Title: The Longest Death Match Ever
Author: Ash (hi. :)
E-Mail:
aka_jay66@hotmail.com
Feedback: Oh, how I love it... let me count the ways. No, we don't have
that kind of time. *g*
Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. I own nothing and mean no harm.
***
Willow looked up at the heavens imploringly and said, "What have I done to deserve this?"
"Ooh!" said Fred happily. "I know!"
Willow looked at her and saw that yes, in defiance of all laws of etiquette, Fred's hand was raised. She sighed. "Good, Fred. Very good. You get an A-plus."
Fred beamed. Gunn smiled at her.
Cordelia snickered.
Willow turned on her. "Do you have anything to add, Cordy? Any sage words of wisdom from the powers that be? Don't be shy!"
"Actually," Cordelia said, "I was thinking about how much Fred reminds me of you. You know, when you were younger. And annoying." She paused. "More annoying."
"Kick me while I'm down, why don't you?" Willow said bitterly. "It's all right, I can take it. I'm a masochist, you know. Yeah. This innocent college student thing? All an act."
"Doesn't surprise me," Gunn said. Willow glared at him and he held up both hands as if to ward her off. "All I'm saying is that if you bring home someone like *that*, you must have hidden depths. And I do mean depths."
"The scary kind," Fred put in.
"There's nothing *wrong* with Logan!" Willow said emphatically. "He's just. a little rough around the edges."
"Oh honey," Cordelia said with pity in her voice. "The man is all edge."
"In more ways than one," Gunn said, looking out into the courtyard. The rest of them went over to look.
"Claws!" Fred said. "He has *claws*!"
"So what?" Willow said stubbornly.
"So what?" Fred echoed. She waved at the courtyard. "Claws!"
"We all see the claws, Fred," Cordelia said.
"Well, it's fascinating!" Fred said. "Where do you think they retract to? Or are they like gloves? Maybe it's some kind of skinwalker ritual? Taking the paws of a clawed animal and enchanting them?"
"Duck!" Gunn called, then relaxed. "Ah. Missed him."
Willow gave him a look. "Stay out of this," she said. "He doesn't need your help."
"Which one?"
"Both of them!" Willow said. Her shoulders slumped. "Oh damn. What am I going to do?"
"You could make popcorn," Cordelia suggested.
There was a pause.
"What?" Cordelia said. "Come on, I can't be the only one who thinks this is just the tiniest bit romantic."
"That's sick," Gunn said.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Please. When Willow and Pointy Man - "
"Logan!" Willow said.
"- Logan walked through the door together and Angel saw them? The look in his eyes? That was a romance novel moment right there. Which is nice, because normally we only get the horror novel ones. Walls bleeding."
"Voices in our heads." Gunn admitted.
"Scary stuffed animals." Fred added, then smiled nervously when everybody looked at her. "That may be just me."
There was a loud thump and they looked back to the courtyard.
"Ouch," Willow said. "I thought that bench was bolted down."
"It *was*," Cordelia said. "I hope your love life came with a good insurance policy."
"I have to admit," Fred said slowly, "when Logan's voice got all gruff and he said, 'She's mine now, demon,' with that snarl thing?" She giggled. "That gave me the whim whams."
Cordelia pointed a finger at Willow. "That was a smile! You smiled!"
"What?" Willow said. "I did not!"
"Yeah, you did," Gunn said. "Hate to admit it, but Cordelia's right. You're digging this whole thing, aren't you?"
"No, no, no. okay, yes." Willow sighed. "I can't help it. Just look at them!"
They looked.
"Hey, where'd Angel's shirt go?" Fred asked. "Oh, there it is."
"Where?" Gunn asked.
"Under the bench. And over by the fountain. And that's a piece of it up by the third floor window, I think."
"Ah." Gunn said. "When do you think they're going to give up?"
Cordelia checked her watch. "Well, there's about five more hours until dawn. So I'd say.never. Oh yes, Angel. Throw him against the wall again. I'm sure it'll work *this* time." She shook her head. "Idiot."
"What about Pointy Man?" Gunn said defensively. "Isn't this around the fifth time he's tried to choke Angel?"
"Twelfth," Fred said. "I count things."
"When did my boyfriend become the Pointy Man?" Willow wondered aloud.
"I think that's a question you should be asking *him*," Cordelia said in a voice dripping with innuendo. "Later."
Willow blinked. "What does that mean?"
"You're hopeless, Willow," Cordelia said. "Two hot guys fighting over you and you can't even pick up a double meaning."
"That wasn't a double meaning," Willow said. "That was a single meaning."
"And an icky one, too," Fred agreed.
"I'd say it was about half a meaning," Gunn said.
"Don't let Pointy Man hear you say that," said Fred and giggled.
"Hopeless," Cordelia said. "All of you. But what I really want to know is when Willow and Angel became an item. Here I am, prophet of prophets, and that slips by me? The Powers really need to check their priorities."
"Yeah," Gunn said. "Because why should they warn you about demon attacks when there's office gossip to be had?"
"Exactly!" Cordelia said. "Yes, I know that was sarcasm and still? Don't care. So, Willow, when did it happen? Give us all the details."
"Please don't," Gunn said without much hope.
Willow shrugged. "Not much detail to be had. It was just a few things while he was training me. And then again when we were fighting the Kazaer demon. Oh, and when he lost his soul again."
"What?" Cordelia said. "When did he lose his soul again?"
"Whoops. Forget I said that, okay?" Willow said. There was a particularly loud crash in the courtyard and she winced.
"Not likely," Fred said. "When - ?"
"How?" Cordelia said.
"Look!" Willow said. "Now Logan's shirt is gone too."
They looked.
"Hello?" Gunn said. "Ladies? Loss of soul?"
"You know," Cordelia said dreamily. "Those claws are starting to grow on me."
"They're both so... shiny," Fred said.
"Mmm."
"The evil that walks among us?" Gunn tried again.
"Do you think they'll kiss?" Fred said. "Because that would be pretty."
"They might," Cordelia said. "Oh, there goes another wall. Why does Angel *do* that?"
"Well," Willow said, "he's from an old-fashioned time. Back when you had to kill people by throwing them into walls over and over again."
"Remember? Angelus?" Gunn said. "He kills, he stalks, he send the world into hell? *That* Angelus? Looks a bit like Elvis?"
"Thirteen times now," Fred said.
"Again with the choking," Willow sighed.
Cordelia shook her head. "Not exactly a battle of wits out there, is it?"
"Well, they *have* been fighting over Willow for over six hours," Fred pointed out. "That'd befuzzle anybody."
"Oh no!" Gunn said loudly. "Angelus! Run!"
"In the beginning they were fighting over me," Willow said. "Now I think they're just fighting to see who'll last longer."
"Ten bucks on Angel," Cordelia said.
Willow looked out at the courtyard appraisingly and said, "I'll take that bet."
They shook on it.
"Can I bet that they'll kiss?" Fred said hopefully.
"No."
"He's here to kill our women and rape our cattle!" Gunn said loudly.
The women looked at him.
Gunn looked slightly sheepish. "Oh, *now* you pay attention?"
"You're silly, Charles," Fred said affectionately.
"Stay here and watch while we go get popcorn, okay?" Cordelia said, heading towards the kitchen. "Call me when Angel wins."
"And don't interfere or you'll have to cover the bets," Willow said over her shoulder, following Cordelia. "Call *me* when Logan wins."
Fred started to follow them, but then scampered back and whispered, "Call *me* if it looks like they're going to kiss!" She kissed him swiftly on the mouth and then ran after the others.
Gunn looked after them, dazed, until a crash came from out in the courtyard. He looked out.