Title: Our Insurance Doesn't Cover This
Author: Ash
Email: ashj@sympatico.ca
Site: http://xanadu-dreams.com
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy characters, the Trading Spaces
characters own themselves, I love them all and mean no harm. *g*
Feedback: Dear god, yes. Have I lost my mind? Well, yes. Apparently I
have.

Note: Written in response to a challenge by Jinni:

Willow redecorates Spike's Crypt. Spike redecorates Willow's room. What can
they accomplish with an interior designer and a budget of a measly $1000?

Part One

(Scene opens on a moonlit cemetery. Paige Davis, a tall slender woman with
swinging hips and a wide white smile, is walking slowly towards the camera.
Her jeans come up to five inches below her hips, her shirt comes down an
inch below her breasts, her smile comes down to several inches below her
chin.)

Paige: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the first annual Halloween
episode of Trading Spaces! We're coming to you live from beautiful
Sunnydale, California! Now I know what you guys are thinking (she spreads
her hands) - if this is California, where's all the sun? Well, in
Sunnydale, it's all about the night life! When the sun goes down, this town
comes alive. so to speak. and the locals come out to play!

(Cut to the living room of Buffy's house. Willow and Anya are sitting on
the couch, looking at the camera and carefully not touching each other)

Paige: (voice over) Our first team is Willow and Anya, who are hoping that
our designers can give Willow's bedroom a much needed makeover.

(Cut to a shot of Willow's new bedroom, which is filled with candles and
various mystic paraphernalia, as well as several large framed photographs of
Willow and Tara together. As the camera pans over the room, one of the
pictures winks at the camera.)

Willow: It's not a bad room, really.

Anya: It's a dump.

Willow: It's just that I'm not really into magic anymore -

Anya: She tried to end the world, you know. And she wrecked my store!

Willow: Besides, I'm. trying to get over someone. And I can't do that with
all those things there.

Anya: It was a very nice store. It was making money, which I could use to
buy food, and shoes. (she looks down at her feet) I hate these shoes.

Willow: There's always something there to remind me.

Anya: (looks concerned) You're not going to sing again, are you? (She
looks at the camera) Don't let her sing.

(Cut to Spike's crypt. Xander and Spike are sitting on the lid of the
coffin, looking miserable.)

Paige: Our second team, Xander and Spike, are hoping that we can help them
bring Spike's drab crypt to life, more or less!

(Cut to a revolving shot of the crypt. It's. empty. Very empty. There's
the coffin, there's the TV, there's the chair, that's about it. There's a
few empty bottles scattered around.)

(Cut back to Xander and Spike)

Spike: Look, I don't want much, okay? No poncey window treatments! I just
want it to look homey enough so that people will know it's occupied.

Xander: Do me a little favor, she said. You left me at the altar, she said.
(shakes his head in a dazed fashion)

Spike: A big sign that says, "Beware of the vampire!" would be nice. (he
thinks) Maybe some bear traps, too. Anything to keep people away.

Xander: And then, just like that (snaps his fingers) I'm agreeing to spend
the weekend with Spike.

Spike: Four times last week, I woke up with some dead guy just dumped on
top of me! Not pleasant, that's all I'll say.

Xander: Yeah, that's what I hear from Buffy.

Spike: *Now* you listen?

Xander: Mocking you is the only way I'm going to survive this weekend.

Spike: Wouldn't count on it.

(Cut back to Paige in the cemetery. Her smile looks a little forced.)

Paige: Helping our teams put the super back in supernatural are our
designers, Doug and Hildi, and our carpenter, Amy Wynn, who knows a thing or
two about how to deal with monsters!

(The camera swings over to show Hildi pointing a stake at Doug, or rather
away from Doug - she's holding it the wrong way. Doug is holding his hands
up in front of him to ward her away, but it looks like he's trying not to
laugh. Amy Wynn is sitting on a tombstone nearby and whittling another
stake out of a short piece of wood.)

(Cut to the key swap. Willow and Anya are in the blue shirts, Spike and
Xander in the red shirts. Everyone looks very uncomfortable. Paige looks
oblivious.)

Paige: All right, everybody! You'll be working with the designers to
completely transform the look of each others' home, but remember! You only
have *two days* and a thousand dollars each! (she lifts her eyebrows) It'
s going to be murder.

Xander: Ha.

Willow: Um.

Anya: But not in the literal sense, of course. Because we - I mean, three
of us - don't do that. Anymore.

Spike: Speak for yourself, why don't you?

Paige: (bright fixed smile, she hands them the keys) All right, let's get
started!

(The two teams leave at an unhurried pace.)

Paige: (looks straight at the camera) This is going to be *fun*!

(Cut to Xander and Spike walking up the walk towards Buffy's house.)

(Cut to Willow's room. Doug is sitting on the floor, looking around. There
are paint cans sitting next to him.)

(Xander and Spike walk in, not smiling.)

Doug: Hi, there. Xander, Spike, come join me, will you?

Xander: Sure. (sits down on the floor next to Doug.)

(Spike rolls his eyes and remains standing, although he does attempt to lean
against a dresser in a threatening and dashingly evil fashion. It doesn't
work. No one can look evil in a Trading Spaces smock. Seriously. Try it.)

Doug: (looks sly) I'd like to get your opinion on what we should do in the
room, even though my mind is already made up and nothing you or anyone can
say will change it.

Xander: (blinks) That's. surprisingly forthright.

Doug: Oh, I'm tired of lying about it. (he takes a deep breath) Besides,
there's something about this town. There's a fantastic energy here, don't
you find? So refreshing.

Spike: Yeah, right. Like a trip to the seaside.

Doug: (sighs) I feel like I've come home.

(Xander and Spike exchange meaningful looks)

Doug: Now, tell me your ideas for the room.

Xander: I'd like to see something fresh and. I don't know, girly. (he waves
at all the candles and dark wood) This is just too dark for Willow.

Spike: Too dark? She nearly destroyed the world!

Xander: The key word there is 'nearly'.

Spike: Right, like *attempted* homicide.

Xander: No, like nearly killing all of us, like nearly attacking Buffy,
like nearly torturing people to death. Are you sure you want to be throwing
stones there, Mr. Second Chances poster boy?

Spike: But I'm still dark, y'see. Just redeemed.

Xander: Are you kidding me? *I'm* darker than you at this point. I'm
amazed you still have the guts to wear black. You should be wearing
something a little more penitent, don't you think? Maybe hang out in an
alley and eat rats for a century or two. You could leave right now. Send
us postcards, okay? Or not.

Spike: How about I send y-

Doug: (breaks in) Uh huh, those are all interesting ideas, Xander. Spike?
How about you?

(There's a pause. You can almost hear the screech as Spike's brain switches
tracks.)

Spike: I think we should go a whole other way here, Doug. Sure, Red may
seem all butter-wouldn't, but we all know there's a wild streak hiding under
those ungodly layers of clothes. Let's do something to encourage her not to
hide who she is, maybe buy some leather pants, maybe a bustier, maybe a
couple of whips (he's staring off into the distance now), maybe even put in
some built handcuffs over the beds, you know, something really classy.
Custom.

Xander: Ew. And also, no.

Doug: All right, then! I'm glad to have your input, and I hope that by
saying that, you won't notice that I'm now going to completely disregard
your opinions!

Xander: Fair enough.

Spike: (to Doug) You know, you remind me of someone.

Xander: Anya?

Spike. Yeah.

Xander: Thank god, it's not just me.

Doug: (claps his hands) Enough chit chat! Let's get this room cleared!

(Fast montage of room clearing. Doug spends a little time doing a scarily
accurate ballet move across the room. Xander moves things quickly out
without looking at the camera. Spike waits until he's alone in the room and
then starts pitching things out the window.)

(Cut to Spike's crypt. Hildi is lying on the coffin top, her hands folded
across her chest, a lily in her hands. She appears to have fallen asleep.)

(Anya and Willow enter, looking around.)

Willow: So this is Spike's place. Cosy!

Anya: (seeing Hildi) Oh! Another vampire is trying to steal Spike's crypt!
(she pulls a stake from her purse and starts to move towards Hildi.)

(Willow catches her arm.)

Willow: No! Anya, it's -

Anya: (rolls her eyes) Wrong to kill, blah blah blah, I know all that,
silly. (she looks at Willow pityingly) I sat through the same
instructional video you did. But sometimes it's okay, remember? The part
where Ms. Whitehat got to disembowel Mr. Meanyface?

(Willow looks ill.)

Anya: (seriously) It was unfortunate that they did it as a cartoon. I
blame Xander for giving up creative control.

Willow: The eyes were just so.big.

Anya: Maybe we should buy Giles some art lessons. Or, cut off his hands!
No, wait. That would be wrong, too. (her eyes gleam) But I can still
kill *her*! (She starts advancing on Hildi again.)

(Willow grabs her again.)

Anya: (looks annoyed) Willow, you have to stop doing that or I won't be
able to kill the vampire.

Willow: Good!

Anya: Look, I know the rules. And I'm definitely allowed to kill vampires.
Unless they're handsome, or sleeping with Buffy. (she looks at Hildi and
her eyes narrow) She's not sleeping with Buffy, is she?

Willow: No. But -

Anya: Is she sleeping with you?

Willow: Really, really no. Would you just -

Anya: All right then. Now, cease impeding me in the course of my duties
as. someone who hasn't gotten to kill anyone in a really, really long time
and darn it, look at her shoes! Why does the vampire have nicer shoes than
I do?

Willow: Maybe because she's *not a vampire*!

Anya: (pouts) Is too!

Willow: Is no- Okay, I'm not doing that.

Anya: So I can kill her?

Willow: No. She's. she's. she's a good vampire. Like Angel. Or Sp- Like
Angel.

Anya: (looks unconvinced) Really? How did she get her soul back?

Willow: . She... She. she was given her soul back by a tribe of, um, mages.
A wandering tribe of mages. A wandering, ancient tribe of mages with, um,
with no sense of interior design! Yes! And from that time forward, she's
tried to make up for her wrongs by redecorating the tasteless rooms of the
world!

Anya: (skeptically) Like penance?

Willow: Right! Penance! But with, you know, paint. And fabric. And
sometimes hay.

Anya: Oh, okay.

Willow: Okay?

Anya: I've heard about people like this.

Willow: You mean there actually are -? You know what, never mind. Let's
get the room cleared before she wakes up.

(Fast montage of room clearing. It appears to take about ten minutes, five
of which are taken up with Willow wrestling the stake away from Anya and
hiding it in the bushes outside the crypt.)

(Cut to commercial. The bumper into commercial shows Amy Wynn and Hildi
dressed up as witches, stirring a large bubbling pot. A hand comes up out
of the boiling green water, looking frighteningly realistic. Amy Wynn
smacks it down with a spoon. Doug walks by in the background carrying
something large and black and spiky.)

(Commercials)

Part Two

(Cut back from commercial. The bumper shows Paige, Amy Wynn and some
anonymous crew members wandering around the graveyard. They're cupping
their hands to their mouths as if calling for someone. The camera is
knocked to the ground and dissolves into static.)

(Cut to Spike's crypt. The room is clear, which basically means that they'
ve moved the chair and the TV. Drop cloths are covering the floor. Willow
and Anya are sitting on the floor next to each other, looking at Hildi. )

Hildi: Thanks for clearing the room, guys! Now we can really get started!
This room is going to be all about -

(Paige walks in)

Paige: Hey! Have you guys seen Mark the cameraman? He's missing. (She
looks around the room and frowns, putting her hands on her hips.) And what'
s going on here, a picnic?

(Hildi rolls her eyes)

Anya: (to Willow) I like her. She's tiny and abrupt. And underdressed!
(She nudges Willow meaningfully. Willow looks horrified.)

(Paige's smile freezes and she blinks several times.)

Hildi: (blissfully ignorant) Don't start with me, Paige! We're well ahead
of schedule, thanks to my *wonderful* team!

Paige: (looks away from Anya, who is tilting her head towards Willow
significantly and raising her eyebrows) I, um, I don't know. (she shakes
her head) I don't see any paint on the walls. But I do see. is that mold?
And. moss? Hildi! How are you going to paint over that?

Hildi: I'm not. (she spreads her arms) Those walls are the whole
inspiration for my room. This room is going to be all about. gothic.

(Willow and Anya look at each other.)

Willow: Are you sure?

Anya: We thought you might want to do something in pastels.

Willow: Something with chintz.

Anya: And those tiny pillows that serve no purpose!

Willow: Oh, Spike would *love* those!

(Paige looks at them skeptically. Hildi's smile doesn't change.)

Hildi: Well, he'll love this design, too. Right? Are you with me?

Willow: ... Yes.

Anya: (very earnestly) Perhaps we can compromise. I look forward to
sharing my opinion with you repeatedly and insistently.

Paige: That's the spirit!

Hildi: (narrows her eyes) Now, let me tell you what we're going to do. We
can't paint the walls, and we can't hang wallpaper, so we're going to make
them the focal point. Think... dungeon meets postmodernism.

(Willow looks confused. Anya nods seriously. Paige looks like she's
trying not to grin.)

Hildi: (continues) We're going to be bringing in some major pieces of
furniture, doing a large art projects, and introducing elements from other
parts of the house.

Paige: Crypt.

Hildi: (ignores her) We've got a lot to do, so let's get started! The
first thing we're going to have to do is install a light fixture.
Otherwise, it's going to get very dark very fast. Willow? Find out where
he had that TV plugged in. Anya? Go ask Amy Wynn when our first piece
will be done. Paige?

Paige: Yes?

Hildi: Go see what Doug's doing.

****

(Cut to Paige standing out in the graveyard again in front of a freshly dug
grave. She has a wide smile on her face.)

Paige: Mold? Moss? (laughs) Maybe we should have gotten Genevieve for
this one!

(She starts to walk towards the camera. Behind her, a pair of hands comes
up through the dirt.)

Paige: Whoever the designer, it's going to be a rough two nights trying to
make that crypt, well. fit for the living!

(A vampire's head follows the hands. He has dark brown hair, although that
might just be the dirt, and he's already in game face. He spots Paige and
growls.)

Paige: And what about Doug? The last time I went over there, he slammed the
door in my face! (she pauses) Actually, that's not really unusual for
Doug.

(The vampire is fully out of the ground now, and stalking towards Paige.
His yellow eyes catch the soft spotlight that's fixed on Paige.)

Paige: Maybe it's the California air, maybe it's standing on the mouth of
hell, but either way! (she grins) It's going to be a hell of a show!

(The vampire grabs her by the shoulder)

(Paige whirls, eyes wide and her mouth open to scream.)

Vampire: Grrr!

Paige: EEEEE!

Vampire: GRR- wait, Paige? Paige Davis?

Paige: EEEEE-uh?

Vampire: (looks at the camera) I *love* this show! (looks around) Is
Vern here? Vern?

(Buffy steps into the shot, wearing an outfit only slightly more practical
than the one Paige is wearing. She ignores the camera.)

Buffy: That's right, Vern. He's over at the other house. C'mon, I'll show
you.

Paige: (softly) Is that a vampire?

Vampire: Great! (looks at the camera and makes a victory sign) You're
awesome, Vern! Don't worry, I'll make it quick! Diane, by the time you see
this, I'll have turned Vern. *Vern!* You're going to be so proud of me,
mom!

Buffy: Sire.

Vampire: What?

Buffy: The person who makes you a vampire is called a sire.

Paige: Seriously, is that a vampire?

Vampire: I know that. She's *also* my mom. What do you think I am,
stupid?

Buffy: (shakes her head) No, of course not. Come on. Let's go see Vern.

(She leaves the shot, followed by the grinning vampire.)

Paige: (looks right at the camera) That was a vampire.

Cameraman Mark: (from behind the camera) Yep.

****

(Cut to Willow's room. The room has been cleared, there are drop cloths
all over the floor and Doug is nowhere in sight. Xander and Spike are
painting the walls a dark color.)

Xander: All I'm saying is that it isn't fair.

Spike: Life isn't fair, princess. (slaps the roller onto the wall)

Xander: I didn't even know they made Trading Spaces smocks in leather!
(paints evenly and slowly)

Spike: Yeah, well, that's not really a shock, is it? Could fill the Royal
Library with what you don't know.

Xander: (still rolling evenly) Think so? I know one thing.

Spike: Oh? And what would that be?

Xander: *You're* going to have splotches.

(Spike rolls his eyes)

(There's a long pause where they do nothing but paint. Spike seems to be
being a little more careful now.)

Xander: Say, what color do you think this is?

Spike: Green.

Xander: Really? I'd have said gold.

Spike: Wait a tick, now it looks black.

Xander: Purple.

(They both stop painting and step back from the walls. They look at it
thoughtfully.)

Xander: You know, as a connoisseur of creepy, I would have to say that this
color is. creepy.

Spike: That's the technical term, is it?

Xander: (defensively) Well, I dumbed it down a little so that you could
follow me. Technically, a color like this would be referred to as: really,
really, really, creepy. (He grins) Or, as Willow used to call it,
'Cordelia creepy'. (nostalgic pause) Good times.

Spike: (cocks his head to one side, still looking at the wall) Funny you
should say that. I was just thinking that the tint reminds me of this girl
I knew once.

Xander: I'm not going to ask.

(pause)

Xander: (hopefully) Her eyes were this color?

Spike: Nah. Other bits.

Xander: (starts to knock his head against the wall but stops just before
his hair touches the paint) Why, oh *why* don't I ever listen to me? Don'
t ask Spike questions. Don't leave Anya at the altar. Don't eat that last
fudge bar. It'd be one thing if I was a masochist, you know. At least
then I could *enjoy* the pain.

Spike: So sure you're not? (raises his eyebrows) That's always been my
theory. Exhibit one: Cordelia. Exhibit two: Anya. Exhibit three.
Yeah, I don't think I need to go on. We could prove it, o' course.

Xander: (warily) How?

Spike: (smiles slowly) I'm thinking some whips, some chains, some razors.
we could clear this right up. Take a load off your mind.

(Xander stares at him.)

Doug: (offscreen) I hear talking, but I don't hear painting!

Xander: Isn't he-

Spike: Downstairs. Yeah.

Xander: And how did he hear-

Spike: Don't know.

Xander: Should we be worried?

(Spike shrugs in a way that implies that he was torturing people a hundred
years before television was invented, Doug doesn't scare him one bit, and he
could rip Doug into ten roughly equal-sized pieces but chooses not to for
the moment. He freezes in mid-shrug.)

Xander: What?

(Spike slaps the roller against the wall quickly.)

Spike: (hisses) He's coming up the stairs!

(Xander smiles, then grins, then starts to laugh)

(Sound of footsteps in the hallway)

Xander: Eep. (He starts rolling out the paint on the walls. Spike
smirks.)

(Doug enters the room. He's dressed all in black, and is smiling. Really,
really smiling. His smile is twice the size of his face.)

Doug: Why is the window closed? (He crosses to the window and throws it
open, letting in a gust of wind that blows Xander's smock up into his face.
Spike's leather smock is undisturbed.)

Xander: I've gone blind! (The smock falls away from his eyes, leaving him
face to face with the wall. He makes a strangled noise in his throat and
stares.)

Spike: You want to paint something, mate? Walls not going to paint itself.

Xander: (still staring at the wall) Bet?

Doug: (looks at them and his smile drops away) Don't close the window
again. (He blinks and the smile is back) So what do you think of the
color?

Xander: Does the phrase 'terrifying beyond all reason' mean anything to
you?

Spike: Maybe if we saw the plans for the room.

Doug: (laughs merrily) Oh, we don't need to do that. It's not like you
have any say in it, right? Although, now that we're on the subject, if you
could pick a fight with me in about an hour, that'd be great. I need to be
off the set for a while.

Xander: Couldn't you just leave?

Spike: No problem, Doug.

(Doug's smile gets broader as he smiles at Spike. Spike takes a step
back.)

Doug: Thank you, Spike. (He pulls a small can out of the bag and puts it
down on the drop cloths.) You should be getting to the trim soon, and I
want you to use this color, okay?

Xander: O-

Doug: And don't close the window. (He leaves, and takes his smile with
him. Or maybe it's the other way around.)

Xander: (finishes) Kay. (He looks at Spike.) *Now* should we be worried?

Spike: Just keep painting.

Xander: (frowns) And that's another thing. Since when are you Mr.
Agreeable?

Spike: Don't know what you're talking about.

Xander: (mimics Spike, which filtered through Xander sounds an awful lot
like Kermit the frog.) 'No problem, Doug. oh, maybe if we saw the plans,
Doug. Doug, did you get the fan letters I sent you? They were the ones with
the bloodstains and the little hearts over the I's?'

Spike: Shut it.

Xander: (still in the Kermit voice) Ooh, Doug. (breaks off when he catches
sight of the paint can Doug left behind.) Hey, Spike?

Spike: (without looking around) Right. I'm getting the razors.

Xander: Did you look at this paint can?

Spike: (turns around and pauses) Huh.

Xander: It's very shiny, isn't it? (cocks his head to one side) Is...
all that... normal?

Spike: Don't know, do I? You know how it is... between murdering and
ending the world and plotting to kill you and all your friends, there never
seemed to be the time for decorating.

Xander: (still staring) The curse of the modern vampire, trying to have it
all. Blood. Vengeance. Window treatments.

Spike: Actually, now that I think about it, Dru once did something along
those lines.

Xander: (can't seem to look away from the can, which is still off screen)
Oh yeah?

Spike: (thoughtfully) Yeah. Took her three prostitutes and the contents of
a pet store. (shakes his head) She's a stickler for detail, my Dru.

Xander: (absent-mindedly) Mmm. Anya too.

(Spike looks at Xander. Xander looks at the can. Spike looks at the
camera. Xander looks at the can. Spike looks back at Xander. Xander
looks at the can.)

Spike: Right, that's it. I'm getting a smoke. (He stalks out of the
room, the leather smock snapping around him.)

(Close up on Xander, looking at the can.)

(The bumper to commercial shows Paige climbing into a coffin. Doug runs
quickly into frame and slams the lid of the coffin shut, then runs away.
Sounds of banging and muffled shouts.)

(Cut to commercial.)