeling it. I’d have better luck trying to have a conversation with Connor." She rolled her eyes and left, shutting the door behind her.

The former Watcher never once looked up, his eyes darting from left to right across the page. His lips moved as he read over the translation he had finished a mere five minutes before Cordelia interrupted. Only once he had started looking for a soul-anchoring spell had Wesley realized just how impossible it would be to find a spell specifically to permanently bind a soul to a vampire. Apparently there weren’t too many people who cared enough to give demons their souls. In order to experience any sort of success he had been forced to expand his search to spells that anchored souls to ‘anything’.

The current spell he was looking over was to anchor a soul into a human body – a last ditch effort to protect against certain types of soul-trading practices favored by tribes still in existence in the jungles of South America. It had been something he remembered reading about in journals written by Watchers who had observed those peoples at one time or another. Getting his hands on a copy of the spell had been nothing but pure luck, he could admit. One of his contacts included a friend that was still a member of the Watchers. It had taken that friend almost an entire week to locate the spell Wesley remembered. The parcel containing the delicate parchment had arrived just that morning, shipped express from London.

But he wasn’t sure if it would work – the spell was meant to be used on humans, not wayward vampires. He knew, in his heart, that it was likely to be the closest thing to what he was looking for. There just were not any spells to permanently anchor a vampire’s soul to their body. What point was there when most people just wanted vampires dead? He realized, as he finished looking over the translation, that he still had a problem.

He wasn’t capable of doing this spell.

In fact – he could think of only one person he had come into contact with since leaving the Watchers that *would* be able to do the spell. He had tried to keep the group in Sunnydale out of this entirely – hadn’t even contacted them to help him find the spell. But, in the end, he was going to need the help of one of them.

Willow Rosenberg.

~*~*~

Willow looked around the small magic supply shop, wondering at the sanity of her friends. How could they leave her, of all people, to watch the shop while they went off? She could understand that they all needed to share the responsibility of the shop now that Anya was gone but didn’t they understand how much of a temptation it was to be here amongst all these artifacts and books? Her fingers itched with the desire to open one; to read up on new spells – research new techniques.

But she couldn’t risk it.

"It’s better to go cold turkey than have my friends end up *as* cold turkeys because of me." She muttered to herself. Abstaining from magic was one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life. She knew that if she couldn’t kick the habit now she would never be able to do it. At least, at this point in her life, she had friends that would help her. She flipped idly through the magazine in front of her, trying to ignore where she was entirely.

The red head looked up as the bells over the door of the Magic Box jingled. Her green eyes widened with surprise as the visitor came into view. She licked her lips, trying to shake off her surprise. "Wesley?"

Blinking a few times to adjust to the dim light of the room, Wesley smiled warmly at the woman he had traveled to speak with. "Miss Rosenberg – just the person I wanted to speak to."

Taken aback, Willow slid off of the stool and came around in front of the counter. "You wanted to talk to me?" She moved towards one of the small reading tables, pulling out two chairs. Gesturing for him to sit, she did likewise.

The former Watcher took the proffered chair, placing his small briefcase on the ground next to him. "Yes…I need your help, Willow."

Grinning, she shook her head. "Doubtful. You probably need Buffy’s help."

"I am quite sure that you are the one I have come to ask for assistance from." He corrected her. Reaching into the bag at his feet, the former Watcher pulled out the translation he had looked over only one night previously. He placed the sheets in front of her, watching as her face clouded over almost immediately.

"Oh…" She whispered. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. "I…I can’t Wesley." She shook her head, standing up and pacing away from the table. When she turned back, her arms were crossed. "I guess you guys didn’t hear what happened – I got addicted to dark magicks and almost got Dawn killed. I ’ve given it all up. No more magick for me. Not until I am sure of myself… If then."

"Y-You did?" His eyes closed in horror. That had to have been an awful situation for her to be in – for everyone around her to be in, for that matter. And Buffy’s sister had almost been killed? He shuddered at the thought. Stubbornly, though, he refused to let that stop his mission. He had faith in the woman sitting next to him, even if she had none in herself. "You’re not even going to ask what the spell is for…?" He prompted gently, opening his eyes to look at her with a soft smile. The back of his mind chided him that this wasn’t right – she was recovering from an addiction and here he was, tempting her. Another part of him was angry that the
self-centered brats that called themselves her friends hadn’t even sought help from Angel and him. They would have been able to help Willow from the beginning, ease her through her tough times. He would make that offer to her, as well, before he left.

Willow sighed and resumed her place at the table. She would hear him out. He had driven all this way to see her – she owed him that much, at least – if only for the sake of courtesy. "Ok. What is the spell for?" Wesley smiled reassuringly at her. "It will bind Angel’s soul to his body – permanently. No more happiness clause."

The red head felt as if the world had dropped out from under her. A way to anchor Angel’s soul? No more chance of Angelus ever coming into the world? The thought itself was like the sweetest of dreams. She had searched for a spell like this off and on ever since Angel had first lost his soul and, at one time, she would have jumped at the chance to do this. But now…now it was different. Magick was dangerous for her. ‘I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop if I start down that path again…’ She thought sadly. Her eyes roamed over the piece of paper Wesley had placed before her. She could almost see herself setting up the ritual, speaking the words.

And Angel deserved it – of that there was no doubt. She had always had a soft spot in her heart for the dark haired vampire. He was a true champion of everything right in the world and was generous to a fault. There was no doubt in her mind that if anyone deserved happiness it was him. "I can’t make any promises to you, Wesley," She began, slowly. "But I will at least think it over. I’ll let you know as soon as I make my decision."

Wesley nodded. At least she would consider his request - that was more than he had hoped for after she had so quickly replied in the negative at the first glimpse of the spell. "I’ll just leave that copy with you for you to review, then." He stood and gave her a smile. "You have the number for our offices?"

"Of course." Willow whispered, still looking at the spell in front of her. It would be so simple to just do it – bind Angel’s soul forever. But could she stop afterwards? Could she really risk going back to magick when it had been so hard to forsake it in the first place?

"Good, then – Angel doesn’t know anything about this, by the way. I didn’t want to get his hopes up if it all came to nothing." He could see the expressions as they flew across her face – sadness, fear, uncertainty – and a part of him hated to be the one who had brought them all to the surface. She was the only one he could trust with this, though. If she wouldn’t help…he didn’t know who else could. "Goodbye, Miss Rosenberg. Please visit us at the offices even if you decide not to help with the spell, perhaps we can help assist you with your recovery from magick?"

Willow hardly noticed as the dark haired man left the shop, barely heard the offer he made to her in regards to her addiction. Only in the back of her mind did she even hear the bell over the door tinkle as a customer entered the shop. She sighed, folding up the paper and slipping it into her pocket. She stood and smiled at the middle-aged woman puttering around the shop. Pushing her thoughts to the back of her mind she began to help the woman find the herbs she needed, knowing she would have to make a difficult decision in the near future.

~*~*~

The cool breeze that came in through the open window was almost unnaturally cool, certainly too chilly for the time of year. Willow opened her eyes, sat up in her bed and reached out to close it. She pulled the thin blanket that was covering her up to her chin as she laid back down. Only two days had passed since Wesley had came to visit her. In those two days she had done a lot of soul searching.

On one hand – Angel deserved this more than anything in the world. The freedom to love and find happiness would make him stronger, better able to fight the darkness of the world.

"Not to mention the fact that you’ve always loved him like a brother…" Willow whispered to herself. That had been the hardest part to bear – the thought of loving someone other than Tara. She consoled herself with the fact that she thought of him like an older brother, though a part of her argued that that wasn’t the exact truth either. During high school he had always been there for her – to talk and hang around with. The others didn’t know about their friendship. They wouldn’t have been able to handle it. After he had left for Los Angeles they had drifted apart. The weekly emails had become monthly – until finally neither of them had spoken in almost a year.

But that had never stopped the feelings she had for him. No matter how hard she had tried to push them aside, he was her friend and always would be. The warm spot she had for him in her heart cried out for her to help him – to give him happiness.

But – on the other hand, she couldn’t guarantee that the one taste of magick wouldn’t spiral her out of control again. She craved it, every day, like a drug. Going cold turkey had worked once – but she knew in her heart that she didn’t have the strength to do it again. Her friends would abandon her if she ‘fell off the wagon’ – they had been very clear in that regard. They probably would berate her if they knew she was even considering doing this spell, if not kick her out of their lives entirely. She hadn’t mentioned Wesley’s visit to any of them for fear of just that.

"I’m like a paroled prisoner," She murmured with half a smile. She rolled on her side, clutching a pillow to her chest. Her thoughts were consumed with Angel, her heart filled with a mixture of love and dread. Doing this for him would be the best thing she ever did, there was no doubt in her mind, but the risk of damning herself forever by going back to magick was too great.

"Goddess…what can I do?" Tears formed at the corners of her eyes, falling heavily to the pillow. She cried silently, wishing without hope that her small prayer would be answered.

And then it hit her.

Prayer.

Her eyes flew to the treatise she had been reading, written by a Wiccan around the turn of 19th century. It detailed the power of prayer and the miracles the Goddess had brought to life at the behest of her followers simply when they prayed to Her for help. There were no set rituals and it didn’t call for any use of magick. It was pure prayer and entreaty to the higher powers to help -something that had no chance of setting her back on the path of magick.

"That just might work…" Willow whispered. She grabbed the book from her nightstand, staring at the scrawling text in the dim light coming from her bedside light. In each of the stories of the Goddess stepping in to help there was one common theme – pure intent. "And I have that in abundance!" There was nothing for her to gain from this, in fact. It would be done with pure, self-less thought. She grinned, feeling lighter at heart than she had in days.

Her eyes roamed to the clock on her nightstand. The time read only a little past midnight. She would tell her friends in the morning that she was going away for a little while and then she would go somewhere where she could be alone and pray for Angel’s soul.

~*~*~

Willow turned the knob on the door and looked around the small motel room. It was the type of place her friends would never find her at – they would never even believe she knew about this type of place. They had been easily placated by the story she had contrived of visiting family out of town. The four hundred dollars she had placed on the rickety old counter in front of the motel manager had guaranteed that the room was hers for the next month.

She had that long to make this work.

The bed creaked with the weight of her duffel bag. It was a horrible noise, the type that would wake you up in the middle of the night just from rolling over. ‘I won’t be sleeping anyway – not if things go right.’ She sighed to herself, gently lowering her body into the sole chair in the room. Sinking into the worn red fabric, she closed her eyes – mentally steeling herself for what she was about to do. What she *had* to do.

Her green eyes opened slowly as an even deeper resolution set in to her. This could be dangerous, she knew. Not once in her entire experience with magick had she ever attempted to enter a trance this deep – to contact forces this powerful. She stood swiftly surveying the room. There was very little space, but it would have to do.

The sound of the bag’s zipper parting was like thunder in the quiet room. The silent red head lifted items from the canvas enclosure one by one, laying each on the bed. At the bottom was what she would need to begin – a small folding stool, the perfect size for an altar. Kneeling on the floor next to the bed she unfolded the item, remembering the one who had given it to her with fondness. No matter what had happened, Tara would always hold a special place in her heart.

The stool was quickly draped with a simple piece of white silk, the edges brushing the thin brown carpet of the room. Her fingers brushed over the material, savoring its crisp, cool softness. The simple act of setting up the altar became, in itself, a mystical experience – a holy journey through her memories – as she savored each item as if it would be the last time she touched them. The only item she didn’t place upon the altar, standard in all of her prior rituals, were the candles. With no idea how long she could be entranced it just wouldn’t be safe to leave them lit.

Standing, she stepped away from the altar and shed her clothes, tossing them into a corner. They would not be needed for this. The temperature of the room was warm enough to prevent a chill, though slightly warmer than she would have liked. "At least its not too cold," She whispered to herself, making her way back to the altar, "I hate being skyclad in cold air."

Bending to the altar, the young witch picked up her athame, the smooth wooden handle feeling unreal in her hand. Her eyes closed, then reopened - and the ritual began. Starting at the northern point, she slowly turned, envisioning a circle surrounding her and keeping her safe. If the room had been larger she would have walked the path – but it was not. When she reached the north again she laid the athame down, her mind now clear with purpose.

Turning slightly, so as to face the east, she intoned, "Attend me, oh Guardians of the East, bless me with the life stirring powers of air, hearken to my call." She shifted, facing the south, "Attend me, oh Guardians of the South, bless me with the purifying heat of Fire, hearken to my call." This time, to the west, she chanted, "Attend me, oh Guardians of the West, bless me with the holy waters of life." Finally, in the direction of the north, and her temporary altar, she asked, "Attend me, oh Guardians of the North, give me the blessings of the Mother, of the Earth – hearken to my call."

She felt, more than saw, the power snap into place, as her circle coalesced into a magickal reality – a barrier between herself and the outside world. Different from performing a spell, this was a simple consecration of space – something even the magickally ungifted could do. This was holy space, a place to perform rituals and to pray. And now was the time to pray. The red head sank to her knees slowly, folding her hands in the symbolic method of prayer. She closed her eyes, shaping her desire while clearing her mind of all stray thoughts.

‘Goddess, I stand before you, a humble servant, naked to the world….’ Her silent litany began, the words flowing in her mind like an endless river. Time itself ceased to have meaning to her, so deep was her trance. Though her muscles ached from the position, she did not move – her prayer never ceased.

The sun rose and set – rose and set again. And still she prayed. She prayed for the answer to one of the mysteries in her life. She prayed for a way to set things right – to prevent the demon she feared most from ever again walking the Earth. ‘Show me the way. Light my path as you light the world – whether in the brightness of the day or the ethereal glow of the night…’ Her heart, mind, and soul cried to the heavens in a plea so desperate, yet pure, that someone had to answer.

Yet another day passed before response came.

~*~*~

In the back of her mind Willow knew that she was harming herself. Not a single drop of food or water had she taken in nearly four days. Only in the deepest recess of her mind did she know the pain her body was in. None of that mattered, though.

And then she found herself outside of her body and the room was gone. It seemed that the heavens themselves were around her, the stars surrounding her in a sea of infinite blackness. She watched as a star directly ahead of her began to grow, glowing until the light was unbearable. When it had faded, and she could again see what was before her, she gasped in wonder. There was no doubt in her mind who and what stood before her – though she had never had a Visitation before. Tears of adoration sprang to her ghostly eyes and she blinked. The figure remained before her, though.

"My child."

Even in her insubstantial form, Willow felt her knees give way. Her spirit self now mirrored her physical self in its kneeling position. "Goddess…"

The woman tilted her head, her eyes kind. "You have prayed many days now, my Willow. I have heard, listened, but I want to hear it from your own mouth. What is it that you seek so diligently? Why have you whispered your entreaties to the heavens for so long?"

The red head licked her lips, the gesture habit yet entirely unnecessary in her current form. "I need to know how to secure Angel’s soul. I want him to be happy."

Willow’s Goddess nodded. "He is the Warrior for Us – for the mortals in the city He calls home. He has never asked Us for this, you know." She gazed thoughtfully at the woman, little more than a child that still kneeled before her. "He does not know you ask this for Him. He would not wish you to do so – you are aware of this."

The young witch nodded. "But he gives of himself. He does not ask for this and he would not ask me to do it, I know – but he deserves happiness. That can’t happen though – not unless his soul is secure. I would not ever want to see Angelus walk the Earth again, Mother." She bowed her head in reverence.

"And what of his demon?" The Goddess murmured. "Why not simply have me remove that from him? Make him a mortal man – is that not the better means to this end?"

Willow pondered the question for a long moment, her eyes set firmly on her own clasped hands. Finally, she looked up. "No. Becoming human would end his chance for Redemption – the very thing he continues to fight for. He needs that. There’s no reason for him to spend the next however many years being alone and sad, though – is there?"

Time passed slowly as the red head waited for her Goddess to speak again. She felt a lump of fear rise in her throat. ‘Did I say something wrong? Did I misspeak?’

"Calm yourself, child." The Goddess laughed softly, the unspoken questions in her worshipper’s thoughts clear as day to Her. "I can give you what you seek…but there is a price to be paid."

"Really?" Willow brightened, her eyes lighting up with joy. "I’ll pay the price – gladly. Just tell me what to do."

"You speak rashly." All playing was gone from the Goddess’ eyes and she stood up straighter. "Do you know what you ask? Would you forsake all others, my child? Be bound to Him and to Him only? To hold this secret in your heart until the end of time – or until He realizes what you have sacrificed for him? To know no love unless He sees fit to love you. Would you truly give this of yourself?"

"Yes." Willow breathed. There were worse things than giving up her own happiness to allow Angel to have his, she reasoned in her heart. The world needed him and his happiness would only allow him to be a better Warrior for the Powers that Be. Her own happiness was trivial.

"Then have your wish and know the costs of it – to be weighed out over however many lifetimes it takes the Warrior to find His Redemption. You will live as humans live yet know not the toils of age and pain. You will know His sorrows and His pain – though He may be oblivious to your own. You are His Companion, his Confidant, his Eternal Friend – and this may be all that comes to pass. You will not find true love unless He gives it to you. This part is up to the two of you, however. To speak of this night or to stray from any of these admonitions is to risk not only your immortal soul – but His as well. You may say only that His soul is bound – but not the when or the how." Her eyes softened for a moment. "Are you sure this is what you wish? Life will be difficult. You may never know love again, Willow. Is His soul worth this price?"

Exhaling a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, Willow met the eyes of her Goddess. "Yes."

The Goddess raised her hand, one elegant finger pointing directly at Willow’s heart. "You have chosen. May you never regret it."

~*~*~

Willow came back to herself suddenly, the pain in her chest so intense that she opened her mouth to scream – and found she didn’t have the ability to. Aching muscles gave out, her body collapsing to one side as she sobbed in silent agony. Then, as quickly as it came, the pain was gone. She sat up slowly, gingerly, her cramped muscles screaming for a warm bath even as her stomach demanded food.

Standing hesitantly, the witch turned slowly, murmuring the words to thank the Guardians she had originally called. As she picked up her athame and quietly turned counter-clockwise, she felt the energies of the circle dissolve.

‘It worked.’ She thought; her excitement dampened only by the pain she was feeling. She knew Angel must have felt something, too – and only the realization that he needed to be told about his soul spurred her to keep moving.

"I’ve got to tell Angel…" She whispered. A sharp pain in her stomach reminded her how long it had been since she had eaten. "Right after I eat."

~*~*~

Angel doubled over in pain, his chest burning from the inside, the pressure so great he thought he would burst. He screamed, falling to his knees in the center of the lobby, drawing worried exclamations from his staff. It was over in less than a minute, leaving the vampire shaking and scared. Whatever had happened had felt so keenly similar to the night he lost his soul that he was worried for a split second that he had somehow lost it again.

"No…still there." He murmured to himself, slowly rising to his feet. Whatever had happened seemed to be over for the moment.

"A…Angel?" Cordelia asked hesitantly, taking small steps towards the vampire. "Are you okay?" She searched his face for any sign of what had happened to him – and found nothing.

"I think so…" He said hesitantly, giving her a small smile. Standing up straight, he dropped his hand from where it had been clutching his chest. "The pain’s gone now." His brow wrinkled between his eyes; worry being replaced with curiosity.

"I wonder what could have caused it." Wesley murmured.

"Prophecy?" Cordelia suggested.

"Heartburn from a bad pint of blood?" Gunn quipped, trying to cover his own worry with a joke.

Wesley rolled his eyes, the tolerance he had once felt for Gunn’s antics no longer quite as strong. "What did it feel like? I’ll do some research."

Angel shrugged. "To be honest – it was the same pain I felt the night I lost my soul. Wait…wait!" He groaned, as all humans in the room scattered as far from him as possible. "C’mon guys! I haven’t lost it again – I just said it felt the same!" He watched as they slowly began to regroup, still a few feet further away than they had been in the beginning. "It was like my chest was on fire and there was pressure – like I was about to explode."

Nodding to himself, Wesley made notes quietly, his mind already a mile away and further ahead. Had Willow done the spell? Was Angel’s soul anchored? Would she really have done it without telling him first? He tapped the pen against the paper, unaware that all eyes in the room were on him. Finally he looked up, smiling to cover his own confusion. "Great. I’ll go look through some sources and see what I can find."

With quick strides the ex-watcher wandered back into his office. He had his address book open before he had even sat down, his eyes scanning for the number he needed. Grabbing the phone, Wesley dialed the number for the Summers’ household. "Dawn? Is Willow there? Its Wesley." He listened for a moment to the teenage girl ramble on about Willow’s whereabouts. "She’s not there?" He asked for clarity, unable to sort through the jumble of information she had spurted off in a matter of a few seconds. "Went to visit family? Ok. Thank you, Dawn. Goodbye."

The dark haired man pressed the button to disconnect the line and waited for a dial tone. His eyes scanned the address book in front of him, finally finding the number he had gained on his recent trip to Sunnydale – Willow’s cell phone. "Hi! This is Willow’s cell phone – leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!"

The sound of her voicemail picking up before the phone rang a single time troubled Wesley more than anything. Why would she turn off her cell phone? Why had she left, suddenly it seemed, to visit relations in another city when, as far as he knew, Willow couldn’t stand her family? It seemed too much of a coincidence that she was unreachable at the very same time Angel had experienced the pains.

Sighing, the ex-watcher picked up a copy of the spell he had given Willow, searching for any sign to give him certainty that his theory was correct - the mystery of what had happened to Angel slowly beginning to widen to include the apparent disappearance of one red haired witch from Sunnydale.

~*~

Angel stared down into the crib where his son was sleeping. He had seen so many wondrous things throughout his lifetime – but nothing as beautiful as the infant lying before him. It never seemed enough to thank God for Connor, yet he did so every night, offering up a myriad of thanks for the one good thing that had ever happened to him. The mysterious pains he had felt earlier this evening had worried him deeply. Was something wrong with him? Would he get to see his son grow up? Angel could tell that something had changed – but what exactly that was he couldn’t put his finger on. He forced a sigh of air through his dead lungs, more out of habit than any real need to do so. His finger traced the outline of his son’s face, and Angel found himself smiling softly.

This was the largest reason he needed to figure out what had happened to him. He couldn’t bear the thought of something being wrong and leaving Connor all alone in the world. Higher reasoning gave him the small reassurance that he was sure Cordelia, Wesley and the others would take care of Connor if anything were to ever happen to him.

But he didn’t want them to ever be put in that role.

‘I sound like a real human parent.’ He laughed silently. ‘Worrying about the future of my child. Wondering if I will be there to see him grow up, get married, and start a family of his own.’ It was wondrous, the connection he felt with this small baby. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced in his entire existence. That worried him, though. The joy that Connor brought to him was pure heaven. Surely one of these days he was bound to have a ‘true moment of happiness’ and lose his soul again. What would happen then?

He brushed a strand of hair off of the baby’s forehead, mulling over the problem that had plagued him ever since he had learned about the true ‘curse’ aspect of his curse. There had to be a way to make it so that his soul couldn’t take flight the first time he experienced true happiness. It was something he would have to have Wesley check into. He knew the former Watcher had looked for the right spell on and off for years, but there was no time like the present to step up the research.

‘In between trying to figure out what happened to me tonight,’ the vampire smirked, feeling lucky to have someone as devoted as Wesley working for him. Stepping quietly away from the crib, Angel made his way to his own bed. He shed his clothes, slipping on a pair of loose fitting sweats, and climbed under the thin blankets. His mind whirled at a thousand miles a minute, analyzing each and every sensation he had felt earlier that evening.

The pain had been nearly unbearable – a hot pressure that seemed to come from the outside and work its way into every fiber of his being. It had been as though something enormous had been shoved inside his skin and then compressed inside his heart. He hadn’t been lying when he said it was similar to the pain he had felt the night he lost his soul. The only difference was that this had felt like he was being given something, and the other had felt like something was being taken away. ‘I hope its not another Wolfram and Hart plot to make me lose my soul.’ He sighed mentally. ‘I’m getting sort of sick of that.’

He yawned, the events of the day finally too much. Tomorrow would be here soon enough and he could start working on figuring out what had happened.

~*~*~

Standing outside the doors of the Hyperion, Willow allowed herself a moment to think of what had occurred early that evening. She had bound herself to her friend, for all of eternity it seemed, to secure his soul. She had given up her own happiness, her own chance at love, in exchange for this one miracle. The happiness she felt at being the one to bring the news overshadowed any second thoughts or regrets she may have had. "Too late to regret it anyhow…" She murmured to herself, her hand reaching for the door.

Only to pull it back a moment later.

What was she going to say to Angel? "Oh, by the way Angel, I drove here in the middle of the night to tell you I secured your soul. No…I can’t tell you how. Just trust me that its permanent. By the way…can I stay here and be your moral support?" Her face wrinkled up as she realized how bad it was going to sound. There was so little she would be able to tell him. He was going to have to take her word on blind faith alone. Hopefully he wouldn’t ask too many uncomfortable questions. That would just make things harder. Her tired eyes clouded with tears as she raised her face towards the heavens. "Just let him accept it for now…please?" She realized she had little right to plea for something so petty when she had just been granted nothing short of a miracle from the Powers that Be.

But it was worth trying.

Pushing on the door handle, she walked quietly into the hotel lobby. Her eyes glanced around, curious, as she viewed the place her friends worked in for the first time. ‘This place must really have been something during its time.’ In her tired state she could almost see the illusions of days gone by, people walking through the lobby, talking and laughing. As the illusions walked through her mind she realized how tired and delusional she truly was and shook her head, hoping to be able to rest soon.

The red head looked towards one of the open doorways, pleasantly surprised to see Wesley sitting behind a desk, engrossed in the book in front of him. "Hey Wesley…" Her soft voice carried far in the empty lobby.

Wesley looked up, his eyes widening. Recognizing the voice at once and connecting it with the red head he could barely see through his open doorway. "Willow?" Standing, the dark haired man made his way out to the lobby, surprised and relieved to see the red head standing there. At least the mystery of where she had disappeared to was solved. That was one last thing to worry about. He took a long look at her, startled at what he saw. There were dark circles under her eyes and she looked like she had been through Hell. "Are you alright?"

The young woman tilted her head to the side, as if considering the question. "I’m okay, I guess. Angel asleep?" Only once she had been dressed and had eaten something to settle her aching stomach had she decided that telling Angel about his soul over the phone might not be the best idea. This was the sort of news a friend should give in person. She had packed up her things at the hotel, checked out, and driven the hours it took to reach LA.

"Y-Yes…I would imagine so. Its rather late, you know." He stammered out. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was holding something back.
Something important to tell him maybe? Like the anchoring of Angel’s soul now and forever?

Her eyes looked around the lobby of the hotel, taking it all in for the first time. It was truly a beautiful building, though she was sure it had been even more so during the days the hotel had been open. She blinked, her focus on the world rapidly diminishing. She took an unconscious step forward; trying to steady the dizziness she was feeling. "Ah…I guess it is…" She murmured. Her mouth felt dry and the room was suddenly too hot. Maybe she should have taken some time to rest.

"Willow?" Wesley watched, worried, as the red head appeared to sway on her feet. "Would you like to sit do-?" His words were cut off as she stepped one last time, as if trying to center herself, before falling backwards. Without a thought he grabbed at her, catching her arm in time to stop her rapid decent to the floor. Her lower body still hit the hard floor but his grip on her arm kept her from hitting her head.

Letting her gently slide the rest of the way to the floor, the ex-Watcher felt for her pulse, his eyes watching the seconds tick by on his watch as the steady pulsing beneath his fingers continued along the normal lines. He nodded, satisfied by the strong, steady rhythm. Her light breathing filled the air, as though she had done nothing more than fallen asleep. He looked again at the tired lines of her face, the bags beneath her eyes, and decided that there was no reason to worry. She appeared to be nothing more than physically exhausted.

"So I shall just have to wake Angel up and have him help me get her to a bed…" He sighed. The mystery of what had happened to Willow had resurfaced and the only one with the key to it was laying on the floor sleeping.

~*~*~

Willow opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling above her with confusion. ‘Where am I… How did I get here… Why… ‘ Her thoughts raced on as she tried to recall how she had ended up in this odd room. Nothing came to her immediately. She shifted, feeling the smooth sheets beneath her body, and gasped. Satin sheets? And whose t-shirt was this? Her heart accelerated, feeling tight in her chest as she tried to remember what had happened. Had she relapsed and gone back to dark magick? Was she in some dealer’s bed? Tears sprang to her eyes, her mind too tired to provide even the smallest glimpse of what had happened to her. Nothing about the room looked familiar to her. The little she could see from position provided no clues to the room’s owner.

"Willow?"

The young woman’s head jerked to the side, her green eyes widening with surprise at the man standing in the doorway of the room. She struggled to sit up, discovering after a brief moment that she didn’t have the strength. "Angel?" Relief fought with confusion. "Where…. How… ?" She sighed, unable to even phrase the questions she needed to ask.

"That’s what we’re wondering." He gave her a smile, sitting down in a chair next to his bed. "You showed up late last night and practically fell into Wes’s arms. We put you to bed and you’ve slept ever since. Cordelia put one of my shirts on you when she got in this morning" He fought to keep his face from looking as worried as he felt. Wesley had told him, however briefly, of Willow’s addiction to dark magicks. It had come as a shock to find that the former watcher had maintained any type of contact with anyone in Sunnydale and it had come as even a bigger shock to learn that Willow had fallen prey to something so insidious. In his heart, the vampire was worried that Willow had collapsed because of a relapse.

The red head shut her eyes tight, her brow furrowed in concentration. Glimpses of the night before came then, like fragments. She was here to tell Angel…something.

And then it hit her.

His soul. Prayer. Goddess. Bond. Eternity. Forsake.

She gasped, finding enough strength in her urgency to sit up. "I came to…tell you something."

"If you need help all you have to do is ask, Willow." Angel implored her, believing he knew what was on her mind. Wesley had offered to help her get through the addiction and so she had come to them at her lowest moment.

"Huh?" Willow leaned back on the pillows, resting her head against the back of the bed. In the back of her mind she realized that this must be Angel’s bed – his satin sheets. She blushed inwardly, hoping the gesture didn’t make it to her face. "Wh—What are you talking about….?"

"Your addiction. Wesley told me."

Willow groaned. "He did, did he?" She sighed, shutting her eyes again. Her body and mind were still exhausted, drained to the point that she couldn’t really function. She needed to get some more sleep. ‘But… somewhere other than in Angel’s bed…’

"Yes. He did. And I want you to know we’re here for you." The vampire reached out to pat her hand in reassurance.

And then she laughed.

She knew in her heart that this wasn’t the time for laughter – but it was too much. Here she was to tell him that his soul was permanent and he thought she was here for a help. She shook her head at the confusion on his face, breaking into fresh laughter. "S…Sorry." She gasped finally. "Its just – that’s not why I’m here at all."

The dark haired vampire sat back, confused. "It’s not?"

"No, it’s not." She took a deep breath, mentally bracing herself as best as she could for what was to come.

"It’s about your soul…"

~*~*~

Angel shut the door to Willow’s room behind him, stopping for one moment in the middle of the hallway to ponder everything that the now-sleeping red head had told him. His soul was permanent? Could it possibly be true?

It had taken Willow at least ten minutes to just work up the nerve to tell him what she had done after her initial shocking statement indicating she had something to tell him about his soul. Once she started talking, though, it was hard to stop her. From what he had managed to put together, she had found some arcane way to permanently anchor his soul to his body. She had been very quick to point out that it wasn’t a spell, but had refused to tell him exactly how it had been done.

‘At least it explained that pain I felt the other night.’

Walking slowly through the hallway, past Lorne’s room, and into Connor’s nursery, Angel continued to ponder it all. Sure, there had been pain and Willow had admitted to trying to anchor his soul. But did that really mean that it had been done right? That he could seek true happiness without fear of loosing a demon on the world again?

"What do you think, little one?" Angel smiled down at his son, forming the question that was on his mind. "Am I safe? Is it permanent?"

"I’d say so, sweets."

The vampire turned, raising an eyebrow at Lorne. Skepticism warred with the hope. "You can tell? Just like that?"

The green demon nodded, staring at Angel with wonder. "Its as plain as can be if one knows what to look for." He shrugged. "So when did this happen, big guy? And how?"

"Last night – while you were out. As to the how…I don’t know. She did it." He gestured in the general direction of the guest room where Willow was sleeping, elation sweeping through him. "But she won’t tell me how." It was true, then. His soul was permanent – as in forever and always. As in he could get happy all he wanted and there was no chance that Angelus would ever show his true colors again. If his heart had been beating it would have certainly burst.

"That sweet little thing in the other room?" Lorne asked in disbelief. How could such a fragile looking child have accomplished such a large task? He stepped closer to Angel, looking down at the baby sleeping in the crib. "I can feel her pain from a mile away, though I don’t know what her problems are. Perhaps you can persuade her to serenade me one night so I can help her?" He let the offer hang in the air.

"That’s up to Willow. She was never the type to push her problems onto someone else – she’s very quiet, very shy. Very reserved. She’s the one I have to thank for restoring my soul after the clause took it last time… and now…"

"Now she’s given it to you forever." Lorne smiled softly, pulling Connor’s blanket up to cover more of the infant’s body. "If she’s such a great friend that she would do this for you – why haven’t you mentioned her before."

Guilt gripped Angel. "I lost touch with her. Stopped writing because things got too crazy around here. I didn’t have time and I didn’t want her to worry. Then, when things calmed down, so much time had gone by that I didn’t know how she would take it if I just started emailing and calling her again. I didn’t want to intrude on the life she had made."

"Well." Lorne murmured. "Its obvious she never forgot about *you*. Only a true friend would even think of doing something like this for you, Sugar Muffin. I hope you don’t ‘loose touch’ with her again." His meaning was clear – don’t cast aside someone as rare and special as Willow.

It was something Angel could agree with him on. "I don’t plan to. I’m going to see if she wants to stay here for a while, work on upgrading our computer system. Things haven’t been too good for her back in Sunnydale – maybe she would like that kind of ‘vacation’?"

‘And maybe I can get her to open up and let me read her.’ Lorne thought, keeping the idea to himself. The longer she stayed, the more likely it was that he could figure out where her pain was coming from and help her fix it. What she had done for Angel, and the way the vampire spoke of her so caringly, told him all he needed to know about her worthiness for help. She only needed to be willing. "You going to tell the others?"

The vampire smiled, thinking of his staff waiting downstairs. "Yeah – I think I might go do that right now." He could only imagine the relief Gunn, Cordelia, and Wesley would all experience when they heard the news.

~*~*~

**** Hey Xan,

How’re things in Sunnydale? Good, I hope. Still keeping Buffy and Dawn out
of trouble? Has Buffy admitted to sleeping with Spike yet? Does she even
know we know? I doubt it, she’s sort of oblivious about things like that
sometimes.

Anyway… I have something to tell you. Please think before you react – and
know that I would never do something without a good reason. Trust me like
you did when we were little. I haven’t changed that much, you need to
realize that.

I’m telling you this in writing because, to be honest, I couldn’t figure out
how I would get the courage to tell you to your face or on the phone. I’m
hoping you don’t get angry – but if you do, I want you to take some time and
cool off before you call me. Please don’t be mad at me, Xan. I need support
now more than ever.

Okay…enough build up. Are you ready? Sitting down? Here we go…

I anchored Angel’s soul.

That’s right – you read correctly – his soul is now a permanent fixture in
his life. No more worrying that he’ll get a happy and we’ll have to deal
with the King of Mean again. It can’t ever happen again. I know what you’re
thinking and, no, I didn’t use magick. I know you probably won’t believe me,
but this is where I need your trust and support. I. Did. Not. Use. Magick.
Be proud of me – I found a completely magick-free way to do something
so….big.

I know you and Angel never got along very well, but he was always my friend,
so try to see why I had to do this. He deserves to be happy. Just like you
do and Buffy does… And even Spike, I guess. (Though why Buffy and Spike have
to sleep together to be happy, I don’t know.) So – just like all of us – he
now has his very own shot at finding someone to make him happy.

Still love me Xan? Am I still your best friend? I hope so. You’re still
mine.

Anyway – I’m going to be staying here in LA for a while. Its easier to deal
with my addiction if I’m not forced to be around magick every single day,
like I am living in Sunnydale. Angel offered me a job upgrading their
computer system and a place to stay. I’m going to take him up on it. Maybe
by the time I’m done with that I’ll be back to my old self.

Please let the others know where I am when you think they are ready to hear
it. Try not to be too angry with me. My number and address are below if you
need anything. I’ll always be there for you, Xan.

Love,

Willow ~ *****

~*~

Willow scribbled her address and phone number at the end of the letter and placed her pen on the desk. She sighed, reading over what she had written one more time. What would Xander think when he read it? Would he trust her and understand?

‘I hope so.’ With trembling hands she folded the letter, placing it into the envelope and sealing it before she could lose her nerve. She licked a single stamp, and affixed it to the white rectangle and then stood up. Angel had said he would drop it in a mailbox for her when she was done. He hadn’t once questioned her reasons for wanting to tell her friends by mail. Leaving the envelope on his desk, she walked out of the room and into the hallway, finally making her way to the staircase.

From the top of the stairs she could see everyone working hard, researching something for Cordelia’s latest vision. Wesley was in his office and she breathed a sigh of relief. She had only been there for two days and already his questions were becoming unbearable. How long would she really be able to stall him about how she had anchored Angel’s soul. Her gaze wandered to the dark haired vampire and a smile came to her lips. It was unbelievable how sweet and kind he had been to her since her arrival. They had already spent hours talking, catching up on everything that had happened since they last spoke. It was like old times and it felt good. He didn’t judge her harshly for getting addicted to magick, either. Instead, he offered to be her support – her personal addiction counselor if she needed it. For once in her life she felt as though she had done something right, something to be proud of.

She watched as Angel laughed at something Gunn said and her stomach did a small flip. Did he have any idea how handsome he was. ‘Bad Willow!’ She chided herself. ‘The two of you are just starting to rekindle your friendship and already you are lusting after him.’ She sighed, knowing that this was her own curse, to love him for all of eternity, with only the barest hope that he would ever return the feelings for her. Certainly her goddess had knew this when she made the bargain. ‘You agreed to it, Willow.’ She reminded herself silently. ‘Besides, its obvious he cares about me as a good friend, now I just have to hope he sees me as more one day.’ Clinging to that optimism she made her way down the stairs, ready to begin her new job.

~*~*~

"Ugh." Willow moaned, pushing her chair back from the computer in front of her and rubbing at her eyes. She sighed, glancing at the clock. Almost four hours had passed since she had started working on the current problem with Angel Investigation’s computer system – and still no luck in narrowing down the best solution.

"Problem?"

The young hacker turned to Angel, giving him a wry smile. "Nothing I can’t handle once I make up my mind. There are three possible solutions and I just can’t decide which one would be best for you in the long run."

"Ah…" He nodded. There was no need to ask her to elaborate further on the ‘problem’ or the ‘solutions’. As he had learned over the past week and half, it would make little to no sense to him even if he asked. ‘Though she is adorable when she starts talking about something she’s familiar with.’ He thought back to the second day she had came to work for him. Over the course of two hours she had tried her best to educate the vampire on computers and how to best utilize them in his business. The conversation had eventually ended with both of them laughing and Angel agreeing that it would probably be best if she made all the decisions about that type of thing.

Even without such an opportune subject, the vampire had still found reasons to talk to her on a daily basis, rekindling the friendship he had thought gone. They talked for hours on some nights, about everything that had happened since they lost touch. Talking with her was easy – it always had been, and now it just felt ‘right’.

"Have you taken any breaks? Eaten dinner yet?"

"Um… No dinner. I think I might have skipped lunch too." She laughed. "It’s the ultimate weight-loss program."

"As if you need to lose any weight." He chuckled. "Grab your jacket and lets go get something to eat. You could use a break. Maybe everything will seem fresher after that."

She nodded, giving him a grin. "Sounds great. Gimme a sec to run upstairs and make myself presentable?" She waited for his asset before jumping up, taking the stairs two at a time. This was the second time in one week that he had taken her out for dinner and her heart jumped at the opportunity for more ‘date-like’ alone time with him. Even though it wasn’t formally an actual ‘date’, it gave her the hope that one day there might be something more between them. In the past few days their conversations with each other had gotten down to deeper levels, each of them revealing things about their past they had never shared before, not even at the height of their former friendship.

‘Maybe I’m not destined for a lifetime alone.’ She smiled, running a brush through her hair and applying the small amount of makeup she normally wore before grabbing her jacket.

~*~*~

"You actually enjoyed that movie?" Willow asked in shock, casting a disbelieving look at the vampire walking next to her. It had been more than a pleasant surprise when Angel had offered to take her to a movie after dinner – even if the movie had been one of the worst she had seen in her entire life. "It was awful!"

"It wasn’t *that* bad." Angel laughed, grinning. The movie hadn’t been the best, he would concede at least that much. But it had its strong points – action and violence. The scarier scenes making Willow jump and clutch at his arm, which was completely fine with him. ‘Stop thinking like that.’ He chided himself. ‘She is your friend. Nothing more. She couldn’t possibly want more than that and you don’t deserve anything more than that. She is too wonderful and special and will make a human man very happy one day.’

"No, really,’ the red head joked. "It was that bad." She sighed as they turned down the street leading to the hotel, the building already looming close. It was a shame that the night had to end. Everything had been so perfect, so magical. She wondered if he even realized he had put his arm around her shoulders for most of the movie – or if he had done it simply to get more comfortable. Either way, she didn’t care. It had been joyous.

"Tired?" Angel asked, noticing her yawn out of the corner of his eye.

"A little. I think I’ll stay up and watch some TV and then get some rest. Tackle that problem with your database tomorrow."

"Mind if I join you?"

"With the database problem, sleeping, TV or all three?" She laughed, reaching out to squeeze his arm affectionately.

"Well your bed is too small for both of us and I know nothing about computers…so I think I’ll just join you for the TV part of it."

Willow blushed at the mention of her bed and the thought of the two of them in it, together. She managed to smile and choke out her agreement.

"After you, my lady." The vampire swung open the door of the hotel, gesturing for Willow to go first. "Meet you for some TV and talking in fifteen minutes...?" His voice trailed off as they both noticed who was sitting in the lobby, apparently waiting for them to return.

"Angel." Buffy smiled thinly, not liking the closeness that was apparent between Willow and the vampire. "I was starting to think you weren’t coming back tonight. Can we talk?" She cast a significant glance towards the red head before meeting his eyes, making it clear she only wanted to speak to him.

"Actually I was going to…"

"Go ahead, Angel." Willow murmured, her chest tightening. There was only one thing Buffy could be here to talk to Angel about. Xander had probably received her letter a day or two before, it would have taken him that long to tell Buffy about it all. And now here she was, wanting to ‘talk’ to Angel. ‘I should have known she’d come running to him the second she found out.’ Her heart was breaking even as she said aloud. "We can always watch TV some other night." She gave him a smile and walked towards the stairs, refusing to meet Buffy’s eyes. Behind her she could hear Buffy asking if there was somewhere more comfortable for them to sit and talk.

Tears stung the red head’s eyes as she walked, dead-like to her room, unnoticing of Lorne, standing quietly in the doorway of Connor’s nursery. She didn’t notice the look of pity on his face. Nor would she have cared. In one moment she had watched as all of her hopes and dreams for the future were snatched out from under her like a rug.

‘Don’t assume that,’ She berated herself, even as tears continued to pour down her face. ‘There’s no guarantee that she’s here to win him back. Or…even if she is, no guarantee he’ll want her back.’ It was no use, though. Nothing she could say or think to herself could make her believe that her hopes hadn’t been shattered. Crawling into bed, she turned off the light on her nightstand, staring up at the ceiling through the darkness. Not even now, when the chances of her finding happiness with Angel were so slim, did she regret her decision. ‘I’ll always have him as a friend, at least.’

Rolling to her side, the young woman sought to find solace in that, clinging to it like a lifeline.

~*~*~

"So.we decided to give things another shot." Angel shrugged, sipping from the mug of blood in his hand. He gave the red head in front of him a small smile. "She seemed to really like Connor.thought I don't think she was too thrilled when I told her how I ended up with him."

"That's.nice, Angel." Willow managed to say, the smile on her face utterly fake. How could he be standing there in front of her, telling her that he and Buffy had decided to try again? Didn't he realize how much he meant to *her*? Didn't he know he was her only chance at love? She gave herself a mental shake. There was no way for him to know what he meant to her because she had never told him. There was no way for him to know he was her only chance at love because she *couldn't* tell him.

But her heart still ached.

"I'm glad for you Angel." She hoped he couldn't see through the smile to the tears falling in her heart and soul.

"That's good, Wills." He reached out and hugged her, wishing he could feel as confident as his friend obviously felt. There was no doubt that a second chance at true love and happiness was a blessing. But was Buffy still the person he had loved so long ago? Was he still the man she had fell in love with? Somehow he doubted it on either count - but if they didn't try they would never know. The blonde had agreed to come back the following night, Friday, for a 'getting to know you again' type date. If things went well from there. "And I have you to thank for all of this." He looked down, realizing he had been hugging her the entire time. "You're definitely the best friend I've ever had, Willow. I hope you know how special you are to me." He kissed her forehead lightly, and backed away. "I'm gonna get back to my cases. We'll talk later?"

"Sure." Willow sighed, turning her back to him so he wouldn't see her face. Tears spilled from her eyes and down her cheeks. "You were stupid, Rosenberg." She whispered to herself, hearing the door to Angel's office close. "How could you ever hope to have anything with someone as wonderful as him?" She sat down at the table, looking back at the book she had been reading when Angel had interrupted her to tell her the 'good news'. The words on the page seemed to blur together, becoming meaningless under the weight of her own sadness.

"Willow?"

The young woman's head jerked up, startled to see Cordelia standing there. "What's wrong, honey?" The former cheerleader dropped the bag she had been
holding onto the table, sitting in front of the red head.

"Nothing.really, its nothing.." Willow whispered, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand. "I'm just having a bad day." She glanced at the door to Angel's office without thinking, a sigh escaping her lips.

"Did. Did Angel do something?" The brunette sat back, confused. She couldn't imagine her boss hurting the woman sitting there. The friendship between the two of them was envious, even.

"No." Willow said quickly. She saw the disbelief in Cordelia's eyes. "Well - not intentionally, anyway. You know how he is - good news to him may be a world
shattering event for others." She rolled her eyes, hoping that Cordelia would just let it go.

"What good news?"

"He and Buffy are giving things another shot."

"What? Is he an idiot? Did he forget the whole 'she's a vampire Slayer' and 'he's a vampire' thing? I mean.c'mon." Her voice trailed off as she remembered the reason the two of them were having this conversation in the first place. "You like Angel. in more than a friends way." She watched the other girl nod and sighed. "To tell you the truth, I really thought the two of you were going to hit it off and take that soul of his for a test drive one of these days. I mean. The way he looked at you sometimes."

Willow laughed once, the sound bitter. "Whatever he *may* have felt for me is nothing compared to the love he has for Buffy." She turned imploring green eyes to her friend, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. "Please - don't tell him. It's hard enough without him knowing. I wouldn't be able to take the pity."

Cordelia bit her lip. This really was something she was sure Angel would want to know. It hadn't been a lie when she had told Willow that the dark haired vampire seemed as though he had been falling for her. But what good would it do now? Buffy and Angel were an inseparable pair when the odds were working for them. She gave Willow a small, sad smile finally. "Ok. I promise. But you're going to let me take you out tomorrow night for a little fun, ok? No - I won't take no for an answer. Me and you - clubbing - tomorrow. Dress to impress."

Left with no choice but to agree, Willow couldn't help but give Cordelia a smile. There was no doubt in her heart that the brunette had the right intentions. She would humor her and go out even though she didn't feel like it. "K, Cordy. We'll go dancing tomorrow night."

"And drinking." Cordelia smirked. "Don't forget the drinking."

"How could I forget?" Willow asked lightly. "It'll be the only thing that gets me on the dance floor."

~*~*~

The five shot glasses on the bar were a testament to not only Willow's pain, but her ability to do what her friends least expected. Cordelia looked on in sadness as the petite red head slammed back another shot of tequila as if it didn't even affect her. She would never have imagined that the quiet little hacker could drink so much or with such intensity and still be able to keep her balance on the narrow bar stool. The red head's green eyes were glazed and filled with longing and despair. By now Buffy and Angel would be out on their date, something she was sure Willow was only too well aware of. It had taken a monumental amount of will on her part to not disclose to Angel Willow's feelings for him. Only her promise to the other woman had kept her from leaking the information. She didn't want to betray the poor thing when it was so obvious she was going to need someone to trust to get her through everything.

"Now that's what I like - a woman that can drink."

Cordelia arched an eyebrow at the man that had come up behind Willow, fully expecting the red head to give him the same brush off she'd given every other man that night. He couldn't have been more than eighteen, and somehow she doubted even that. The clothes he was wearing looked like they had come straight out of a bad rap video, and the brunette knew he was the last thing Willow needed in her life. So she was shocked when Willow grinned.

"Really? You like that?" Willow asked, turning to smile at the man. Through her drunken stupor she could almost imagine that he was Angel, standing there waiting for her to dance with him. She held out her hand to him, her eyes darting to the dance floor and then back to his face. "Dance with me?"

"Sure thing, sweets."

Cordelia watched in horror as Willow left with the sleazy looking man, the two of them entering the dance floor at the start of a slow dance. She groaned, knowing from the sexy way Willow was grinding against her partner that she was way too drunk to know what she was doing. Hopefully the song would end and Willow would come back before things went too far.

~*~

Willow wrapped her arms around the lower back of the man in front of her, pulling him flush against her body. The music seemed impossibly loud to her dulled senses and she began to sway to the beat, grinding against him with every thud of the bass. All she had to do was close her eyes and she could almost believe that she was there with Angel. That the only man she could ever love wasn't off somewhere with *his* true love. Even as the man's hands came to rest on the curve of her butt she could still picture him as her Angel, her joy.

'But he's not.' Logic persisted, snapping her out of her drunken dreams. 'Angel is off with Buffy, catching up on all the time they've missed out on. And you? You're here doing a dance to rival what Buffy did with Xander back in high school. You're acting like a slut and why? Because you can't have the one thing you really want.'

She pulled away from the man, suddenly ashamed by her actions. "I'm not feeling too well." She mumbled by way of explanation, rushing away from him and back to
where Cordelia still sat. The worried look on her friend's face told her all she needed to know and the red head began to cry, tilting her face down so that no one would see the tears.

"C'mon, Wills." Cordelia murmured. She wrapped an arm around Willow's shoulders, guiding the red head towards the door. "Let's grab a taxi and go back to the hotel. I think you've had enough fun for one night."

"Yeah. I think you're right." The red head sniffled. The cold air outside of the club hit her like a splash of water, forcing her even further back to her senses. She couldn't believe the way she had acted in the club. It was disgraceful. They piled into the back of a waiting cab, Cordelia giving the driver the address. She felt the brunette's arm encircle her, holding her and giving what little comfort she could.

"I'm sorry I drug you out here tonight, Wills." Cordelia sighed sadly. "I should have known we couldn't drown your sorrows with drinking and dancing."

"It's okay, 'Delia." Willow whispered, trying to stop crying in case Angel was already back at the hotel when they got there. "Thanks for being a friend." She pulled away from the other girl, leaning her now-pounding head against the glass of the window. Before long they pulled up in front of the hotel and Willow got out, giving the driver some money. "I'll see you tomorrow." She called to Cordelia, watching as the taxi sped off.

She stumbled up the stairs and into the hallway, the door to her room seeming so far away. "Ooooo . Ow!" An utter lack of coordination, brought on by massive amounts of alcohol, brought her crashing to the floor. Tears began to fall as the pain in her head intensified.

"What's going." Lorne walked out of Angel's suite of rooms, glancing down the hallway. He was far from prepared to see Willow lying on the floor, crying so hard that her body shook with her pain. He kneeled next to her, gently pulling her to a sitting position. The smell of alcohol was all over her and he knew she would regret that in the morning. For now he just needed to get her to bed before she hurt herself or woke Connor. "C'mon, sweetie. Let's get off the floor and into bed, okay?"

Willow looked into the kind eyes of the demon and nodded, allowing him to slowly bring her to her feet. His arm supported her as they walked the short distance left to her bedroom. He didn't let go, didn't release his support, until she had collapsed onto her bed, the tears still falling from her eyes.

"Child.what is wrong?" Lorne felt his heart break to see her cry, to know her pain was so great that she had drank herself to this state and still couldn't escape her own misery. "Tell me. Please? Let's make it better."

Willow laughed, spikes of pain shooting through her head. "I wish I could." She sobbed. "But I can't. I just can't. This is my burden to bear. My grief." She closed her eyes, the stress of the evening finally overtaking her - her tears drying as she slowly began to fall asleep. "Don't tell, Angel, Lorne. He'd get mad at me. Or worried." She whispered, struggling to stay awake long enough to implore him. "He deserves to be happy. Don't tell him. "

Lorne brushed a piece of hair from the girl's forehead, sighing in his own sadness even as the gentle sound of her soft breathing filled the air. This was his curse, to feel the need to help others through their pain. But how could he do that when she wouldn't open up to him? Her burden? Her grief? The way she spoke, so fervently, he knew it was the truth that she at least *thought* she couldn't share her pain with him. Maybe one day she would. Until then he just needed to help her in the only way he knew how - by being her friend. One day she was bound to give up the secrets in her heart and let him help ease the weight of her problems.

"Peaceful dreams." He murmured, snapping off her bedside light and leaving the room.

~*~*~

Willow woke the next day with her head pounding and her stomach churning thanks to her impulsive, sadness-filled drinking spree the night before. She sighed,
rubbing at her temple and trying to will away the pain. Once upon a time she would have just chanted a little spell and gone on with her day - no longer. Now she would take it like any normal human would - by suffering. She groaned softly. Today was not going to be a good day. A quick glance at her alarm clock confirmed that it was nearly Noon and about time for her to be getting out of bed and down to the office for work.

Getting out of bed was an agony unto itself. It seemed that every time she tried to stand up the world would tilt and tumble, forcing her to sit again. She feared she would lose the little left in her stomach after each of these brief experiments. Finally she managed to stand, the pounding in her head multiplying to the state of unbearableness. She felt her stomach flip once, twice and then she was off, running to the bathroom across the hall. Only an effort of will kept her from ruining the carpet and she made it to the toilet just in time, vomiting almost immediately upon reaching the porcelain chamber. 'Oh Goddess.why me..' She thought, resting her head on her arm and reaching clumsily for a piece of toilet paper to wipe her mouth with.

"Here."

The red head looked up, blinking up into the light of the hallway from the darkness of the bathroom. Her heart fell when she realized it was Angel standing there, offering her a damp cloth. "Thanks." The whisper sounded obnoxiously loud to her. She ran the cool rag over her face, wiping away any telltale signs that she had just been sick.

"Why'd you do this to yourself Willow?" Angel asked quietly, yearning to take her into his arms and comfort her. He could smell the alcohol still on her skin, like a bad perfume, though. And a part of him couldn't understand what had gone wrong to make her turn to heavy drinking. He had spoken with Cordelia only moments before he heard Willow get out of bed. She had told him about the night they had partaken in, though he felt she was leaving something out - something important. Try as he might he couldn't get her to tell him the entire truth about the situation that had led Willow to take, as he understood it, seven shots of tequila within three hours.

She looked up at him, the disappointment in his voice making her cringe. "I .don't. " She sighed. "I just needed an escape."

"And did you find it?" He watched as she struggled to stand up, vaguely remembering from when he was human the sheer nauseating pain of being hung over.

"No." She whispered, refusing to meet his eyes. "I didn't."

Angel nodded and took hold of her arm, leading her back across the hall to her bedroom. He pointed at the bed and gave her a stern look. "Back in bed until you feel better then, Little One." All of a sudden his face fell and he looked at her with the sadness he was feeling in his heart. "What's so bad that you need to escape from it, Willow? I thought we were friends. You know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?"

Willow nodded mutely even as her brain reminded her of the exact reason why she had drank so much the night before. Angel and Buffy. They had gone out last
night and she didn't think he had been home when she finally stumbled in. He had been out late with Buffy. She fought back the tears that were burning her eyes, turning her face away from him. "I think I just need to sleep, Angel.. Do you mind if.?"

"Go ahead and rest." He murmured, backing up slowly. His eyes misted over, sadness overwhelming him. Something was very wrong with her and he longed, no -
needed, to know what it was. "We can manage without you today." He turned, exiting the room and shutting the door.

The office was quiet when he finally made his way down again. Cordelia looked up from her work, eyebrow arched. "So.how's our little party-girl?"

"Cordy. Don't." The vampire growled softly, glaring at his receptionist. She knew what was wrong with Willow, he was sure of it. She had taken the girl out - to try to cheer her up. He couldn't find it in his heart to be mad at Willow - not when she was so obviously in pain. He knew from experience that pain tended to make one do things they would later regret. But Cordelia? She should have known better. She should never have allowed Willow to drink so much - should never even have taken her to that night club. He could only imagine what kind of sleazy men had hit on the red head while she was sitting there, wasted.

"Wow - why are you all growly-vamp this morning?" The former cheerleader laughed, flipping through the magazine in front of her.

"Why am I all 'growly'?" He asked, his voice rising with each word? "You took my best friend out last night and got her falling down drunk. So wasted, in fact, that she is upstairs too sick to hardly move. You won't even tell me what's bothering her - you just get all tight lipped about it. And you ask me why I'm 'growly'?" He turned to her, his eyes blazing.

"Excuse me?" Cordelia stood up. Her brown eyes flashed with anger. "Last time I checked Willow was an adult and didn't need my permission to do anything." She
snorted, fighting the urge to tell him that his 'best friend's' current melancholy was all his fault. She bit her tongue and waited for the desire to pass and then looked him in his eyes. "You should just be lucky I was there *with* her and got her home *safe*. She would have found a way to ease her pain one way or the other - with me or without me. Oh - but you wouldn't know about pain would you? Not now that you're back in the arms of your one true love." She rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse from the desk. "I'm outta here for the day - calling in sick and all that."

Angel watched her go, still fuming over her apparent lack of better judgment. How could she say that Willow would have done something like that on her own?
Willow wasn't that type of person. Was she? 'Not the type of person to seek out a way to get through pain? Whatever that pain may be?' He asked himself,
sitting slowly in one of the chairs and beginning to regret his comments to Cordelia. Was it really her fault that Willow had drank too much? Could she honestly have stopped the red head? Doubtful. Willow was, as his secretary had pointed out, an adult, and she had the right to make her own decisions - and mistakes. He glanced towards the door, sunlight keeping him from following after Cordelia and apologizing to her.

Her comment about him not knowing about pain now that he was back with Buffy grated at the edge of his mind, nagging at him until he confronted it outright. The truth was that the date hadn't been all that great. He had found himself comparing Buffy to Willow a little too often for his tastes, though it was apparent that the blonde had enjoyed every moment of it. He had forced himself to try to put Willow out of his mind, confused by the emotions she stirred in him. They were friends - nothing more.

So why was she in his mind all the time?

Then there was the other issue he had discovered last night. Buffy and Spike. The thought of Buffy sleeping with Drusilla's errant Childe was enough to make his skin crawl. He had *thought* that the Slayer had better taste than that - some morals maybe? She hadn't had any good excuse for it - only said that it was 'over now' and that she couldn't take him being 'evil'. He had wanted to shout at her at that point - to ask her how hard she had gotten hit on the head to *ever* forget that Spike was evil. But he hadn't. He had simply nodded as she rambled on and on about the biggest blond nuisance in his entire life.

The only thing that had made him want to even keep giving 'them' another shot was the fact that Buffy so obviously needed someone and being with him made her
smile. And hadn't she made him happy at one time? Hadn't she been everything he ever wanted and needed? Weren't they soulmates? He forced a sigh of breath out
of his mouth, looking around the empty lobby and wondering what it was going to take to feel that way with her again. Maybe too much time had passed. He
certainly was a different person than he had been back then. And so was she. She was an adult now - with a sister to care for and the responsibility of running a household hanging over her head. The little innocence she had once held onto had been lost somewhere between her mother's death.and her own. And he didn't blame her one bit.

His thoughts turned again to the woman sleeping upstairs. She didn't need to know about his worries about Buffy. Not when she already had something bothering her. 'I'll just smile and tell her everything is fine. That I had a great time. She worked so hard to give me happiness - I can at least let her think I've found it.'

Across the office the phone was ringing. 'Thank goodness for work.' He sighed, pushing his own troubles to the back of his mind.

~*~*~

Willow rolled onto her side, trying to ignore the mixture of emotions coming through her bond with Angel. She closed her eyes, attempting to deflect enough of the pain in her head to get some rest. She forced herself not to cry when she felt Angel's anger through the bond. She was sure he was mad at her - for drinking so much. Why shouldn't he be? It had been a stupid thing to do. First dark magick now alcohol? She just couldn't seem to do anything in the proper amounts - always to an extreme that ended up hurting someone. Deep sadness came next and she could only imagine that that, too, was her fault. She emptied her mind, trying to block out the feelings. Sleep came slowly, like a blessing, finally granting her relief from not only her own pain, but the conflicting emotions of the vampire downstairs as well.

~*~Part Seventeen~*~

Buffy looked over at Angel, her face dropping in sadness. This was the second yime that night he had gone off into 'la-la' land and she couldn't help but be disappointed. It was bad enough she could only come visit him on the weekends, when she could get Xander to watch Dawn. But to have him practically ignore her
too? She sighed, not surprised when he didn't notice.

Things hadn't been going that well in her search for 'Angel-lovin'' as Xander put it. She could remember a time in her life when just looking at him made her stomach flip, her heart stop, and all of those other clichéd afflictions one associates with love. But now there was something less - something not quite as strong and definitely not as powerful. Being with him didn't spark those dreams of a house and kids. Not that that had ever been a realistic dream - just something she had once longed for. But not now, for some reason. Not with him.

'He's your soulmate, damnit.' She growled at herself, picking at the food on her plate. 'If things don't work out with him who do you have left? Spike? Not hardly.' She chewed thoughtfully a breadstick. 'We just need to try harder, I guess. There has to be a way to reclaim that magic we had. We're meant to be together - isn't that what I always said?'

"Buffy? You still with me?"

The blonde met Angel's eyes, blushing. She had just been caught doing the exact same thing he had done to annoy her. "Yeah - sorry. Guess I zoned out. It was a
long day."

Angel nodded in understanding, reaching across the table to pat her hand. "I know what you mean. Me and Willow spent the entire day working on that new
database she is putting together for AI." He smiled softly. "Its really amazing what she can do with computers."

"Really?" Buffy asked rhetorically, regretting the question the moment she said it as Angel started off on another of the bad habits he had picked up since they had separated - Willow praising. It wasn't that she minded the red head getting some compliments - it was just that Angel seemed to like complimenting her a little too much and wasn't complimenting Buffy herself nearly enough. If she didn't know better she would almost think that the vampire had a crush on Willow. 'Jealous much?' She asked herself, at the same time denying to herself that she could be jealous of Willow. 'They're just friends.' Buffy assured herself. 'Really, really, really good friends. He probably is just feeling overly grateful to her because of the soul anchoring thingie.'

The friendship she shared with the red head had been strained ever since she had shown up that first night. Willow had been quiet every time Buffy had tried to speak to her - running off at the first chance to do something - anything - other than sit there and talk to her. She had attributed the young woman's behavior with the addiction the former witch was still trying to get over and had blown it off, deciding not to worry about it. Willow would come to her when she was ready to talk. Until then things could wait.

Especially since she had something so much more important to worry about - her relationship with Angel.

She listened on for a few moments as he praised the red head in all of her computer-hacking skills before interrupting. "So. Want me to stay overnight? Xander said I could. If you want me to, that is." She fluttered her eyelashes at him, giving him a provocative look. It had been hard to get Xander to agree to watch Dawn at first. He hadn't been very supportive of her starting up a relationship with Angel, to be exact. After she had cried and spent an hour pleading with him to see reason, however, she had found him to be quite the willing babysitter. She scooted her chair closer to Angel, waiting for his response.

A part of her genuinely believed that if she could just get him in bed with her again he would discover that love and happiness he had once known with her - and vice versa. It was worth a shot, at least.

"I.don't know Buffy. Connor is there and Lorne." His voice trailed off at the hopeful look in her eyes. Did he want this? To sleep with her again? Unknowingly his own thoughts mirrored hers - wondering if they could somehow recapture the magic he had once felt with her by committing in a physical way. He caught her hand in his and brought it to his lips, trying to display a confidence he just didn't feel. "How about this, Buffy? Next Saturday - me and you, five star hotel.." He let the suggestion linger in the air, hoping she wouldn't take it the wrong way. It wasn't that he didn't want to make love to her at the hotel, he just didn't want that many people around when they finally shared that moment together again.

Buffy nodded, her face lighting up at the idea. "Sounds wonderful - romantic even." She smiled at him, leaning in and capturing his lips for a kiss. She held her breath, hoping for that special something to flare up between them. When nothing happened she pulled back, turning her head so that he wouldn't see the disappointment on her face. Above all else she didn't want Angel to know how she felt. It was bound to break his heart - knowing that she was worried about whether or not they still had what was necessary to make a relationship work.

"Ready to go?" Angel asked, signaling for the check and secretly hoping Buffy wouldn't be kissing him again anytime soon. Every time he closed his eyes he couldn't help but wish he was with someone else - a someone that his heart wouldn't reveal. He was grateful when the blonde nodded her assent and he laid some money on the table to pay for the meal.

'Next weekend is the deciding factor.' He told himself, helping Buffy slip on her coat and then leading her out of the restaurant to his car. 'If I don't feel something more than this after Saturday night. I'm just going to be honest with her. I can't take much more of this 'trying'.'

Buffy gave Angel a small smile when he held the door open for her, sliding into her seat with relief. 'Thank god the night is over.' She sighed, staring out the window as her date took his place and started the car. 'If next weekend doesn't make me feel something different I'm just going to call it all off. This isn't fair to me or him if I can't be the woman he needs me to be. There's just no magic anymore.'

In silence they rode back to the hotel, each one thinking the same thing.

~*~*~

Willow heard doors open and close somewhere across the hall, a sure sign that Angel had come home. She glanced at her clock, surprised to see that it was still early in the night. Had something gone wrong? She closed the book in front of her, easing off of her bed with a sigh and opened her own door. The door to the vampire's suite of rooms was open and she walked across to the doorway.

"Angel?" She called out softly, not wanting to wake Connor if he was sleeping. She heard a muffled response from the general direction of the bedroom. "Couldn't hear that." She murmured, walking past the living room and to the doorway of Angel's room. "Angel? You're home ear..ly." Her voice trailed off as she got a good glimpse of the vampire, bare-chested, apparently in the process of changing into something 'more comfortable' for the night. "S-Sorry." She blushed, backing back out to the living room, the image of Angel without a shirt forever burned into her mind.

Angel looked up from his dresser, smiling ever so slightly. Out of all the women he had ever met in his entire life - Willow was the only one who would be 'sorry' about seeing him half-dressed. He grabbed a t-shirt, pulling it over his head, and walked out to the living room. "Wills? Did you need something?"

"No." She smiled. "Just heard you come home and wanted to say hello. Was sort of lonely here tonight." She shrugged. "You were out. Cordelia and Groo ran off
to do goddess knows what. Gunn and Fred went to investigate 'something'. And Wesley just sort of sat in his office reading a book." She laughed softly. "He's not really big on conversation, is he?"

The vampire smirked, knowing all too well how difficult Wesley could be to talk to - especially when one really wanted to 'talk'. "No. He's not." Sitting on the couch, the dark haired man indicated for her to take a seat. "Anything in particular you needed to talk about?" He tried not to seem too eager when he asked, but the truth was that he was worried about the red head that was now sitting only a few feet away from him. It had only been a week since she had gone out and drank herself into oblivion. Only a week since he had first known something was seriously wrong with her. And in that week he had learned absolutely nothing. Cordelia was still in a mood with him because of the way he had blamed her for letting Willow drink too much. He had tried to apologize but to no avail.

And he just *knew* that she knew what was bothering Willow.

Willow shrugged. "Nothing in particular, really. Just wanted to see how you were.how your night went." She choked out the last part of her statement, in part because she didn't really want to know how his date had gone and also because it was just painful to think about it. She regretted asking the moment she did, knowing she would undoubtedly have to hear about how wonderful things were in the land of love. How he and Buffy were rediscovering the fire and passion they had once pushed away. She wondered only momentarily if they had tested the soul's anchoring then decided they couldn't have. Her bond with Angel, now stronger than ever, would have let her know the second something like that happened. It was just another part of the price she was paying for the gift she had given him, she supposed - having to feel his pain and his pleasure. Or even times like this when all she could feel from him was confusion.

"Everything was.great." He sighed, forcing himself to smile for her benefit. He ached to tell her how things were 'really' going, but didn't want to burden her with his own problems. Not when she so obviously needed someone to talk to herself. 'Though it doesn't seem like she's ever going to open up to me.' For only a second he thought of trapping her into revealing her problems to Lorne. How hard could it be to get her to sing, after all? But no, that wouldn't be right. He couldn't force her to give away something she was obviously working so hard to keep to herself.

"That's good. I'm glad things are going.great.for you." She blinked, forcing away the tears that she could feel burning behind her eyes. What had she hoped he would say? That things with Buffy were horrible? That there just wasn't any spark there anymore? No magic? Of course things were 'great' for them. They were star-crossed lovers. Destined to be together until death did them part. If even then. She looked away from Angel, as if pondering what he had said though she really was only trying to deal with it.

"How was your night? Other than the whole loneliness thing?" Angel asked, changing the subject before she could ask any more questions about his date with Buffy. "Did you get the research on that demon we killed the other night done?"

Willow nodded, brightening at the change in topic. She settled into back into the couch, her entire body relaxing as she seized onto the proffered subject. Most of her night had been spent working out the little details of the odd race of demon Angel had slain two nights prior. And, from what she could tell, they were all in for a bad shock some time in the very near future. "You won't believe what I found out.."

~*~*~

"They should have been back by now."

Willow looked up at Cordelia, unsurprised to see the brunette's face drawn with the very same worry she knew she herself was feeling. Only twenty-four hours
had passed since she had relayed the information on the mystery demon, now identified as a Shi'Kar, to Angel. Her mind ran across the details as she studied her hands, trying to keep her own worry from driving her insane. The Shi'Kar were apparently very territorial demons who never came to a city without their entire families, anywhere from four to six others, with them. These demon 'families' instinctively knew when one of their members died and would track down, through a metaphysical process neither herself or Wesley had been able to understand, the person who had killed one of their members.

Angel had, of course, decided that the best course of action would be for himself, Gunn, Groo and Wesley to go back to where he had killed the first demon and try to ferret out the rest of the 'family' before they found the hotel. In his divine wisdom Angel had decided that the girls should stay at the hotel. Fred hadn't argued much. She wasn't the type to really run out and hack away at demons. Cordelia had put up a fight, as had Willow, but it had come to naught. Angel had been dead set on them staying behind, watching over the offices and protecting Lorne and Connor, just in case any of the Shi'Kar managed to find their way to the hotel.

"I'm sure everything is fine." Fred murmured. She stopped in her pacing long enough to give the others in the room what she *thought* was a comforting look before beginning again.

Willow sighed, pushing back from the table and standing up. She looked around the lobby, feeling a rising panic fill her from the bottom up, echoing down through the bond she shared with Angel. Despite the overwhelming emotions, she retained enough of her senses to know she couldn't stay around the others. They would notice something was wrong if the tide of emotions didn't ebb away soon. "I'm going to go upstairs and lay down. Not feeling too good."

Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "You *are* looking pale. Do you need anything?"

"No. Just going to go.rest." Willow managed to choke out before turning towards the stairs. She walked with what she hoped wasn't too much speed, making it to
her room in less than a minute. Falling to her bed, she hid her head in her hands, shaking uncontrollably. Through her bond with Angel she could feel panic and fear - each one riding over her in alternating waves that left her breathless and paralyzed with an overdose of emotions. Then, she felt the one thing she didn't want to ever feel from Angel and almost cried out in agony.

Pain.

Hot, spiking, stabbing jolts of pain. She curled into a fetal ball, pulling a pillow to her face to muffle her own cries of pain. She felt tears fall from her eyes. Angel was hurt. Bad. After what seemed like an eternity the emotional tide fell away, leaving only the pain and a sense of relief coming through the bond. She felt the muscles in her body relax as the last wave of uncontrollable shaking left her weak and exhausted. No one had died or been hurt too seriously or else Angel, and thus her as well, would be feeling sadness and loss.

Pulling herself off of the bed, Willow checked her face in the mirror to make sure there were no signs of her tears. She dabbed at her face with some powder
before being satisfied that no one would know.

"Guys. I was thinking. " She began, reaching the top of the stairs and grabbing everyone's attention. She bit her lip, hoping no one would see through the excuse she was about to give. "We should probably get some medical stuff together for when they get back - just in case. You know? Better safe than sorry and all that. They'll probably be back soon."

"You know.that's a great idea." Cordelia smiled, relieved to have something to do other than stand around and wait. "I'll go grab some stuff from the medical cabinet. Fred - can you run to the corner and get some drinks and snacks for the human guys. Wills - you make something for Angel?"

The red head hid a smile, pleased to see Cordelia pull herself out of her state of worry. The girls spread out, each one attending to her assigned task with expediency. She ran up to Angel's rooms, noting that Connor and Lorne both seemed to have dozed off for a small nap, and heated up a pack of blood. It only took a moment for her to find a thermos and she deposited the contents of the blood pack within it, to keep it warm until Angel made his way back to the hotel. The bond between them flared up every so often with his pain and she would have to stop for a moment and bite her tongue to keep from screaming.

No sooner had the girls each returned from their tasks than the doors to the hotel burst open. Willow groaned under the weight of Angel's pain, seeing him supported between Groo and Gunn. There was a very large gash showing across his stomach, and she winced in shared pain. "Can you guys get him to his room?" She asked quietly, waving a hand in the general direction of the stairs even though she knew they were aware of where is room was.

"Sure thing." Gunn grunted. He could see Fred's worried face out of he corner of his eye and he spared her a small smile. "I'm okay baby. Just some bumps and bruises. I'll be back in a sec, k?"

Willow followed behind the men, grabbing up the thermos of blood and some medical supplies, as they slowly moved Angel up the stairs, her body aching with every jolt and jostle he was forced to endure. She could hear him groan in pain and it made her own aches that much more unbearable.

"Do you need anything else?" Groo asked once Angel was laid on his bed. He waited until Willow shook her head and then left, limping ever so slightly. The red head sighed. More than just Angel had been hurt tonight, but Fred and Cordelia would see to the others. Angel was hers to worry over. She looked over the dark haired vampire, not surprised to see that he had lost consciousness. It was almost better that way - she couldn't feel his pain when he wasn't conscious to project it at her. The brief respite allowed her a moment to gather her thoughts. He needed to be fed and patched up. In that order.

"Angel." Willow murmured, unscrewing the cap of the thermos. "You need to drink this. You've lost a lot of blood." She laughed, waving the container under his nose. "And I don't think Cordy or the others really fancy becoming your snack later." It was dangerous, she knew, to be this close to a vampire that had already lost so much blood. But what could he do to her? Drain her to the point of death? Yes. But that wouldn't kill her. Nothing could kill her short of Angel's death, from what she understood of the pact she had made with her Goddess. She jumped when his hand grabbed for hers, taking the thermos from her. His face shifted to that of his demon and he began to drink, his eyes still closed.

Willow watched, unable to feel the horror she should, as Angel drank down the blood she had warmed for him. Even in this state he was one of the most spectacular creatures she had ever had the privilege to know. Her eyes wandered, uninhibited, over the ridges and curves of his face. 'Does Buffy love this side of him too? Or does she try to forget it exists?' She asked herself, already knowing the answer. Buffy could never love that part of Angel that was a vampire. The blonde had, in all the time she knew her, tried to forget about it. If Buffy had ever truly allowed herself to see Angel for the sum of all of his parts instead of just the parts she wanted to see, she would have been forced to realize things never could work between them.

'So instead she just blunders along in blissful ignorance. Seems to be working for her so far.' The red head sighed, forcing a smile onto her face as Angel opened his eyes at last. She watched as his eyes registered shock. Had he not even realized she was there.

"Willow." His features smoothed out to the mask she knew all too well. "You shouldn't have had to see me like that."

"Like what?" She asked gently, taking the thermos from him. "All I saw was my friend, in pain." She squeezed his hand. "More pain to come, I'm afraid. I need to clean you up and bandage that cut you got." She gestured to his stomach, reaching behind her for a washcloth. His shirt was in tatters, the thin silk having provided little resistance to the Shi'Kar's claws. Her fingers flew over the last remaining buttons, pulling aside the material. In any other situation she would have found herself blushing at the sight of his bare chest. Not now, though. Not with him cut from one side of his stomach to the other. She bit her lip to keep from crying out as the washcloth first touched the skin around the wound. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Angel lean back into the pillows, shutting his eyes in pain.

Torturous as it was to both of them, the former witch managed to clean the wound entirely, wiping away all traces of the blood he had lost. She could see already that the cut was healing, the magical properties of his body working to repair itself. "Can you sit up?"

Angel nodded, slowly rising to a sitting position. He closed his eyes again, submitting to the tender ministrations of the red haired woman sitting on the edge of his bed. How had he ever gotten lucky enough to deserve someone as wonderful as Willow in his life? She had faced him at his worse, demon showing, and still stayed to help him. Had acted, in fact, like it was no big deal to her at all. "How did I ever get a friend like you, Willow?" He asked quietly. If he hadn't been in so much pain he would have no doubt found the gentle touch of her fingers on his bare skin to be quite pleasurable. Again he found himself wondering what he was trying to accomplish by being with Buffy when Willow was there, being everything he needed. 'Because Willow would never be able to see you like that. She is your friend only.' He told himself.

Willow smiled at Angel. "You deserve a million friends like me, Angel. You do so much good in the world. Like killing those demons tonight." She sighed, clasping the edge of the bandage. "All done." She pushed gently on his chest, forcing him to lie down again. "You rest, now, okay? I'm going to go back downstairs and see if the others need anything."

The vampire watched her go, confusion over his own feelings warring with pain until he finally succumbed to sleep.

~*~*~

Willow knew it was unfair of her to wish that Angel would stay too hurt to go out on his Saturday night date with Buffy.

But that didn’t stop her.

In the days that followed his injury the young witch watched over him onstantly, at first bringing him things when it would have been too painful for him to move himself, and later, as he began to heal, just keeping him company when he needed someone to talk to about the entire thing. At one point she had forced herself to bite her lip to keep from telling him she had ‘known’ how stressful the entire thing had been. After all – she had felt it through the bond she shared with him, even if he wasn’t aware of that.

Friday night came and Willow’s heart sank as she found Angel actually walking around the lobby, going through the few new cases they had received while he had been out of commission. If he felt good enough to be up and out of bed he would certainly be keeping his date with Buffy on Saturday. Just another weekend in her own private Hell it seemed.

"How about this one, Wills? Tall, dark and handsome male seeks loving female." Cordelia looked up from the newspaper, hope shining in her eyes. "You’re female and I’m sure you’re loving – how about it? Should we call?"

The red head groaned, watching Angel covertly out of the corner of her eyes. There were no outward signs of his injury and he seemed to be moving about with relative ease compared to the days before. Despite the fact that she felt happy to have him feeling better, she still found herself wishing he could have stayed hurt for just two more days. She had enjoyed the time they had spent together as he healed, talking and joking like they had before Buffy had reentered his life. It had been like discovering a good friend all over again.

And it made the entire situation hurt even more.

Whether it was the bond between them or some, other, type of connection, she didn’t know. All she did know was that she felt like there was no one like Angel in the entire world. No one she would ever feel so close to. No one she would ever love in this way. He was the other half of her heart and also, she believed, the other half of her soul.

"No, Cordy. I don’t want to go out on a blind date." She said finally, bringing herself back to reality when the brunette cleared her throat, obviously expecting an answer. "It’s just not my style."

"And what is your style?" Cordelia asked, the words coming out more harshly than she meant them to. "Sitting at home and crying yourself to sleep over Him?" She jerked her head in the direction of their boss, the vampire completely oblivious to their conversation. "You have to get over him sometime."

"And I will." Willow whispered, trying to convince herself of the same thing. In time the pain would fade, right? Even if he was her only hope for love she didn’t have to yearn for him for her entire life, did she? Eventually she would be able to date and have fun again – even if the relationships were meaningless. ‘Who am I kidding? There’s no point…’

"No point?"

Willow’s head shot up, her eyes widening. She blushed, grabbing up a book from the table and putting her nose into it before Cordelia could inquire further about what she had said or even blind dates in general. She heard the brunette take a breath to speak and implored her quietly. "Please, Cordy. Just let it go."

Cordelia shook her head in irritation. She stood up from the table and left, leaving Willow to herself. ‘Since apparently she wants to spend the rest of her life by herself anyway.’ The former cheerleader growled internally. She knew that Willow’s main problem lie in Angel and the love she felt for him. But there was nothing to be done about it. Angel and Buffy were back together as much as everyone who knew the vampire hated the thought.

Hopefully Willow would snap out of her depression soon and find someone who was able to love her as much as she deserved.

~*~*~

Angel had heard the beginning of the conversation between Willow and his receptionist and had felt something altogether unexpected when the brunette had pointed out the classified ad to Willow.

Jealousy.

It had hit him like a fist in the stomach, the thought of Willow going out on a date with someone. On a deeper level he knew why he felt the way he did about the subject, but that part of him wasn’t allowed to have a voice in the daily running of his life. He couldn’t admit to himself that he cared a great deal more about Willow than just as a friend. Not when he had Buffy back in his life. Not when he didn’t want to risk his friendship with the red head. She would never be able to see him as anything other than a friend. He knew he was like an older brother to her – someone to talk with and ask advice from. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Though sometimes he wished for more.

He knew that that was unfair to Buffy. And maybe that was why the relationship they were trying to rekindle just wasn’t blazing like it should have been. Every time he was with the blonde he found a million and one ways to compare her to Willow.

So why did he keep up the charade with Buffy?

‘Because she’s been through so much. She needs a little happiness. And I can give it to her. I loved her once, I can love her again. I’m sure everything will fall into place tomorrow night.’ He reassured himself, hearing a chair scrape across the floor behind him. He looked over his shoulder, surprised to see Cordelia stomping off. Probably to find Groo and do unspeakable things in one of the upstairs bedrooms. He shuddered and then sighed. Why was it that he couldn’t find a relationship like the one those two had? They were perfect for each other he could admit, now that he was no longer lusting after his receptionist. Groo completed Cordelia in a way that Angel had never seen anyone do before. It was almost sickening the way they fawned over one another. But that’s what love did to you.

‘So why don’t I feel like fawning over Buffy?’ He asked himself. He lifted his arm from the desk, absently brushing a paper off of it and onto the floor. Bending to retrieve the document he winced, a sharp breath escaping from his mouth at the pain. It would still be days before his body was fully healed from the gash the demon had made in his stomach. If he hadn’t wanted so bad to have his night with Buffy and see once and for all if things were going to work or not, he would have just called the whole thing off and stayed home to rest.

"Angel?" Willow asked, laying a hand on his shoulder.

The vampire glanced upwards, still half-bent, trying to grab the paper from the floor. He had been so caught up in his thoughts he hadn’t even heard her get out of her chair. The paper disappeared from the floor, her quick hands placing it back where it belonged. Then, with a gentle pressure on his arm, she pulled him back to an upright position, her every touch tender and merciful. "You should go back and lay down. You’re not a hundred percent yet, you know."

‘So much kinder than Buffy would be…’ He compared mentally. ‘NO! Stop that. No more. Its not fair to compare them. Not fair to Buffy and not fair to me. Even if things don’t work out with Buffy I will not ruin my friendship with Willow. She is too special for that.’ Aloud he managed to murmur, "I think you’re right. I need to get rested… Big night tomorrow."

Was it just his imagination or did he hear her breath catch when he said that? Did the laughter leave her eyes? ‘Nah – I’m just imagining things. Why would my date with Buffy make her sad?’ He continued to ponder the question as he made his way up to his room, unaware of two sad green eyes watching him the entire time until they could see him no more.

~*~*~

The next night Willow watched Angel leave with a sinking heart. For some reason this night felt different from all the others. She knew something was up just by the fact he had told Lorne he wouldn’t be back until ‘late’. Usually Angel wouldn’t have bothered with telling the demon that much if he was going to be in back before midnight.

Which meant that he already had a plan. He had mentioned the day before that he had a ‘big night’ ahead of him. The pieces snapped into place with a sickening thud in her heart. Tonight would be "The" night. The night when Angel and Buffy finally took his soul for a test drive around the block of love. She swallowed, forcing back a lump in her throat that was too painful for words.

Turning from the railing over looking the lobby, the red head made her way slowly back to her room. Her hand trailed idly down the wall, fingernails making a dull scratching sound in the quiet hallway. She wondered, not for the first time, if she truly was incapable of dying like her Goddess had said.

Because at that moment she thought she would surely die of a broken heart.

"Stop it." She whispered fiercely to herself, locking the door to her room. "You don’t know that that’s what they’re going to be doing tonight. You have no way to be sure." The words were meant to be reassuring, but they offered no hope. "I’ll just go to sleep. Then, no matter what, at least I won’t know when it happens. I won’t have to .. feel it." Tears slid down her cheeks as she pulled back the blankets on her bed, sliding under them with all the energy of a corpse.

She counted down slowly from a hundred, willing herself to sleep, all the while praying that she not have to experience what she knew in her heart was going to happen that night.

~*~*~

Angel tossed the keys to the hotel room on the small table next to the door, shrugging off his leather jacket. He draped the article over the back of one of the room’s chairs, surveying the room with appraising eyes. It was a nice hotel. One of the best in the city. If tonight was going to be the last one he spent with Buffy, he wanted to at least give her that much.

‘So say goodbye and leave her in the room to order room service and eat herself sick.’ His conscience implored to him. ‘You do NOT have to do this. You do not need to sleep with her. You already know what you feel and this is NOT it.’

"Angel…look…king size…."

The vampire turned, forcing a smile onto his face. Buffy had already taken off her shoes and had laid herself on the bed in what he assumed was supposed to be an inviting, if not downright provocative position. But, aside from the feelings any man would have at the thought of sleeping with a beautiful young woman, the entire situation left him slightly cold.

Again his conscience whispered, ‘So go home.’

"You going to come to bed?" Buffy purred, sliding to the edge of the bed and grabbing at his belt. She slowly began working the leather through the loops of his pants, finally freeing the belt from them entirely.

‘Just shut up and try. Don’t you owe Buffy that much? To at least try to make things work? Don’t you owe it to Willow to try to be happy? She gave you a second chance at love and happiness!’ He told himself, pushing his conscience into the deeper recesses of his mind. He closed his eyes, abandoning himself to the soft ministrations of her fingers as she began to unbutton his pants.

~*~*~

Lust.

Desire.

Passion.

Willow woke, sweating, a tidal wave of emotions baring down on her in a flood of pure heat. She gasped for breath, her eyes glazed with second-hand passion. Mind-numbing, spine-tingling sensations coursed through her body as she felt Angel give in to his passions and find release somewhere in the city, with Buffy.

As the last of the passions cleared from her mind, Willow found herself crying. It had happened. Despite her prayers and entreaties, it had happened anyway. And she had been woken up to be forced to experience it right along with him. She sat up, pulling her knees to her chest, and began to cry. The tears flowed freely, her heart aching with the loss of something it had never quite had. She felt like cursing her Goddess for bringing this misery to her life. But hadn’t she asked for it? Agreed to it?

As if she were standing in the room with her, Willow could hear her Goddess chide her ever so gently.

"I never meant for you to hurt this badly, my daughter. But you sacrificed to give him his joy. What is done is done. I could not take it back even if you wanted me to. Try to live your life and be happy. Remember that you are his friend, his confidant, and he will need you no matter how much it hurts you to be there for him."

The red head sniffled, wiping at the tears on her face with the back of her hand. Her eyes searched the room, but there was no one there. If her Goddess had ever been there she was gone now. But her words lingered on. She had to move past this. Had to find a way to still be there for Angel when he needed her.

She stood and grabbed her bathrobe from the hook on the back of her door, crossing to the bathroom. Maybe a hot shower would at least ease some of the tension from her body and let her sleep again tonight.

~*~*~

Buffy rolled off of Angel, pulling the sheet up around her. She stared at the ceiling of the hotel room, confusion rolling through her mind. Despite the passion they had just shared she still felt the same as she had the weekend before. There was no more fire and magic than there had been then. She sighed softly, closing her eyes. It was time to admit the horrible truth.

Things had changed.

"Angel…"

"Buffy…"

The two looked at each other, the situation seeming more incredibly odd than either one of them could have ever imagined.

"You first…" Buffy whispered. She rolled to her side so that she could look at his face, pleased when he did the same. She had no clue what he was about to say but she prayed it wouldn’t make what she needed to tell him harder than it already was going to be.

"I…" Angel paused, searching for the right words. "We…" He stopped again. He knew what he wanted to say but all the words suddenly seemed so awkward. "We’re not… I mean, it’s like this. I don’t feel…"

"The same? As you used to?" Buffy jumped at the fragmented sentence, realizing what he was trying to say. At his tentative nod she smiled outright, sitting up in the bed and grinning. "Angel – I could kiss you. That was exactly what I was going to say."

"You were? Really?" He let out a breath of air he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, a genuine smile breaking over his face for the first time that night. "Oh good. I thought it was just me. I…"

"Didn’t want to hurt me?" Buffy laughed softly. "And I didn’t want to hurt you. Its just not the same as it was back in high school. Things were different then. *We* were different."

Angel laughed, nodding. He sat up, patting her knee with affection, though not the passion they had hoped for. "Whaddya say we get dressed and get out of here…this is just too…weird."

"Agreed." The blonde laughed, sliding out of bed. She pulled the sheet around her and grabbed up her clothes from the floor, suddenly shy. "We’re still friends, Angel. No matter what. K?"

"Friends." Angel echoed, watching her practically skip her way into the bathroom to get dressed. Relief that things had ended so peacefully coursed through his body and he laughed to himself. "Just friends."

~*~*~

Willow could hear Connor start crying as she finished her shower, pulling her bathrobe around her. She tied off the fuzzy white robe and stepped into the hallway, shivering in the cold air. In the next room Connor was screaming at the top of his little baby lungs.

"What’s wrong, little guy?" She cooed, picking him up from his crib and rocking slowly back and forth. She could hear someone moving around in the kitchen and assumed it was Lorne, probably fixing a bottle for the baby. Her eyes wandered around the nursery, finally lighting on a small radio on a table. She remembered Lorne saying once that Connor seemed to enjoy music and being sung to.

"Well – can’t hurt to try." She snickered, feeling incredibly self-conscious as she turned on the radio. "Now – no laughing Connor. K?" The words that floated through the small speakers brought another pang of sadness to her heart and, when she opened her mouth to sing along, her voice was breathy, full of emotions and things she couldn’t express in any other way.

"You’re a song…written by the hands of God…" From the first word Connor stopped crying, his tiny fist coming up to his mouth, eyes wide with the wonder only true innocents contained. She smiled down at him, continuing to sing as they glided around the room.

"Don’t get me wrong…this might sound to you a bit odd…but you own the place…where all my thoughts go hiding…right under your clothes…is where I find them…" Willow choked back another sob of grief, closing her eyes and swaying in place with the now peaceful Connor. Angel was where her thoughts always ran to – to hide. Though they would never get under his clothes. Nor would she. Not now that he had Buffy and they had…

"Underneath your clothes…there’s an endless story…there’s the man I chose…there’s my territory….and all the things… I deserve…for being such a good girl, honey…."

She felt tears slide from her eyes, down her cheeks and undoubtedly onto the thick terry cloth of her robe. The words of the song rang true to her heart. Hadn’t she been a good girl? Didn’t she deserve happiness? She opened her eyes, surprised to see that the baby in her arms was now fast asleep, one of her tears glistening on the skin of his arm. She laid him down gently in his cradle, wiping the spot of moisture from him."What do you think, Connor? Do I deserve him?"

"I’ll say you do."

Willow whirled, almost falling over. Her eyes widened in horror when she saw Lorne, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, bottle in hand. "Sorry… I’m just having a bad night…"

"No, sweets. Its more than that." Lorne replied, his face knowing. He had heard her sing and, through the grace of the Powers, been giving insight into the troubles the girl was bearing on her small shoulders. He knew everything, including her vow not to tell anyone what she had done. But he was under no such clause. The information he had been given had been presented to him with a purpose.

End her suffering.

"Was it worth it?"

The red head gasped, the meaning of his words becoming incredibly clear."H-How do you know?"

"Your little show there gave the Powers an opportunity to let you off the hook. Didn’t Cordelia or Angel ever tell you what my gifts are?" He sighed when she shook her head. "I see things when I hear people sing. In your case I see what you did… And how you are paying for it."

The room was too hot, too cold, too much of everything all at once. Willow’s eyes darted around the room, feeling like a caged animal. One part of her wanted to cry her eyes out to Lorne, to tell him how much she had been hurting, while another part of her wanted to run away. "Y-You can’t tell Angel… Can’t tell anyone…Please?"

Lorne raised an eyebrow, settling into a chair. "Why not? Doesn’t Angel have a right to know? Don’t you need the support of your friends?"

"Yes…no…yes…Agghh." Willow cried softly, sinking to her knees in front of him. "I don’t want their pity. I don’t want Angel to feel like I did too much, went too far. I want him to be happy. I don’t want to interfere with that. Can’t you see?"

"I see." Lorne nodded. "You have to be the most selfless person I have ever met in my entire life." He shook his head, closing his eyes. Never in a million years had he imagined that the secrets the red head had been harboring were this great in magnitude. "You don’t want Angel to know because you don’t want to risk ruining the happiness he has with that Buffy girl. You think that by telling him what you gave up you will make him feel obligated, right?"

Willow nodded, her eyes fixed on his. "Please. Don’t tell him. Don’t tell any of them. Its my burden to bear."

"Eternity will be a long time without love…" Lorne whispered. He believed without a doubt that Angel had a right to know what the red head had given up for him. If it ruined his relationship with Buffy, so be it. From the things the vampire had let slip over the last few weeks, there was trouble in paradise anyway. But Angel wasn’t home at the moment and the girl crying on the floor needed some consolation. He said a silent prayer to whatever deities were watching over him, begging them to forgive the lie he was about to tell. "Fine. I promise."

The crying stopped and she looked at him warily. Could she trust him? ‘He promised – be a good girl and go to bed. You need to sleep.’ Her inner self chastised her. She sighed, thankful when Lorne stood and offered her a hand up. "Thank you."

"Don’t mention it." He smiled, secretly planning on waylaying Angel to tell him the second he walked through the door – or first thing in the morning if he fell asleep before the vampire got home. "Remember that I am always here when you need to talk, ok?" He smiled again, relief filling him when she left the room. The weight of her problems and his own decision bared down on him. But he needed to stay up, to talk to Angel. Grabbing a book, the demon settled into a chair, prepared to stay up as long as it took.

And promptly fell asleep.

~*~*~

The hotel was quiet when Angel finally returned home, making his way up to his room with little noise. Connor was asleep in his crib, Lorne stretched out in a chair nearby. He thought about waking the green-skinned demon then pushed the idea aside. Obviously Lorne needed his rest and he would move to his own bed if he woke before morning. Angel turned on the light in his bedroom, shutting the door behind him with only the most minimal of clicks. He listened carefully to make sure he hadn't woken Connor before moving deeper into his room, shedding his clothes as he went until he was left only in boxers. Only then did he shut off the light and climb into bed, his head still whirling with the events of that evening.

Once Buffy and himself had gotten dressed, they had sat down and talked for nearly two hours about different things. The overall feeling of the conversation was pleasant, much more so than their last few dates had been. They had both admitted to each other that they had been trying too hard to recapture something that likely had never been meant to exist in the first place. Buffy had poured her heart out to him about everything that had happened in the past year - dying, Spike, Dawn - things she had held inside for the longest time. She had told him that he would always be a very good friend to her and that she hoped he felt the same way.

He had assured her he did.

Then had come the hard part. She had called him on his feelings for Willow, telling him that he had been utterly transparent even at the best of times. She had been much more kind than he had thought she would be, advising him that if he truly loved the red head he should make a move and not wait until it was too late. "You never know what's going to happen from one day to the next, Angel," Her words floated back across time to him. "I certainly never planned on dying that night. What if tomorrow brings tragedy? Don't you want her to know how you felt?"

'I do want her to know.' He told himself, closing his eyes and trying to sleep.'But what if it ruins our friendship? She certainly has never given me any sign that she likes me as more than a friend.' But Buffy was right. Anything could happen. Freak accidents occur all the time, and even more so in his life and line of work. How would he feel if something happened to Willow and he had never even tried to tell her how he felt? Would he honestly be able to live with himself at that point?

He didn't think so.

Buffy had made a large number of good points, enumerating the reasons why he and Willow would make a good couple and, he had to admit, she made a pretty
convincing case. First on her list was that Willow was already his friend - his good friend. He smirked, remembering the exasperation on Buffy's face when she had said that. "Willow this and Willow that." She had sighed, mock-glaring at him. "I was starting to think that my friend was a saint. You certainly can't seem to find anything that she does wrong."

And what had he been able to say to that? Was there anything Willow did that truly annoyed him - unlike Buffy? Not that he wanted to bad mouth the blonde,
but there were too many things she did that grated on his nerves rather than endeared her to him. Little things like talking about herself too much or focusing on one thing and not letting it go until the entire subject was exhausted. Willow, on the other hand, she didn't seem to do much of anything to annoy him. 'Well,' He admitted. 'Other than put herself down constantly. She really has a self-esteem issue sometimes.'

He smiled in the darkness, thinking of the red head across the hall, probably sound asleep by now. Would she have any interest in him? He could only hope so
- he was staking their entire friendship on it. On the blank canvas of his mind he could picture her as she must be at that moment - laying in bed, her perfect porcelain skin standing out in the darkness of her room, red hair fanned out around her head, her eyes closed. She was, without a doubt, beautiful - though he knew for a fact that she didn't picture herself in that manner. He wondered if she was wearing that little Curious George nightshirt he had seen her in once or twice - a present from Xander she had made sure to tell him, as though wearing something as cute as that was something to apologize for. It was fine with him if she wore that to bed, or in the office.

'It's fine with me if she just wears nothing at all.'

Angel groaned, rolling onto his side and closing his eyes tight, trying to shut out the traitorous thoughts in his mind that were conspiring to keep him from sleep.

~*~*~

Willow heard Angel come in and forced herself not to cry. She wasn't going to let this ruin her friendship with him. Tomorrow she would just act like nothing was wrong and start moving on with her life. Sure - she could never fall in love with anyone else. But that was still a small price to pay to have done something to great for someone she cared about.

She shut her eyes, praying for peace from nightmares where she lived out the rest of her life alone, praying for those that looked out for lovelorn young women to have mercy on her heart and make her just not feel anymore. And, finally, praying that Angel would always find happiness in the decisions he makes.

~*~*~

Hunger finally drove Willow from her bed the next day. She yawned, stretching her arms up over her head before sitting up and blinking sleepily at the clock. The red digital numbers showed that it was nearly Noon. 'Oh well. At least its Sunday and I don't have to do any work. I can just sit in my room and.' She frowned, standing up and slipping on a pair of sweat pants. 'And what? Pout? Cry?' She shook her head at her thoughts, determination setting in. She wasn't about to sit around all day and mourn the loss of a love she had never truly had. Not anymore, anyway.

The floor was quiet when she opened the door of her room, cocking her head to the side for any sounds of movement. She crossed the hall to Angel's rooms,
slipping past the nursery and into the kitchen. The fact that Angel had the only working kitchen in the entire building was something of a small nuisance to her, and she made a mental note to discuss with him what they could do to make a more generalized one. It certainly wasn't fair to Angel to have everyone constantly wandering into his apartment just to get a soda. Not that he seemed to mind - but Willow was sure none of them wanted to accidentally walk in on Angel doing anything he wouldn't normally do in front of other people. 'Because I definitely don't want to walk in while he and Buffy are...'

She let the thought go, cringing at the self-torture her brain insisted on inflicting on her. The thought of Angel with Buffy brought back all the memories of the night before - feeling the consummation of their love, singing to Connor, and Lorne somehow ending up with the knowledge of what she had done. 'Wonder exactly how much he knows.' She thought idly, pulling a bag of deli-sliced turkey and a tomato from the refrigerator. 'It's not like we talked a whole lot last night. He seems to nice, so helpful. But no one can take this pain from me and talking isn't going to make the hurt go away. Talking just reminds me how pathetic I am.' She reached into one of the cabinets, pulling out a loaf of bread. She squeezed it experimentally, glad to feel that it was still soft. For the most part there was no way of knowing how long most of the food in the kitchen had been there. Lorne and herself were the only ones that really used the room, with Cordelia occasionally bringing in some of her own things to clutter everything up.

Her thoughts turned back to Angel as she opened the bag of bread, pulling out two of the white slices for her sandwich. Now that he and Buffy had gone that extra step would she be coming to live here? She frowned. 'We'll definitely need another kitchen then. Just not enough space in this one little room for all those people to cook and stuff.' It helped to think of things from a practical point of view, she decided - but only a little. Dawn would have to come with her, of course. Before long the hotel would be full of people at that rate. Willow sighed, grabbing a jar of mayonnaise from the refrigerator and liberally spreading it on one of the slices of bread. Living with Buffy and Dawn, having to be around the happy little family they would no doubt make with Angel was a thought she didn't like to contemplate, the idea making her eyes well up with tears. 'Shame I promised my Goddess I'd stick close to Angel and be his friend until he gets redemption,' she thought bitterly. 'I'd so like to run far away from all of this.'

But she wouldn't even try it, for fear of risking Angel's soul and his chance at atonement. Who was to say that leaving him wouldn't immediately negate the deal she had made with her Goddess and send both of them to their deaths? 'Reminder to self - next time you make a deal with a Goddess, make sure you get more details.'

"Hey Will."

The red head jumped, the knife she had been using to cut the tomato slicing neatly into her thumb. She gasped in pain, biting her lip to keep from screaming. How could she have been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't even heard Angel enter the room. Through the haze of pain she recalled Xander once suggesting putting a bell on Angel's neck so they could hear him come and go. Score one for stealth-man.

"Willow?" Angel queried, stepping further into the kitchen. The first thing he noticed was the smell of blood in the air, then Willow's ashen face set in a mask of shocked pain. He looked down at her hands. There was so much blood that it took him a moment to realize she had cut her thumb, apparently while slicing a tomato. He grabbed blindly for the roll of paper towels further down the counter, tearing off a few sheets. He caught her hand in his, whispering nonsense words of empathy as he wrapped the little absorbent sheets around the injury. It didn't take a genius or even a doctor to tell him that she had cut herself deeply, the amount of blood pooling on the cutting board and counter gave him that clue. His heart lurched in agony. Wasn't this what he had been worried about, except on a smaller scale? Something bad happening unexpectedly? His eyes flew to the clock. Almost six hours to go until sunset, he wouldn't be able to take her to get the cut looked at. "Come sit down. I'll go wake up Lorne and have him drive you to the hospital."

The red head blinked, Angel's words penetrating the pain. She stared at him dumbly, her brain screaming that she couldn't go to the hospital, though she was having trouble remembering what that reason was. Finally it hit her, as Angel opened his mouth to repeat what he had already said about having Lorne take her to the hospital. The bond. She would heal in no time. In fact, as she stood there thinking about it, she realized she could already feel the magick of the bond working to mend her torn skin. By now the bleeding would have stopped. If she healed under the watchful eyes of the doctors at the hospital it would raise more questions than she was able to answer. She was going to have more than enough trouble convincing Angel as it was. "No. I can't. It's nothing, really."

"Little One, c'mon - I saw the cut. You need to go the doctor. Probably need a couple stitches." How could she stand there, so calm, and say she wasn't going to the doctor? She had bled all over his kitchen counter and she thought was she was fine? "Please, for me?"

"I *can't*." She moaned, the agony of the situation overriding the little pain she still felt from the cut. "Believe me - it's no big deal. I promise. I'll be okay."

Angel grabbed at her hand, frustrated, and pulled the paper towel away. His 3yes locked with hers, not even looking at the wound. "Look at it. Does that *look* like you will be fine? You need to go to a . "

Willow held her breath as he finally looked down at her hand, the cut now showing as nothing more than a pinkish scar that was, itself, fading as they watched.

"What is going on?" Dark brown eyes met anxious green ones, both worried but for different reasons. Willow could feel his confusion in their bond, mixed with overlying tinges of worry and fear that she could only assume was brought on by her now-healed injury.

"Please, Angel. Trust me. It's nothing." The young woman cried, prying her hand from his grasp and clutching it to her chest. Tears began to fall down her cheeks.

"Trust you?" Angel asked, blinking in confusion. "You just cut your thumb open and it healed - completely. And you say its nothing to worry about and to trust you? I need an explanation." He moved closer to her, as if to grab her again and hold her still until she told him what was going on. But Willow was too quick for him, moving out of the way and then out of the kitchen. He heard her whisper, 'I can't tell you.', before she disappeared entirely. With his sensitive hearing he could hear the door to her bedroom shut. He started for the hallway, intent on questioning her until he got the answers he needed.

Only to be stopped by Lorne. "We need to talk."

"Can it wait?" Angel asked impatiently, looking around the other man and out into the hallway. He could hear Willow crying through her door and it broke his heart. Whatever was going on with her was apparently much more serious than he had originally thought and, as a good friend and someone who loved her, he was now determined to figure out what it was. "I'm in the middle of something. Willow -"

"Willow," Lorne said, his face serious. "Is exactly the reason I need to talk to you."

~*~*~

Angel sat down across from Lorne, looking at the demon with no small amount of impatience. Across the hall he could still hear Willow crying. What could
possibly be going on with her? She had been hiding something, that part was no longer in question, but what could it be. His eyes met Lorne's. "Could we get on with this? I need to go talk to Willow."

"Calm down, cupcake. You need to hear what I have to tell you about that little girl first." He paused, eyes unfocused as he searched through what he knew of the situation. Where was the right place to start?

"What is it, Lorne?" The vampire asked, his concentration shifting from the crying human across the hall to the demon sitting in front of him. It was apparent that whatever Lorne had to tell him was something he at least *thought* was important.

"It's about her - and what she did to give you that nice permanent little soul." Lorne began finally, settling back into his chair. The confusion in Angel's eyes was terrible and hard to bear, so he turned his gaze to Connor's crib, seeing the infant sleeping through the slats of the piece of furniture. "She gave up so much for you."

"Huh?" Angel knew his statement wasn't the most eloquent in the world, but Lorne was confusing him. What did he mean Willow had given up so much for him?
What had she had to sacrifice to give him an anchored soul. "Cut the drama, Lorne, and just tell me what you know. Please?" His last word was an entreaty,
almost a plea.

"Basically your little witch got down on her knees and prayed to the Powers to give you a little present, sweets. And lo and behold, her Goddess answered - but there were some stipulations to it all. And a price." He shook his head. "I'm just going by what I got off of her last night when she was singing to Connor, mind you. And we should be thankful that the Powers saw fit to let us know this much - after all, they swore *her* to absolute secrecy."

Angel sat back, confusion warring with an emotion he couldn't begin to name. It was like a mix of gratitude, amazement and love. Willow had prayed for this?
She had actually contacted the Powers and *asked* for this most precious gift? But Lorne said there were stipulations, a price? "What do you know?"

Lorne sighed, turning his eyes back to Angel. "Basically the first thing that her Goddess told her was that she couldn't tell a single soul about what the stipulations of this little 'gift'. And boy were those stipulations some whoppers." He snorted. "That little slip of a girl across the room is here for as long as you are sugar - she can't die unless you bite it, her physical hurts will heal just about as fast as your own. She's practically immortal. All she has to do is be there for you - be your friend."

"That doesn't sound so bad." Angel murmured, feeling a little more at ease with what had just happened in the kitchen though he was still confused. Why had Lorne made it seem like there was something awful about the situation? "There's more, isn't there?"

"You betcha." The green-skinned demon smiled humorlessly. "She's bonded to you on an emotional level. Anything you feel, she feels. Your pain.your sadness. your passion." He watched as Angel's face took on an amazing shade of pink. "Yeah - she knows all about what happened with you and Buffy last night. I caught her in here crying her eyes out, singing a song to Connor that could've made a rock weep. And that leads me to the 'price' portion of our little lecture, my dear. You are the only man she can *ever* love. She gave up her rights to anyone but you when she asked for your soul. Since she did what she did out of love for you, the Powers seemed to think it was a fitting price. She will live out the rest of her now-longer-life with no chance at having someone love her."

"But -" Angel began then snapped his mouth shut. He shut his eyes, feeling sadness well up within him like a flood behind a dam. Suddenly everything clicked into place. Willow's sadness, the way she would distance herself from any conversation he started that involved Buffy. He opened his eyes again, meeting Lorne's gaze. "But I love her, Lorne. Buffy and I - we decided it just wasn't as meant to be as we once thought it was."

Lorne arched an eyebrow. "Did you love her before you knew all of this or are you just saying that out of gratitude? Because, believe me, she doesn't need or
want your pity."

The vampire shook his head. "I think I've loved her for a while now. I was just too stupid to admit it to myself at first. And then, when I did realize it, I was with Buffy and didn't want to ruin my friendship with Willow." He stood up, his face set in determination. "But, no more. If she loves me and I love her there's no reason -"

"Hold on there, Romeo." Lorne gestured to the seat Angel had just vacated, indicating that he sit down again. "You plan on just going over there and telling her you suddenly love her? She knows I know about her sacrifice. She's just going to assume that I told you and you are only doing it out of a sense of duty, out of obligation. You need to go slowly with her. Make her believe you love her before ever letting her know what I told you today. I promised her I wouldn't tell a soul and, as far as she should know, I haven't." He stopped speaking for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "She loves you more than anything, Angel. Be good to her - she's going to be with you for a very long time, whether or not you crazy kids ever get to the point where you are making plans for the future."

Angel nodded, hardly noticing when Lorne got up and left the room. The cries across the hall had quieted, something for which he was grateful. He didn't want to hear Willow cry ever again. But, Lorne was right. He couldn't rush into this. Willow was exactly the type who would automatically assume he was just trying to be with her because he was thankful for what she had done. He needed to take it slow, seduce her and woo her the way any woman would like to be loved. It didn't matter that he already knew how she felt. He needed to make her see how he felt, and have her believe it with all of her heart before he told her he knew everything. He wondered how she had managed to live for so long sharing his emotions. It must have been unbearable at times. Searching his own mind, the vampire found the bond Lorne had spoken of, and opened his own senses to it, amazed at the ease with which it happened. He could feel Willow, now, feel her sadness and despair, and knew the first thing he should do in his crusade to win her heart.

Tell her what *really* happened with him and Buffy last night.

~*~*~

"Want to grab some dinner?"

Willow looked up, blinking in surprise at the man standing in front of her. She had thought for sure that he would be somewhere in the hotel, holed up with a phone, doing his own version of chattering on the phone with Buffy. She wondered briefly if he had decided to badger her more on the subject of what had happened that morning. But, no, he had promised her with all sincerity earlier that day that he wouldn't bring it up again if she didn't want him to.

And she didn't.

There was, after all, no way she could answer his questions about what had happened without giving away the entirety of her current situation. And that would undoubtedly damn both their souls to whatever torments the Powers had in store for little witches who broke pacts with their Goddesses. Her teeth worried at her lower lip until she bit herself too hard, bringing her crashing back to reality and the vampire waiting for an answer. She looked up at him, the confusion over his sudden desire to want to spend time with her waging a battle with the happiness that that was what he seemed to want. "Um. Sure?" Her answer was more of a question but when he nodded, apparently pleased, she felt a little better. Though why did he want to go to dinner with her? To talk about what happened last night with Buffy? She hoped not. It just wasn't a topic she wanted to discuss with him - not that night and probably not ever.

Angel smiled, offering his hand to her. He shivered inside as her skin touched against his, warring with himself to tell her how he felt at that moment. To not play the game he was about to start. But that wasn't possible. He couldn't rush into this - had to make her believe that she was loved not for what she'd done, but for who she was. The scent he associated with her the most, sweet vanilla, filled the air. It wasn't a perfume - she rarely wore that type of stuff. No, this was from the shampoo she used each morning when she showered. "Anything you're craving?"

'You. But I can't have that.' She thought sadly, giving him the brightest smile that she could manage. Lifting her shoulders in a shrug, the red head finally offered. "Chinese?"

"Great. Let's go." He offered her his arm, aching for her to be close to him. How was it that he had survived all these months having her only as a friend? Hadn't he always wanted this closeness, craved her touch? And now that he was so close to getting what he had unknowingly desired for so long, he could scarcely contain his excitement. He saw a moment of hesitation in her eyes. Had he been too forward? But then she shook her head, as if she had been having a conversation with herself, and slipped her arm through his. "There's a good place a couple blocks over. Wanna try there?"

Willow nodded, still reeling from the events of the past few minutes. After a few steps what he had said sunk in and she turned her head, giving him a confused look. "How do you know it's good, Angel? You don't. eat."

"I've heard Fred and Gunn talk about it. Fred's crazy for Chinese food." They stepped out into the night, the air still warm despite the sun having set hours before. Overhead a full moon shined down, giving much more light to see by than the dingy streetlights. They walked on, the silence stretching between them until Angel couldn't stand it any longer. It was more than apparent that she was unhappy, that him being around her made her unhappy. And he knew why. After all those long weeks he knew why she was sad.

And what time like the present to make things even a little better?

"So." He began, searching for the best words to say what needed to be said. The direct approach had always worked for him in the past and he hoped, as he opened his mouth to speak again, that it wouldn't fail him now. "Buffy and I -"

"Stop." Willow whispered, unable to contain her despair at hearing the words she had been dreading coming from his mouth. She blushed, realizing that she had spoken aloud something she had meant to keep quite private. How would she ever explain this away? The way she was going her entire secret would be out in the open soon, and it would be her own stupid fault. It was bad enough that Lorne knew, though he had given his word to not tell a soul and she trusted him. A promise was nothing to take lightly, after all. But what was going to stop her from giving herself away?

Angel had heard what she said and had stopped speaking, startled by the red head's brutal honesty. Why was this the first time that she had ever been so blunt? Why couldn't she have made her feelings clear earlier? Before he had a chance to make the mistake he had made the night before, even? "All I was going to say.." He began slowly, praying to whatever gods were listening that she would just let him finish what he had to say. He paused, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. She looked downright upset, depressed even. When the silence stretched out and he realized that she was going to let him speak his piece, he continued. "I was going to say that Buffy and I broke up last night. For good this time."

"Huh?" The former witch murmured, stopping dead in her tracks to look at him. "I'm - sorry?" She asked, unsure of how he wanted her to react to what he was saying, and confused as Hell by the statement to begin with. 'But last night was the night they.' "But." She stopped herself from saying aloud what she had just thought so privately. She couldn't ask him about that. Of course not. How would she possibly be able to explain knowing that he and Buffy had made love last night? Angel wasn't the type of person to blab about his romantic encounters so she knew for a fact that no one but him and Buffy knew what had happened. Unless Buffy had already run home and told someone, that was.

"There just wasn't anything there anymore." He continued. He grabbed at her arm, pulling at it until she began to walk again. They were only a few more yards from the all-night Chinese place and he could tell, by the way Willow was stumbling over her own feet, that she needed to sit down. "Neither one of us felt the same as we used to. There just wasn't anything there anymore." He stopped in front of the store, holding the door open for her. If he hadn't been so worried about her emotional state of mind, he would have found the utterly perplexed look on her face to be adorable.

As it was, he did anyway.

Willow was in a daze as she ordered her food, taking the tray from the woman behind the counter and sitting down as Angel paid for it. She took a bite of the lo mein, finding it to be tasteless. So was her soda. Nothing seemed to have any flavor to her. 'Sure sign of shock, my dear.' She sighed, closing her eyes. This was a reason to rejoice, wasn't it? Angel and Buffy were no longer with each other. That meant that she and Angel.

'Still have a lovely friendship. Which is all it will ever be. You are like his kid sister. See how he frets over you? Just like an older brother.' She frowned, staring down at her plate to avoid the worried gaze of the vampire sitting across the table from her. "I'm sorry to hear that, Angel." She said finally, tearing her eyes from the vegetables she had been staring holes into and looking up into his chocolate brown eyes. "I know how much the two of you wanted to make things work."

"I think we were trying to hard to recapture something that didn't exist, personally." He grinned. "Don't know if it ever existed, even. But that's not here or there. You're my friend and I wanted you to know. Now let's let it go." He reached across the table to take the hand that wasn't holding her fork, squeezing it gently. "I saw you working on that new program before we left. Any luck making it work?"

Willow shook her head, sighing inwardly at the change in conversation. It wouldn't do for her to seem too happy about what Angel had just told her, the things he had revealed. There was no love between him and Buffy? Maybe never had been? That boded well for her own future chances. Though, in that same breath he had also called her his 'friend' - which lent itself more to her own downward look on things than anything.' She finished chewing what was in her mouth and began to tell Angel about the program and how it would one day save them a lot of time with their research.

~*~*~

It took Willow three days to realize that she was, in fact, happy about Angel and Buffy breaking up. It was difficult to admit it to herself, at first, but then, as the idea grew on her, she found that it was definitely to her liking. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Angel to be happy, she most certainly did – that was the reason, after all, that she had condemned herself to a hell of solitary existence. No – she was happy about it for a purely selfish reason.

It meant that she still had a shot at her own happiness.

And, with the way Angel had been acting, it almost seemed as if she would get that happiness. He had been so kind and attentive to her since his breakup with Buffy. Taking her to dinner, out to the movies. It was almost too much. If she didn’t know him better she would say he was trying too hard. But that was just the type of uy that Angel was. He liked to spoil those he cared for. ‘Cared for?’ She asked herself, startled. Where had that come from? Did she really believe that Angel cared for her? ‘Well of course he does, silly. You are his friend, after all. It doesn’t mean anything other than that. Don’t read into it and get your heart broken.’

She pulled herself out of her thoughts, glancing at the clock. It was almost six. Time to get ready for another night of fun, fun, fun. Tonight’s entertainment consisted of prime seats at the ballet. She wasn’t too excited about the entire thing, but Angel was and that was all that mattered. It tickled her to see the vampire act like a giddy child over something. He had been so excited to get the tickets, telling her it would be the best time of her life. She only prayed it turned out better than the trip to the ballet he had taken with his staff only a few months before. She certainly wasn’t in the mood to deal with any wicked, jealous sorcerer’s tonight.

The red head pushed her work into a pile on her bed, stretching slowly before standing up. The dress hanging in her closet was new, a present from Angel, for their excursion tonight. It was a daring little number, something she never would have chosen for herself. The hunter green folds of the dress hung down low in the front, as if draped there by some fashion designer. It would show off more of her skin than she was normally comfortable with – but she couldn’t disappoint Angel and not wear it. It *was* beautiful. Just not very Willow-like. A slit on the left hand side of the dress would show most of her leg, all the way up to her upper thigh, if she wasn’t careful. But, oh, did it feel good when it was on, she acceded. The soft velvet and silk slipped over her skin like a million tiny fingers, caressing every inch they touched.

She would wear her hair up, she decided, sweeping the red locks back into a bun with a small clip. A few strands escaped, framing her face in delicate wisps. She rarely wore any makeup and tonight would not be an exception. Only the most minimal of foundation touched her skin, to even out any blotchiness that she may have. That was it. She was done. She dared a glance in the mirror of her vanity, smiling at what she saw. The dress made the most of what she had, that was for sure, and left relatively little to the imagination. ‘Still…I look pretty in that movie star sort of way, I guess. Like I’m ready to walk down the red carpet to accept an award or something.’

"Willow? Are you ready? We need to go if we’re going to get there on time."

The red head looked towards her bedroom door. "Just a second, Angel." She checked herself one more time in the mirror before grabbing at the lacy shawl on dresser, another present from Angel. The vampire himself had already left the hallway for the lobby by the time she walked out of her room, and she found herself in a situation very much like something one would see in a movie. Walking slowly down the stairs to the first floor, Willow had the fortune of seeing Angel’s head turn, as though in slow motion, to watch her descent. His eyes widened with surprise and something else she couldn’t name. Was it possible that he saw what she had hoped all along he would see? A pretty woman worth spending time with?

"You look…wonderful." He murmured when she at last reached his side. His hand came out to grab hers, squeezing gently before pulling her towards the hotel’s door. The show would be starting in half an hour. Barely enough time to get there and to their seats. It was worth it, though, to see Willow like this. So stunningly beautiful.

Tonight would be a special night.

~*~*~

It was difficult not to yawn during the ballet, Willow found. Not that the story wasn’t moving, beautiful even. It was just, well, ballet. Angel was enraptured, though. Just looking at his face was enough to make Willow smile, despite the fact that she was bored out of her mind. When the last note died away, the dancers taking their bows, she found herself joining the rest of the audience in a standing ovation – not because of the quality of the show, though. No, she stood because she was ecstatic that it was over.

"So – what did you think?" Angel asked, leading her out into the lobby of the theater.

"It was…"

"You were bored silly, weren’t you?" He teased. It had only taken him perhaps ten minutes into the show to realize that the boredom he was feeling was due to the link he had with the red haired woman next to him. He had still enjoyed the show but had made a mental note that ballets were probably not the best place to take her out on a date again. Not that Willow even realized this was a date. He was pretty sure that she assumed it was merely an excursion between really close friends. She would know differently by the end of the night if he had anything to say about it.

"Well…" She grinned. "I wasn’t going to say that. But since you did…yes. I was bored."

Angel laughed at the contrite look on her face, leading her through the lobby. The night air had turned crisp during the time they were in the theater and he saw her pull her shawl tighter around her. He pulled off the jacket of his suit, draping it around her shoulders. "That better?"

"Thank you. Much better." She breathed in, the jacket smelling like Angel. It put her in a happy place just to have something of his so close to her. They walked the rest of the way to the car in silence, his hand holding hers in a gesture which she only prayed was more than that of one friend to another. She didn’t want the night to end, but they weren’t that far from the hotel, and before she knew it they were walking back into the lobby. It was late and everyone else had already gone home, only a single light burning near the desk to give a little light.

"Thank you for a nice night, Angel."

"No need to thank me, Will." He murmured, stepping close enough to smell the sweet vanilla of the shampoo she used. "But, thank you for the company." Then, before she could move away or say another word, he leaned down, kissing her gently. She gasped in surprise but didn’t pull away, unintentionally deepening the kiss.

‘Wha --- Angel --- kissage --- oh my --- Goddess --- nice ---‘ Her brain babbled incoherently. Then his lips were gone and he was wishing her a good night, disappearing off upstairs. To his rooms, she guessed through a haze of delighted surprise and confusion. Her fingers came up to touch her lips. Not once in months had she felt this way, this alive, this happy. Green eyes looked upwards, both at Angel and to the Powers that lay somewhere much higher than that.

"Thank you."

And with that she made her way to her room. Despite the exciting end to the night she was tired and barely managed to take her dress off before collapsing onto the bed. She was asleep within seconds of her head hitting the pillow but somehow she knew before she abandoned herself to sleep that her dreams wouldn’t be nearly as sweet as reality had been that night.

~*~*~

Angel stared at the ceiling of his room, reveling in the emotions coming through the bond he shared with the red head across the hall. She was happy. Shocked. Excited. A little scared? It seemed like she was running the full gamut of emotions, in fact, leaving out only darker ones such as anger. He certainly had knocked her for a loop. It was tempting to go over there right at that moment and take her into his arms, to kiss her throughout the night. But that wasn’t what he wanted.

No – he wanted to leave her breathless and wanting. To make her see how much he wanted her before giving her everything he could tell she wanted and craved. Not that he thought that would take very long. At this rate he’d have her in his arms in only a matter of days. Maybe even less. He hoped less, anyway.

It had been difficult to just kiss her senseless and then leave her standing there. But it had been worth it. The sweet mix of emotions he was sharing with her in their bond was like the most exotic fruit – delicious and sweet. ‘Just like her.’ He thought, grinning. Could she feel this? His happiness? He didn’t doubt it for a second. But whether or not she was in state of mind to even realize what she was feeling? That was another story entirely. She would probably be up half the night replaying the scene in her head – not that he blamed her. He’d be doing the same thing. She had been so fragile-seeming in his arms, so delicate. Her lips were soft, like silk, and he longed to kiss them again.

‘All good things come to those who wait…’ He reminded himself, sliding out of bed. Maybe a little shower would help him get to sleep.

A cold shower, that was.

~*~

‘He kissed me.’

‘Me – Shy, computer-nerdy little Willow Rosenberg.’

‘Why?’

She heard the water start in the bathroom across the hall. Someone was taking a shower at this time of night? How odd. It wasn’t enough of a disturbance to keep her from her previous line of thoughts, though, and she found herself thinking of the moment in the lobby over and over again, as if her mind was nothing more than a broken VCR hopelessly stuck on one moment in a romantic movie where the heroine just found out the hero had a crush on her. She grabbed her pillow, pushing it against her face before screaming in happiness. She had fallen asleep almost immediately upon entering her room when they got home – but dreams of the night’s events had woken her up, breathless and desiring. It was enough to make her want to scream – which she had just done, so she decided to forgo that again.

It was one thing to be happy, she knew, quite another thing entirely to feel so utterly giddy that she could hardly sit still, could barely think, and most certainly couldn’t sleep. Her body tingled with remembrance of what had happened. Why had he kissed her? And why had he stopped? She paused for a moment. Had she not kissed good enough for him? Or had it been spur of the moment and a mistake on his part?

‘Or maybe he meant to do it and *meant* to leave you hanging like that – wanting like that. Stop being so damn negative all the time.’ She told herself, bringing the pillow down from her face and clutching it against her chest. She could no longer hear the sound of water coming from the bathroom. Whoever had gone in there must have only wanted to rinse off. Which meant the bathroom was free.

And a nice, relaxing bubble bath sounded good right about now; maybe then she could get some sleep.

~*~*~

Angel didn’t wake until late the next day, though Willow wasn’t aware of that. She sat nervously down in the lobby, making small talk with Cordelia, wondering if the vampire was, for whatever reason, avoiding her. Had he woken up this morning and realized that he had made a huge mistake the night before? That would be just her luck. Stupid vampire acting on his emotions and then regretting it.

But no, there was Angel, walking down the stairs and yawning as though he had just woken up. Their eyes met and Willow felt a warmth spread over her distinctly liken to embarrassment, though she was far from embarrassed. It was more like the feeling you get when you are really happy to see someone and not sure how happy they are to see you in return. She blushed outright, though, when he smiled at her. The look was far from innocent, full of meaning. Or – she thought it was. Maybe she was just reading into things? That could possibly have been a friendly smile, like the kind she would share with Cordelia.

Or… wait…nevermind – he had just winked at her. That certainly wasn’t an innocent gesture. She looked down at the table, vaguely aware that she had nothing in front of her to even act like she was reading. A rustle of cloth, creak of a chair, and there he was, sitting next to her. "G’morning, dear heart, sleep well?"

She shivered and glanced over at Cordelia. Sometime during Angel’s walk to the table the phone had rang and now the receptionist was talking animatedly with someone on the other end of the line. From what Willow could tell the brunette didn’t have the slightest idea of what was going on only a few feet away from her. Cordelia hadn’t noticed that Angel was sitting so close he was almost touching the red head, that he had leaned over so that his mouth was almost touching her earlobe. Willow blinked, trying to control the desire she was feeling for him. "Sleep…yes. Sleep was good." She stammered, turning to look at him.

And running right into his lips again.

This kiss was much quicker than the one the night before, he broke it off right after it began, sliding his chair back and away from her with a wink as Cordelia hung up the phone. "Who was that, Cordy?" He asked, as though nothing had happened between himself and Willow only moments before.

"Client. They’re coming in for a consultation in an hour. Something about her house being haunted. She’s bringing video." The receptionist laughed. Her eyes glanced over Willow. What had just happened to make the little red head go completely pink in the face. A sly look at her boss confirmed that something had, indeed, happened. He was too happy, like a cat who had just gotten into the cream. She smirked, grabbing her purse. It had been beyond her wildest hopes that Angel would get together with Willow after calling things off with Buffy. She had even been tempted to play matchmaker for the two of them. But that didn’t seem like it was going to be necessary. Not with the way Willow was casting hungry looks at Angel and the return winks he was throwing her. "I’m going to lunch. See you in an hour…or two…"

"But…" Willow protested, her exclamation falling on deaf ears as the door of the hotel shut behind Cordelia. "It’s only ten in the morning…" Her heart sped up as she realized she was all alone in the lobby with Angel. And he was sitting right next to her again, close enough to touch, to smell. To kiss?

Yep – those were his lips on the back of her hand. That was his voice pleading for her to turn around and look at him. "Wills…"

The red head turned then, confusion warring with pleasure, warring with a host of other emotions she didn’t care to name. What was going on? At what point had Angel decided to become her very own personal – very personal, that was – vampire? "Angel…not that I’m not loving every minute of this but…" She shrugged, letting her question die in the air, afraid on so many different levels of what the answer could be.

"Why?" Angel asked, quietly incredulous. "Have you looked at yourself lately? You’re beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, kind, caring – I could go on with the list all day long, in fact. You’re half the reason things with Buffy and me didn’t quite work out this time. She just didn’t measure up to what I had in my mind as an ideal woman." He took a moment to steady himself, steady the flux of emotions he was feeling from her before he continued, grasping her hand and squeezing it gently. "She didn’t measure up to *you*. I love you, Willow. Have loved you for quite a while. I’ve just been too scared to say anything. Scared I’d mess up the friendship we had."

"Love me?" Willow’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. "You love me? Love…" She shook her head, trying to clear the cobwebs that had suddenly taken up residence. "But…" She smiled finally, letting her happiness make its way to the fore of other emotions that really didn’t mean to terribly much. She reached out, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him to her so that she could kiss him. He was hers. All hers. After so many nights of crying herself to sleep, of praying for a way out of the misery she had unwittingly cast upon herself; he was hers. But… "What made you decide to suddenly tell me?"

Angel shook his head. "Uh uh. Before I tell you that you have to promise me something – you won’t hold anything against anyone I may or may not mention. You have to keep in mind that they were only doing what was best for you."

The red head nodded slowly, allowing him to gather her into his lap. She leaned against his chest, playing idly with the buttons of his shirt. His comment confused her and it didn’t immediately become clear what he meant until he spoke again.

"Two people played a part in getting me to make a move – Buffy … and Lorne."

~*~*~

Willow's mouth dropped open in surprise. "But.he promised." She shook her head, feeling anger rise up within in her despite what she had promised Angel about
not holding things against those people that had helped him with his own feelings. How could she *not* be angry with Lorne? A promise was a promise. How
could she ever trust him again. 'He should be lucky I gave up magick or else he might wake up as a pink skinned demon or.or.worse - a red and white striped
demon. Candy cane anyone?'

The outrage on Willow's face was almost enough to make Angel cringe away from her. Instead he pulled her closer, hugging her tighter. "Do you blame him, love? If he hadn't told me we might still be where we were a week ago - you miserable and me the same, too scared to take what I wanted." He kissed her lightly on her neck, his lips nibbling delicate lines up and down the creamy white skin. She shivered in his arms despite her anger and he smiled, doubling his efforts.

"Stop that." The red head whispered, closing her eyes. "Hard to stay angry with Lorne if you.are.doing.that.." She broke off into an unintelligible moan, tilting her head to the side to give him better access to her neck. She didn't worry for one second that she was sitting there baring her neck to a vampire, to one of the most cruel vampires in all of history, no less; she trusted him with her life. "So." She murmured, trying desperately to regain her thoughts. "You know.about." She paused. What if Lorne hadn't told him that much? Hadn't told him about the bond and the pact she had made with the Powers? Wouldn't it be giving it away to ask him if he knew about it?

"I know it all, dear one." His voice was soft, full of emotion. "I know what you did to give me my soul. I know what you gave up and how you've suffered. I know about the bond." He smiled. "I don't know how I managed to not feel it all that time - it's hard to ignore it now that I know."

"It is pretty powerful." She admitted. Now his hands were on her legs, squeezing her thighs gently. It seemed as if she was about to get everything she had wanted all at once. But that's not how she wanted things. She wanted romance, slow nights of making out for hours and then going to be frustrated and wanting. She wanted to be -ready- when it was finally time, both mentally and emotionally.

And she just wasn't there yet.

"Do you care about me because it's really what you feel? Or because of what I did for you? I don't want your pity. That's why I made Lorne promise. I didn't want you to do anything out of appreciation."

Angel sighed, placing two fingers beneath her chin and exerting pressure until she turned to look at him. "I knew I loved you the night Buffy and I broke up. She guessed it, even - made me admit my feelings for you before she'd let me leave the hotel." He broke off, his eyes registering pain at the sudden flood of emotions coursing through their bond. "Oh, darling. I'm sorry. I should never have. I just needed to know that it was over between her and I - that there could never be anything else. I knew the second we began that it wasn't going to work. I kept looking up at her face and trying to imagine someone else was there." He sighed, shutting his eyes and trying to force down the tears he could feel forming.

"It's okay, Angel." Willow said at last, wiping a tear from his cheek. "I won't say that it didn't hurt or doesn't still hurt - because it does. I love you. The though of you with another woman makes me want to hurl myself off of the tallest building. Though, from what I understand, that wouldn't do anything other than bang me up really bad for a few days. I'd probably even get up and walk away."

"How do you feel about that?" Angel couldn't help but ask. She was immortal - more so than he was, even. Nothing could hurt her except his death. She would achieve her own humanity back only when he had earned his. Had she really been prepared for that when she had made the deal to anchor his soul. "About not
being able to die?"

The former witch shrugged. "It's hard to think about it. Things like what happened in the kitchen the other week scare me. No matter how deep I'm cut, how hard I'm hit - I'll just bounce back better than ever. I'm going to get to watch all of my friends grow old and die. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't scary. But," She paused, looking him fully in the eyes. "I don't regret it for a minute. Giving you back your soul was the single greatest thing I have ever done, next to bringing Buffy back from the dead."

"And giving me my soul back to begin with - don't forget that." He teased, rubbing her arm in reassurance. "You're special, Will, there's no doubt about that. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. You give without thinking of the consequences to yourself. All that has ever mattered to you is to make everyone around you happy."

She snorted. "Yeah right. I took Dawn to Rack's place without a thought about anyone but myself. I was selfish and almost got her killed."

"And you haven't touched magick since then, right?" He prompted, giving her an admonitory glance. "You've been a paragon of magickal virtue, even. Haven't you
atoned for your one, tiny sin? I've got enough atoning to do for both of us, believe me. Why don't you let it go? Buffy doesn't hate you. She mentioned that she misses you, even. Xander does too. You've barely called them since you came to live here."

"It's just hard." She sighed. "It was hard being around them every day after it first happened. And then, when I moved here, it was the perfect excuse to not have to deal with it anymore. But you're right. No more hiding. It's time to move on." She felt his hands on her back again and sighed in pleasure. This was heaven - being in Angel's arms, feeling him touch her, caress her. She was the luckiest girl in the world. When she turned their lips met, sending off sparks in her head and heart. His tongue dove into her mouth, exploring its depth, before meeting with her tongue. She moaned softly, feeling his hands on her thighs again.

"Angel." She panted softly, pulling back from him, her eyes glazed with lust. "I want to.believe me, I do.but not yet. Soon.."

The vampire smiled, shaking his head ever so slightly. "You are amazing, Willow. I can wait until you are ready - I've waited this long, after all."

"Good." She smiled, sliding off of his lap and grabbing his hand. She pulled him to his feet and gestured towards the staircase. "Until then we can just go upstairs and.kiss.and touching is nice too."

"Touching?" He leered, grabbing at her butt.

And Willow's squeals echoed through the lobby of the hotel, a sure sign that everything would, indeed, be all right.

~*~The End~*~

Send Feedback: druscilla@cox.net