Author: M. Jade
Title: Years Gone By
Email: m_jade34@hotmail.com
Summary: Willow is waiting for perfection - and finds that sometimes perfect
is all it’s meant to be
Rating: PG-13 for sensuality
Pairing: W/G
Feedback: Don’t be shy
Spoilers: Post "Help"
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me, so there.
Distribution: My site, Level Headed, SB, BMP, WLS,  ODD, USCL, ff.n, Near
Her Always, Watcher Girls, the W/G list.  All others please ask for
permission
Notes: Answer to the Level Headed First Kiss Challenge: have your favorite
LH characters and their first kiss, then tell what happens next
More Notes: Takes place mid S7, assuming Spike has recovered
Thanks: To Sam, who reminded me that love isn’t perfect, and made this story
possible
Author’s Home Page: http://www.geocities.com/jaderozegirl/JadeRoze.htm

***

"Giles," Willow called out as she entered the house.  "I’m back."

"Willow?" a voice called.  She knew for sure it was Giles’ voice, but she
knew instantly that something was wrong.  His tone was off, his words
slightly slurred.  She had only heard him like this on a hand full of
occasions.  She could tell Giles had been drinking.

"Giles!" Willow called again as she made her way to the kitchen.  Just as
she had feared, there was Giles, sitting at the table, a glass of scotch in
front of him and the bottle on the table,  within his reach.  Looking at the
scene, he hadn’t been drinking long, judging by the amount still left in the
bottle.  "What’s… what’s going on?"  Giles didn’t look at her as he
answered.

"Got a call.  Didn’t matter I’m on a bloody holiday, they called me anyway."
  He casually took a drink from his glass, still refusing to look at her. 
"It never bloody matters."

"Who called?"  He finally looked over at her, and the look in his eyes
scared her.  He had a heavy look on his face, miserable and defeated.

"A friend of mine, from the coven."

"Giles… what…happened"

"She called to tell me that a young woman I had known has died.  She… it was
Randall’s daughter."

"Randall…" Willow struggled to place the name when it came to her.  "Your
friend that was killed by Eygon."  Giles gave a bitter laugh.

"Yes.  Jessica never knew her father.  Randall died before she was born. 
Bloody hell, I didn’t even realize Gwen was pregnant when I returned to
Oxford."  Giles took another drink from his glass.  "Randall tried to tell
me about Gwen, before he died.  I didn’t know about it until much later.  I
was too much of a selfish prat to listen to him at the time.   I… Gwen was
alone after Randall died.  I was going back to school, trying to straighten
out my life.  I can’t even remember giving so much as one thought to Gwen
after the funeral.  I was a bloody fool.  She committed suicide within
months of giving birth to Jessica, and I did nothing to stop it.  Her world
falls to pieces, and I didn’t do a bloody thing!" His voice took on a bitter
tone as he went on.  Willow was now very worried.

"Giles, what happened wasn’t your fault…"

"Jessica was passed around between various relatives after that.  None of
them apparently took much of an interest in her.  She never stayed in one
place for very long.  Girl never had a real home her entire life.  She got
into things… drugs… she died of an overdose.  I… I never did a thing for
her."  Willow’s heart went out to the man in front of her, who seemed to be
breaking apart before her eyes.

"Giles, don’t blame yourself for something you had no control over…" she
tried to reason with him, but he was not in the mood to listen.

"I bloody well had control, Willow!  I could have exorcised the demon from
Randall; I could have at least rang Gwen.  Instead, I did neither, and their
child ends up paying for it."  Giles looked down and drained the glass
before him.  He went to grab the bottle on the table, when Willow beat him
to it,  scooping it off the table.

"No!  Giles, this is pointless.  You can’t change what you’ve done, and you
couldn’t give that girl her parents back.  You don’t even know if that was
her problem.  Giles…"

"Willow…"

"No more."  Willow had already made her way to the sink and began pouring
the bottle’s contents down the drain.  Giles just glanced over at her.  "I’m
not going to let you do this, mister."  The bottle empty, she tossed it into
the garbage can by the sink, then looked back to him.

"Willow…"

"No.  No, you are not going be all broody and guilty on me for no good
reason.  You … you can’t."

"I did nothing."

"That’s not the point, Giles.  This is not your fault!"

"But I still had my hand in it, Willow," he added, giving her a knowing
glance.  "I still did more than my fair share of the damage in this case, so
I think a little self loathing is in order."  She was standing beside him
now, her doubts written across her face.  She had rarely seen him like this,
and he always managed to frighten her when she did. She automatically
grabbed a chair and sat down next to him.

"Giles, this isn’t doing you any good."

"I think that’s the idea," he said matter-of-factly.  "I’ve done many things
in my life I’ve regretted, but Randall… Randall was the worse.  I could have
saved him."  Willow shook her head.

"Don’t do this, Giles," she pleaded in a small voice.

"I was such a fool.  Today, my musings have only lead me to believe that I
am a fool, and not just about Randall.  So many things," he added with a
sigh.  He placed his hand on hers, looking into her eyes.  She almost tried
to pull back, but chose not to.  She decided to let him vent.  "All these
years gone by… I took most of what I’ve done in stride.  Did my best to
accept what I’ve done.  Tried my best to keep my regrets to a minimum. 
Still… I have them.  Randall… Jenny, perhaps… and you."  Willow’s eyes got
big.  She wasn’t sure where he was going with this.

"Me?" she asked, her eyes growing wider.

"I should have done this a long time ago," he intoned, then he bent his head
towards hers, pressing his mouth to hers in a searing kiss.  It was rough
and inelegant, hasty and full of pent up yearning.  She was scared of it at
first.  His kiss was verging on bruising and violent, she knew she had to
end it, but she found herself yielding to him.  Dammit, she was even kissing
him back.  She opened her mouth slightly, to allow him access, and she could
feel his tongue slowly sweep across hers.  This wasn’t how it was supposed
to be, and she knew it.  Giles was supposed to be the stable one, the one
she could always count on, not the man sitting with her in the kitchen, his
tongue down her throat, drunk enough she could smell the alcohol on his
breath.  He used his free hand to grab her waist and pull her towards him. 
Before she knew it, she was practically sitting in his lap, and she couldn’t
say she didn’t like it.  From Willow’s new seat, she could tell exactly what
he wanted, the only question was if she would give it to him.  Finally, they
parted, still remaining close, their lips inches apart.

"Giles… this is wrong…" she breathed, gripping his shoulder.

"Of course we’re wrong, Willow," he whispered, stroking her hair, "we always
were."

"Still, we shouldn’t be doing this," she replied weakly, she was losing her
will to resist him.  At that moment, she wasn’t sure she even wanted to at
all.

"No, we shouldn’t," he agreed, then began to kiss her again with the same
fury.  She didn’t resist him, pressing her body closer to his.  She felt his
hands snake around her torso, ending in front, his fingers nimbly undoing to
buttons of her blouse, and she made no effort to stop it.  She knew she
should stop him, but she didn’t.  Her mind was swimming with all the things
that could go wrong, all the reasons why she should end it right there, only
she found her heart guiding her hands to the hem of his shirt, lifting it. 
Giles ended the kiss to allow her to pull his shirt over his head, and she
ran her hands along his bare chest.

"You know we shouldn’t be doing this," she whispered, leaning her head
against his.

"No regrets," Giles answered in a husky voice.  "No more damn regrets." 
With that he kissed her again soundly.  Even once they parted again, he
continued his assualt on her senses, trailing kisses along her collarbone. 
She let out a soft moan as his hands began to caress her thighs.

"We're going to have a lot of explaining to do," she panted.

***

Willow didn’t know at one point she had dozed off, but it was mid afternoon
by the time she awoke.  She found herself lying in her bed, a sheet lazily
draped over her, and Giles was lying beside her.  She groaned as she laid
her head back on her pillow.  "Great," she muttered under her breath.

"We at least managed to make it to the bed… once," Giles mused from beside
her.

"Well, it’s certainly not something we’ll soon forget."

"Undoubtedly," he agreed.  She was hesitant, but decided to dare and ask him
something.

"Giles, what happens now?"  He glanced over to her, looked into her eyes.

"Must you ask that?"

"Yes.  Giles, we…"

"I am aware of what we have done, Willow," he cut her off gently.  "I… you
know I’m supposed to leave for England in two days.  I’m only supposed to be
here in Sunnydale on holiday."

"So what, we just forget about it, is that what you want?" she said, anger
seeping into her voice.  She was now on the defensive.  "Act as if nothing
ever happened?"

"No, Willow, that is not what I want.  I’m only saying that this is more
complicated than either of us would like it to be," he pointed out.  "There
are my responsibilities in England, you have your own here, and… you’re so
young, love…"

"Is this really about the age thing, cause let me tell you, not such a big
deal here."  She had calmed down some, but was still upset.

"It’s not only about that Willow.  ‘From beneath you, it devours.’  You know
as well as I do that something’s coming here.  Something horrible.  You’re
needed here, more than ever now.  We still don’t know what’s coming, much
less how to begin to bloody prepare for it.  I’m making great progress with
the coven, and we need all the help we can get at this point."  He reached
over and swept an errant strand of her hair from her face.

"Giles, I just… I want…" He placed his hand along her face gently.

"It doesn’t matter what we want, Willow, or how badly we want it.  Sometimes
it’s simply not possible."

"You can’t believe that," she replied, her voice nearly quivering.

"I know that I would like nothing more than for you and I to be able to make
up for all the years we missed together.  At the moment, that‘s not
possible.."  He leaned over and kissed her gently on the forehead.  "Always
know that I wanted today more than you’ll ever realize, Willow."

"So you’re leaving," she said quietly.

"I don’t think either of us have a choice in the matter," he corrected her.

"So we have a few moments together and then ignore it completely?  You go
your way, I go mine?"  His body went rigid when her heard her.

"Willow, being with you has been one of my greatest wishes, for longer than
I had the right to wish it.  More than you may ever realize.  For right now,
we must remain apart, circumstance dictates that, but we can’t believe it
will always be that way.  Things change, they always do, and some day,
hopefully very soon, fate will allow us to have our time together.  Right
now, we both know that’s not to be.  It‘s not fair, it's not what we want,
but that‘s the way it has to be." He leaned over, placing a soft kiss on her
lips.  "God, I’m sorry," he added a barely audible voice.  Willow laid back
and tried not to cry.

"So you’ll be there and I’ll be here…"

"We have to believe this can work, Willow," he pointed out.

"I want to," she assured him.  "I’m still processing the fact that we’ve
been together, in a naked way."    He pulled her to him, holding her.

"We will be again, Willow.  Somehow."  She laid back closer to him.  They
laid back like that for a few moments, enjoying the solitude.

"This is nice," she mused.

"I agree.  Unfortunately, Buffy and Dawn will be home soon.  I’d prefer they
not find us like this."

"Right.  Naked not good.  We should take care of that."

"Yes we should."

***

"Are you going to be okay?" Buffy asked Willow as they stood together by the
gate in the airport.

"Yes, go find the others and get your snacks," Willow instructed her with
the best smile she could muster at that moment.

"Okay," Buffy said happily as she turned and walked down the hall to join
the others and Willow sat back down in her chair with a small sigh.

"Won’t be much longer before he boards that plane," Spike observed as he
joined her, sitting down in the chair next to her.

"No, it won‘t," Willow agreed, trying to keep the grumpiness out of her
voice.  "I’m still surprised you came to see him off."

"Ah, as much as Giles and I hate each other, we have an understanding.  No
blood shed in public or in front of the kiddies.  Beside, I’m kind of
curious to see how he’s going to see you off.  I would love to see Buffy’s
face when he snogs you senseless at the gate," Spike explained, a grin
forming on his face.

"What…" Willow said with a shocked stutter.  "How did you… We didn’t say a
thing…"

"Oh, come on, Red.  I could smell you and Giles all over each other the
other night.  You can’t tell me he didn’t shag you."  Willow found herself
blushing by this time.  "By the look on your face, it must have been
quite…stimulating."

"Um… first, that’s gross, and second, I don’t see how it’s any of your
business."  She tried to hide her embarrassment by doing her best to be
indignant.

"You’re probably trying to plan your next little shag fest…"

"I don’t know when or if he’s even coming back," Willow admitted in a sad
voice.  "There may never be a next time."

"Of course he’s coming back.  He won’t be able to stay away from you for too
long, Red.  He’ll find a way.  You’ve started something with him, and
neither of you will let it end here."  Spike gave her a pointed look.

"I don’t know how we’re going to do it," Willow sighed.

"What are you expecting, Red?  Perfection?"  He didn’t wait for Willow to
answer.  "You can wait for perfection to come along all you bloody well
please, but you’re never going to find it.  Trust me."  Spike’s gaze veered
off, and he found himself unconsciously looking to where Buffy had been a
few moments before.  He looked back to Willow.  "Don’t let him go."  Willow
looked at him, and for once she felt she understood the situation.

"I won’t."  Just then, the others began to come back into the waiting area. 
Giles was first, chatting with Buffy, and they were followed by Dawn, then
Xander, and Anya, all of them carrying some type of food or drink, except
for Giles, who was placing a magazine in his carry-on bag.  The group stayed
together and kept chatting for a little while longer, until a voice over the
PA system announced the boarding for Giles’ flight.  Giles began his
good-byes, even reluctantly shaking hands with Spike, but he saved Willow’s
good-bye for last.

"Good-bye, love," He whispered as he hugged her.  "Don’t think of this as an
end, but a beginning, of something new for both of us.

"I know," she whispered back.  She slowly leaned over and met his mouth in a
heady kiss.  The others gazed on, too stunned to say anything, but the shock
was written across their faces, all but Spike, with a look of pure mirth on
his.  Willow and Giles paid them no heed, releasing their passion and
frustration, their joy and pain.  It was going to be a long road, yet both
seemed eager to take it.  Finally they parted, a smile on both their faces.

"We’ll have to do that again," Giles commented quietly.

"I’ll hold you to that," Willow replied with a mock-serious look on her
face.

"Gladly."  Giles gave a looked to the others, then walked to the gate and
onto the ramp, leaving the others behind.  Willow had a lazy smile on her
face as she watched Giles leave.  Finally, Buffy broke the silence.

"Okay, we… we missed something."

"I guess you did," Willow answered casually as she began to walk towards the
exit and into the night.

--fin